"Housewives," more "Desperate" than ever

Yes, of course Edie’s apparent suicide at the end of last season was a cheat.

Sometimes it seems as though the “Desperate Housewives” plot generator is a simple wheel that the writing staff spins, and a wheel with a rather limited number of options, at that:

* A husband is a jerk;
* Adulterous proclivities;
* Getting divorced;
* Miserable about being divorced;
* Meeting a new guy;
* A hitch in meeting the new guy;
* Getting tight with the new guy;
* Getting remarried (repeat from top);

And, when those get tiresome:

* Pregnancy scare/Kids are a problem;
* Potentially life-threatening incident;
* Mysterious new neighbor moves in.

When they’re really feeling adventurous, a writer may wander off this rather cramped reservation, but mainly, they seem to stick with the tried-and-true.

Most of the above figure into tonight’s fourth-season premiere of TV’s one-time primary water-cooler show, regardless of whether there’s any proper character motivation or not. And though there is much incident tonight, there’s nothing here that really grabs you.

Edie (Nicolette Sheridan) faked her suicide merely to sink her claws into Carlos (Richard Chavira), who wanted to run away with Gaby (Eva Longoria), who discovered her new husband Victor (John Slattery) is merely exploiting her role as his wife for political gain. But Carlos hacks off Gaby by sticking with Edie during her recuperation; despite her ostensibly weakened state, Edie’s soon channeling some nifty “Fatal Attraction” manipulations to lure Carlos deeper into her trap.

Meanwhile, Lynette (Felicity Huffman) doesn’t want to tell anyone she has cancer, which complicates several situations. Bree (Marcia Cross), who for some reason is faking a pregnancy with Orson (Kyle MacLachlan), has a couple of really stupid close calls in which her deception is almost discovered. Susan (Teri Hatcher) is already worried that her marriage to Mike (James Denton) isn’t absolutely perfect, repeatedly and blitheringly complaining, “We’re doomed.” (Note to Susan: Look up the phrase “self-fulfilling prophecy.”)

But the big news is that Wisteria Lane has a new resident – Katherine (Dana Delany), who moved away a dozen years ago and returns with a new husband and a daughter, Dylan (Lyndsy Fonseca), who doesn’t remember anything about her childhood there, but has a recurring nightmare that obviously will manifest itself over the course of the upcoming season. Katherine proves herself adept at making friends by insisting that Bree, the first time they meet, cut down a pine tree in her yard so its shade won’t block Katherine’s “prize-winning” vegetable garden.

Huh, and double-huh? Bree declares said pine tree one of her proudest possessions – I don’t watch this show regularly, but I don’t recall this tree even having been mentioned in any episode I have seen. (Bree has so many prized possessions.) And: Does the sun only come from one direction throughout the day on Wisteria Lane? Does it not arc across the sky so that said tree would only block this garden for a relatively short period of time? I mean, really: Is cutting down a tree going to become a plot point this season? If so, I’m looking forward to “Family Guy’s” gritty realism in the same timeslot.

At episode’s end, Katherine’s husband asks her: “Did we make a mistake coming back here?” She responds, “Did we have a choice?”

This exchange sounds like nothing less than a roundelay from the writers’ room:

Writer 1: “Did we make a mistake revisiting the disastrous Alfre Woodard subplot from season two?”

Writer 2: “We’re out of ideas – do we have a choice?”

- “Desperate Housewives:” 9 tonight; ABC Channel 7 (outside L.A.; check local listings).