Unleash Hell II: Chris Crocker Edition
If only the LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! guy would leave the rest of us the f@ck alone, but no: Variety reports (threatens?) that 44 Blue Productions, the Großdeutsches Reich of reality television, is actually considering doing a reality series with Chris Crocker, whose p!ssy meltdown defending drug-addled trailer trash managed to divert our attention last week from the space-alien invasion of Peru (what? You didn’t hear about that? Proves my point).
“It's going to pretty much be the 'Chris Crocker experience,’” Osama bin Laden, a consultant for 44 Blue, told Daily Variety. “We consider him a rebel character that people will find interesting. He's going to be a TV star.
“And then,” he added with an ominious cackle, “the terrorists will have won.”
What kind of idiots are these people – if “people” is the right word – at 44 Blue, anyway? (And doesn’t “44 Blue” sound like a football play or a military strategy or something that will invariably end in violence?) A two-minute hysterical, get-this-guy-some-Methotrimeprazine-STAT screed – no matter how amusing it is upon first viewing – is hardly the basis for an ongoing TV show.
I mean, what other tricks does this guy have in his bag? How many other beleaguered celebrities are there for him to come to their defense in a delightfully unhinged fashion that makes him look in worse shape than those he’s championing? Let’s see:
Leave Phil Spector alone! He was just sticking a gun in some woman’s mouth!
Leave Lindsay Lohan alone! She was just car-jacking while wasted so she could further menace her personal assistant!
Leave O.J. Simpson alone! He just wanted to get a pair of his shoes back, and if he used a gun, well, they were really nice shoes!
Leave Tom Forman alone! He just wriggled around child-labor laws and forced parents to sign wavers excusing him from killing their kids so he could create innovative, groundbreaking reality TV!
Leave Larry Craig alone! He just has a wide stance!
Leave Isaiah Washington alone! He just hates anyone who’s not him!
Leave Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie and Victoria Beckham alone! They just think that stupidity and self-absorption are virtues!
Leave R. Kelly alone! He just forgot to ask some girl for a photo ID!
Leave Elmo alone! He’s just ticklish, OK?
Hmm. Guy might have a career ahead of him, after all.
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About this blog
David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place.
I still can't believe that "guy" is an actual guy. Has anyone done a pants check? Anyone? Bueller?