The Mayor of Television’s gala tribute to “Cavemen”
ABC has seen fit to deny me an early peak at “Cavemen,” its inspired attempt to resurrect the comedy by returning it to its Cro-Magnon roots – look, a breakdancing caveman! Hahahahahaha!
Hence, in lieu of discussing what no one has yet seen – and, likely, what precious few will actually see – we present a little walk down memory lane, how this blog has addressed the issue of this latest innovation in laugh-free situation comedy that is “Cavemen.”
“The prejudice the cavemen experience in their everyday lives is a metaphor for racism, and I don’t see how anyone could find racism remotely funny,” Lawson told me. “Well, except when it’s supposed to be, like on ‘Chapelle’s Show’ or a Michael Richards stand-up routine. No, ‘Cavemen’ will be a powerful drama about social misunderstandings and ignorance, and about how these brave and enduring men struggle to find their way and strive to correct the misperceptions about their kind. It will force viewers to examine the ugly preconceptions that lie within their own hearts and serve as an uplifting saga of men who overcome irrational hatred to inspire a nation.”
* Incredibly, people took that entry seriously.
* And then I saw the initial pilot (since yanked for massive retooling):
I can reliably report to you that it must be a drama because it’s certainly not a comedy.
Instead of continuing with the conceit in the auto-insurance commercials that the cavemen must battle the stereotype of being slow-witted, “Cavemen: The Embarrassment” slow-wittedly repositions our Cro-Magnon brethren to serve as an unspoken but unmistakable stand-in for another ethnic minority. They call one another “Maggers” and debate the appropriateness of using such epithets on one another. They are barred entry into a country club and distrusted by wealthy white men. White women, having heard rumors about their sexual prowess, covet them.
And they breakdance. Yes, the climactic comedic scene in the pilot (where it’s really considered a very good idea to bring your A-game, not your running-on-fumes game) features a caveman breakdancing. Would that have even been funny in the ’80s?
* A random cheap shot pulled from a then-timely headline:
“The National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) reported that DHS agents had discovered that a Qaeda sleeper cell had embedded itself in A.C. Nielsen, a marketing research firm that tracks, among other things, the national TV ratings for the broadcast networks. Operatives were distorting data to ensure that high ratings would be reported for such terrible TV shows as ‘Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?’, ‘The Singing Bee’ and ‘Rules of Engagement,’ thereby ensuring that such programming would not be cancelled and continue to terrorize – or, at the very least, seriously annoy – American viewers.
“‘This is a finding we take very seriously,’ Robert Chertoff, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, declared. “Americans want – and deserve – to be able to turn on their televisions without seeing something like ‘Men in Trees.’”
As the thin, ink-stained front line between America’s TV viewers and the forces of evil that wish Television harm, the Television Critics Association takes its duty to protect our homeland from “Cavemen” quite seriously. Pray that we are successful.
Beyond just not being funny, “Cavemen” is anthropologically befuddled. Though the characters refer to themselves as Cro-Magnons, morphologically, they actually look a little more like Neanderthals.
* The cast and executive producers were the only ones applauding the clip.
* First question: Where are the cavewomen? Honestly, someone asked that.
* Question: You had to know that making a show from a TV commercial would earn you all sorts of hell from us. How do face that you have to prove yourselves?
Answer: We knew we’d be under a lot of scrutiny, but it makes our job a little harder. … When making the commercials, we felt there were more stories to tell.
I never guessed we’d catch so much hell.
* Cro-Magnons existed between 40,000-10,000 years ago in the South of France. They vacationed in Italy, usually around Tuscany.
* By contrast, proto-Neanderthals first appeared in Europe 350,000 years ago. They became extinct 24,000 years ago in order to avoid being around once they became the butt of jokes.
* Fending off charges of implicit racial stereotyping on the show:
What’s sort of fun is we can create rules for this race that doesn’t really understand their place in this world, which gives us a flexibility to make that a broad experience that’s universal that everyone can relate to.
Could it be an issue? Yes. But that’s our job to make sure it doesn’t become one.
And now, the pseudo-pretentious take on the show: This is a show about acclimation, which is what we pitched it as. … If race relations leads to a story like that, that’s great. But this is about acclimation, which is something everyone deals with.
* Another hard-hitting question: Why don’t they just shave and go to a decent barber?
* Blah blah blah on the makeup. “I was blown away,” says one of the actors.
* “If the show works, it will work because people care about these three guys and can relate to their problems.”
* And more pseudo-pretentious ruminations: “We asked ourselves, ‘Is it authentic and is it reflective of authentic behavior?’”
* This is how you would read “Cro-Magnon” in another language: kʀomaɲõ and kɹəʊ'mægnən
* Yet more on how amazing the makeup is, which it isn’t.
* A disappointed panelist: “Someone told us there’d be a laugh track in this room, which there isn’t.”
* Question: I’m still wanting to know what the show is going to be. You say the show will be subtle, and the show we saw is anything but subtle. You say it won't just be dealing with racial stereotypes, but the episode we saw is nothing but that.
Answer: (long pause) Well, I mean, look. (Then lots of dissembling.)
Followed by more pseudo-pretentious rambling:
“Where we want to take the show is to make these distinctive stories about three friends in their 20s who happen to be cavemen and that grafts a filter onto their lives.”
After the session, a critic grumbled, "They have no f#&%ing idea what they're doing."
* Somehow, a show this stupid managed to become fodder for the New York Times’ op-ed pages.
While containing your incredulity, pick your own favorite excuse for said oversight:
* Still fine-tuning the premiere episode.
* Production delays due to recasting and reshoots.
* Not sending out screeners worked so well for “Kid Nation.”
* Oh, who are we fooling: Creating and sending out screeners for a show that jumps the shark in its first frame and will likely end up on the season’s scrapheap by November sweeps is just throwing bad money after good.
After all this, I’d like to present a report on tonight’s premiere, but I think I’ll be walking my dog around the Silver Lake reservoir then. Or watching the East-Coast feed of “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” on DirecTV. Or doing just about any other thing there may be to do on this planet.
About this blog
David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place.
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