David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. The New Economic Partnership revealed!
Yesterday, The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers offered the Writers Guild of America a generous package called the “New Economic Partnership” in an effort to end the writers strike. Details weren’t available about the pact … until now.
Item 1: Upfront profit participation. As this is a bold new initiative, we the producers are offering as part of our partnership the opportunity for you the writers to invest in the projects in which you participate. If the production doesn’t make any money, well, welcome to our world. If, on the other hand, it does become wildly successful, we will graciously reimburse your investment to you.
Item 2: New media profit participation. Not many people know this, but your home computer or laptop is actually an ATM machine. To collect any profits from all online ventures and downloads, simply go to the website or iTunes store in question. If there are any profits due you, they will be ejected from the disk-drive slot in your computer in the form of crisp $20 bills. If not, well, be patient; we’re bound to make some money off your writing eventually.
Item 3: DVD profit participation. We will give you a copy of any DVD you have a writing credit on, free of charge. If you already have a copy, you can take it to Amoeba for a handsome payout of $3 or $4.
We the producers hope you choose to take advantage of this groundbreaking offer. If not … well, while you’re out there picketing in front of our studios, make yourself useful, willya? Bring a chamois to polish our cars while we’re driving through the front gates.
And with that, Your Mayor is going to take some well-deserved time off. While on the road with my intrepid guard-dog schipperke, I may find the time to produce handsome snippets of edification. Then again, I may not. Take care, good luck with the ongoing negotiations and have a splendid week.