David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. I read “I Am America (And So Can You!)” And so can you!
For a book that made me laugh or smile appreciatively at a clever turn of phrase as often as it did, I must confess that I was somewhat disappointed with Stephen Colbert’s new bestseller “I Am America (And So Can You!).” And, as with so many other things in Colbert’s life, blame probably has to be ascribed to Jon Stewart.
Or, more specifically, Stewart’s “Daily Show” literary effort, “America: The Book,” which was more pointed in its analysis of, well, everything than what Colbert considers his instant masterpiece. What Colbert (and his writers) have cobbled together here is more or less a conventional book of jokes which mimics “The Colbert Report’s” arch conservativism but backs off the show’s dance-on-a-knife’s-edge political anarchy in favor generic japery in the form of dating tips and ruminations about the glories of the nuclear family. (Are references to 2.3 children so quaint as to be cutting-edge again? I didn’t get that memo.)
(Colbert, famously, doesn’t like books; perhaps this is his sly way of getting revenge on them – by creating one that’s merely OK, not quite as feverishly inspired as “America: The Book.”)
So there’re chapters on family, religion, sports, gays, science, Hollywood and the media, and here’s guessing you can predict the tone of a lot of the jokes therein. (The chapter on sports is fueled by a lot of corporate underwriting, naturally.) At one curious point, Colbert fairly obsesses over which animals good Christian Americans should take their mating tips from – oddly, it’s not the chapter on animals but the chapter on sex and dating.
Yes, Colbert, ranting oracle of the right that he is, can be offended by anything: “(I)n the Animal Kingdom, you can’t turn over a rock without finding a half dozen earthworms doing the horizontal spermatophore, with nary a wedding ring in sight. Like we don’t have enough fatherless annelids crowding our driveways and compost heaps. I don’t care if you are an adult in worm years, Mr. Worm – if you can’t handle tending a few thousand cocoons, don’t ventrally fertilize your hermaphroditic partner.”
Another inspired bit comes in the chapter on higher education (he’s against it, but then, it does make one – particularly him – upwardly mobile, so, hmm; decisions, decisions). He offers a page of courses most students might take as time-killing electives and distills them to their essence, what they say about you or all you’re likely to remember about them years down the line:
“‘Careers in Poetry:’ Just move back in with your parents now.”
“‘Introduction to Metaphysics:’ Nothing here you can’t pick up by eating the wrong mushrooms on a camping trip.”
“‘Comparative Religion:’ Jesus wins.”
“‘Ethnic Stereotypes and the Humor of Cruelty:’ A professor will tell you a bunch of hilarious jokes, and you’re not allowed to laugh.”
There’s surprisingly little faux-tobiography from Colbert here, so we aren’t treated to the spectacle of the making of a little blowhard. There is, on the other hand, the text of his notorious White House Correspondents Dinner routine, which helps pad the material to book-length. There’s also a lot of hypertext noodling in the margins commenting on the commentary, much as on Colbert’s show when he delivers “The Word,” and footnotes besides that, but those serve mainly to slow down your progress through the book proper. That may be Colbert’s intent, though: The longer it takes you to get through his book, the longer it’ll be before you’ll be picking up another book – all of which, of course, he hates.
(Actually, Colbert is being modest when he says this is the only book he will ever write: He also wrote "Wigfield: The Can-Do Town That Just May Not" with his "Strangers with Candy" collaborators Amy Sedaris and Paul Dinello, which I thought was more inventive that his latest, but that's just me.)