Breaking the cycle of Emmy-Award-presenter abuse

You may recall we recently described the three dynamics operating when booking presenters for the Emmy Awards: This is Mutually Beneficial, I Need Help Promoting My Show and I’m Doing You a Favor.

This proved so profoundly popular and edifying that we’re going to do it again, with the second wave of announcements of celebrities who will give trophies to other celebrities. And we’ve added a new category!

This is Mutually Beneficial: Marcia Cross, America Ferrera.

I Need Help Promoting My Show: Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey, Joely Fisher and Brad Garrett, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

I’m Doing You a Favor: Stephen Colbert (his appearance last year – “I lost to Barry Manilow!” he wailed to Jon Stewart – probably ensured him a win this year), Ellen DeGeneres (she hosted last year; she needn’t accept a demotion like this, particularly since Ryan Seacrest swiped her gig).

And now, the new category:

What More Do You Want From Me? (celebrities who have comforted and oiled the Emmy machinery beyond the call of duty): Kyra Sedgwick, Jon Cryer.

Both, you may recall, hosted that ghastly early-morning announcement ceremony unveiling this year’s nominees, even though they themselves have never won an Emmy (and in fact, both left last year’s awards show branded losers). If these two walk away Sept. 16 without a heavy pointy object in their clammy hands, they need to understand that they’re in an abusive relationship with Emmy and need to realize that the love apparently only goes one way and they need to quit coddling the Academy with their star power and find something else better to do on the evenings of future ceremonies. Maybe start up a little Mah Jongg club together.