"Celebrity Apprentice:" There's no apprentice, either

Here’s an announcement that’ll have you on your knees imploring your deity to pleasepleaseplease end this writers strike: The cast of “‘Celebrity’ Apprentice” was announced today, further proving that TV reality shows have a fairly skewed notion as to what constitutes celebrity.

The ones you’ve likely heard of:

* Vincent Pastore (“The Sopranos”’ Big Pussy, whose career has slept with the fishes ever since his character did the same)

* Gene Simmons (who can’t whore himself fast enough: Did you know there’s a KISS credit card now?)

* Stephen Baldwin (whose career consists of “The Usual Suspects,” documentary tributes to “The Usual Suspects,” “Celebrity Mole,” “Celebrity Blackjack,” “Celebrity Fear Factor” and a bunch of movies you wouldn’t watch on a bet)

* Carol Alt (former supermodel, current hockey groupie)

* Lennox Lewis (former heavyweight boxing champ)

* Marilu Henner (she starred on “Taxi” back in the day)

The ones whose faces you can’t place but whose names may sound faintly familiar:

* Trace Adkins (a country singer whose oeuvre includes, seriously, the ditty “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk”)

* Nadia Comaneci (Olympic gymnastics gold medalist at the ’38 Berlin games, or some such)

* Omarosa (she played the bitch in the first “Apprentice” series)

The ones you have no idea who they are

* Tiffany Fallon (Playboy model)

* Tito Ortiz (Ultimate Fighting Champion)

* Piers Morgan (judge on “America’s Got Talent”)

* Jennie Finch (Olympic softball player)

* And Nely Galan, who has the distinction of being an executive producer on one of TV’s most ghastly productions ever, “The Swan,” in which depressed women subjected themselves to plastic surgery and then competed in a beauty pageant and then went back to being depressed.

Donald Trump insists this is the cream of the crop of the 125 who were desperate for some face time with a TV camera. We can only wish Courtney Peldon, Bai Ling, Carrot Top and Stephen Hawking better luck next time.