ABC feels your pain (if you’re rich)

If you’re looking for diversity in programming this season, look no further than ABC (Always Be Caucasian). The network has a flurry of shows appealing to the vast socioeconomic divide represented in its executive ranks, from the appallingly privileged to pampered, overpaid white men to affluent females.

Just take a gander at the panoply of messages sent out by the network’s fall roster:

“Desperate Housewives:” “We’re all beautiful and pampered and vapid. But we can complain too.”

“Brothers & Sisters:” “It’s hard being rich and fabulous.”

“Dancing with the Stars:” “Just because we’re wealthy and washed-up doesn’t mean we can’t have dreams, too.”

“Carpoolers:” “Sure, our lives are comfortable, but that doesn’t mean we’re not utter, thoroughgoing boobs.”

“Boston Legal:” “Lawyers are people, too. OK, well, not technically, but if you do tissue samples, you’ll find we’re very similar to humans.”

“Private Practice:” “California beachfront property doesn’t pay for itself! It’s hard being rich and fabulous!”

“Dirty Sexy Money:” “Haven’t you watched ‘Brothers & Sisters’ or ‘Private Practice?’ It’s f@&#ing hard being rich and fabulous!”

“Ugly Betty:” “Don’t hate us because we’re beautiful. Don’t hate us because we earn more than our IQ’s would suggest we deserve. Don’t hate us because we’re blitheringly superficial – look, just don’t hate us, period, OK?”

“Grey’s Anatomy:” “Just because it seems like we shouldn’t have any problems doesn’t mean we can’t whine incessantly.”

“Big Shots:” “So we’re white men. So we run the planet. In our minds, that just gives us more license to whine about how tough our lives are.”

“Men in Trees:” “Everyone knows that wildly successful self-help gurus are amongst the emotionally neediest people on the planet, so just deal already, OK?”

“Cashmere Mafia” (coming in November): “Yes, we’re women who shattered the glass ceiling. But we still have needs, dammit, and one of those needs is to whine about the one or two things our lives are still lacking that would make them perfect!”