David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. Smell like a cartoon astronaut or gnarly pirate!
Smells like pre-teen spirit: The altruistic people of Disney, who have never turned down an opportunity to exploit the young citizens of America for cash, have created a market that probably doesn’t really need to exist: They’ve developed a series of “Pirates of the Caribbean” and Buzz Lightyear fragrances aimed at Latino boys ages 4-11.
“The market is driven by gift-giving, so we will target moms and grandmothers—the primary gift-givers,” says a Disney spokeswoman who apparently has absolutely no qualms about the fact that any boy who would open up a wrapped gift hoping for a PSP game and instead discovering a dinky bottle of cologne no doubt faces years of therapy in the future.
And does anyone, even a 4-year-old, want to smell like a pirate? Couldn’t a kid manage to stink like that simply by running around in 90-degree temperatures without any deodorant? A plastic toy astronaut isn’t the first thing one’d associate with aromatic pleasures, either. And why they haven't marketed a Mickey scent is beyond me: What little kid wouldn't want to smell like a rodent?
So allow me to suggest further Disney-inspired liquid odors for parents to douse on their unwitting progeny:
* Lady and the Tramp
* The Gnome-Mobile
* Operation Dumbo Drop
* Uncle Remus
* Bambi’s dead mom
* Darby O’Gill and the Little People
* Country Bear Jamboree
* Scrooge McDuck’s bank vault
* Flubber
* The Barefoot Executive
* Million Dollar Duck
* The Apple Dumpling Gang
* The toilet scene in “Trainspotting” (granted, that was a Miramax film, but Disney owns Miramas. So there.)
And, of course, feel free to add your own.
Comments
So, I guess this is to prepare them for that Axe Body Spray crap they'll be using as teenagers?
Posted by: Suzy Q | July 23, 2007 11:40 AM
I, for one, wish to smell like a Boatnik.
Posted by: MoroccoMole | July 23, 2007 3:09 PM
Type-oops in 2nd to last graph.
Posted by: Your biggest fan in Texas | July 25, 2007 7:01 PM