David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. We’re fighting them in Beverly Hills…
… so you won’t have to fight them where you live.
Reporters covering the TV Critics Press Tour in Beverly Hills were unnerved today by a report in the New York Times about the resurgence of al-Qaeda, including within the entertainment industry:
“President Bush’s top counterterrorism advisers acknowledged Tuesday that the strategy for fighting Osama bin Laden’s leadership of Al Qaeda had failed, as the White House released a grim new intelligence assessment that has forced the administration to consider more aggressive measures.
“The intelligence report, the most formal assessment since the Sept. 11 attacks about the terrorist threat facing the United States, concludes that the United States is losing ground on a number of fronts in the fight against Al Qaeda, and describes the terrorist organization as having significantly strengthened over the past two years. … The report concluded that the United States would face a ‘persistent and evolving terrorist threat over the next three years.’”
Most chilling was this passage:
“The National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) reported that DHS agents had discovered that a Qaeda sleeper cell had embedded itself in A.C. Nielsen, a marketing research firm that tracks, among other things, the national TV ratings for the broadcast networks. Operatives were distorting data to ensure that high ratings would be reported for such terrible TV shows as ‘Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?’, ‘The Singing Bee’ and ‘Rules of Engagement,’ thereby ensuring that such programming would not be cancelled and continue to terrorize – or, at the very least, seriously annoy – American viewers.
“‘This is a finding we take very seriously,’ Robert Chertoff, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, declared. “Americans want – and deserve – to be able to turn on their televisions without seeing something like ‘Men in Trees.’”
Critics in Beverly Hills today called a special emergency meeting instead of attending the “Kids Nation” press session to discuss how to combat the encroaching menace. As the thin, ink-stained front line between America’s TV viewers and the forces of evil that wish Television harm, the Television Critics Association takes its duty to protect our homeland from “Cavemen” quite seriously. Pray that we are successful.