Bill O'Reilly and the Restaurant of Doom

The astonishing thing about Bill O’Reilly’s latest case of foot-in-mouth disease is, he genuinely doesn’t understand what the problem is regarding his comments about how surprised he was to find a Harlem restaurant to actually be civilized.

This is a guy who is paid to have opinions; to have opinions worth airing, it generally helps if one is a little educated in the ways of the world. Instead, O’Reilly’s comments suggests that everything he knows about black culture has come from rap videos and ’70s blaxploitation flicks, that it was something of an act of courage for him to venture into Sylvia’s that night for he truly feared that he wasn’t going to exit the joint without a cap in his @ss.

"I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City," Billo declared on his radio show last week. "It was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks [and has a] primarily black patronship. It was the same. And that's really what this society is really all about now here in the U.S.A. There's no difference."

For good measure, he added, "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'MF-er, I want some more ice tea.' It was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there ordering and having fun and there wasn't any craziness at all."

Multi-culturalism is not Bill’s strong suit, but O’Reilly insists that anyone who doesn’t see his words as progressive and inclusive is stupid:

"If you listened to the full hour, it was a criticism of racism on the part of white Americans who are ignorant of the fact that there is no difference between white and black anymore," he told the AP. "Circumstances may be different in their lives but we're all Americans. Anyone who would be offended by that conversation would have to be looking to be offended."

How many Americans does Falafel Guy think don’t realize that black America isn’t some unhinged society defined solely by Thunderbird and dog-fighting, anyway? Does Bill think he ventured boldly into the belly of the beast and emerged with a bulletin – Hey, black people are just like you and me! – that would amaze the country and result in a Kum-ba-yah moment between the races?

OK, let’s try this in a way O’Reilly might understand:

I absolutely cannot believe how refreshing Bill O’Reilly is in his take on African-Americans! Unlike all those other rich, white middle-aged guys, Bill O’Reilly doesn’t make a show of waving around nooses or Confederate flags or eyeing black people with an unmistakable fear welling in his eyes! Yes, Bill may have called those stranded in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina “drug-addicted” “thugs,” but all the other wealthy, middle-aged white guys would’ve called them f@cking drug-addicted thugs, and would’ve personally gone down to the Big Easy to shoot them! Unlike all the other rich, middle-aged white guys, Bill O’Reilly has never personally lynched a black man!

There’s hope for the white race yet if a fine and decent, open-minded soul like Bill O’Reilly, as opposed to all the other rich, white middle-aged men, doesn’t want to systematically exterminate the black race!

See, Bill? It wasn’t that you reported that Sylvia’s offers a pleasant dining experience. It was that you sounded like you were pretty much expecting patrons to be unruly and constantly shout out, “MF-er, I want some more iced tea.”

At least he didn’t expect the patrons to say, “MF-er, get me another 40.”