As an analyst who has observed the ongoing writers strike closely, here’s how I see it going down, either in reality or as a medium-budget thriller that I, as someone who is not a member of the Writers Guild of America, could sell to a member of the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers under the table.

Let’s call it “Force Majeure.”

As the strike wears on, and nerves fray, eventually, someone at the WGA will do the math and reach a disquieting conclusion:

TITLE CARD: “Week 26”

WGA Hero Character: “My God – their intent is nothing less than busting up the union!”

WGA Hero Character’s Expendable Best Friend: “Oh, come on, Wally – this strike has made you crazy with paranoia.”

WGA Hero Character: “No, Chuck, examine the pattern! AMPTP never offered anything beyond an income rollback to the writers, then acted offended when the writers didn’t consider their taking it off the table as a major conciliatory gesture. AMPTP refuses to negotiate further yet persists in hurling incendiary bombs, either in the form of very public name-calling (“irresponsible”) or acrimonious, near-libelous accusations at its website. A writer’s leg was broken the first day of the strike when a driver hurtled his car at the man while picketing. Broadcast network executives spent the days prior to the strike insisting that a ‘new business model’ was crucial to maintaining profitability in this era of massive viewer attrition; any concession to any guild on any bargaining point will only drive costs up at a time when they need to be exponentially lowered. And to top it off, the WGA’s most superstitious if bibulous member awakened the other day to find the corpse of a chupacabra at the foot of his bed.”

WGA Hero Character’s Expendable Best Friend: “Wow, that’s an awful lot of exposition, but Criminy Jesus! You’re right! We’ve got to tell the others!”

Just then, a bullet whistles through a nearby window, hitting the well-named WGA Hero Character’s Expendable Best Friend.

WGA Hero Character: “Chuck! We’ve got to get you to a hospital!”

WGA Hero Character’s Expendable Best Friend: “No (gasp), I’m (sputtering blood) done for. Save yourself! Save the WGA! Save the American Entertainment-Industrial Complex!”

After a MONTAGE of other writers getting gunned down, most while reading bedtime stories to their children, CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: “WEEK 31”

WGA members aghast to discover AMPTP’s sinister true intentions, and vowing righteous retribution.

Nerdy Writer #1: “Oh, no, we’re done for.”

Or maybe not.

WGA Hero Character: “We can’t think that way! We need to find a way to fight back!”

Nerdy Writer #2: “But how? The poorest of them is richer than the richest of us! They can hold out until the last of us is in the poorhouse, then dissolve the union and start anew.”

WGA Hero Character: “Which just means we need to find some way in which to hurt them…”

Nerdy Writer #3: “He’s right! Even if they wait it out until they go from being obscenely wealthy to merely incredibly wealthy, they won’t feel the sting of our wrath – unless we embarrass not in the pocketbook, but in a more personal way!”

Nerdy Writer #4 (or #2 again, if AMPTP wants to save money on cast members): “I know! Let’s dip into our Discretionary Fund and hire the best private detectives to dig up the dirtiest of dirt on these guys! Have them find every mistress, every coke deal, every tryst with Larry Craig! Then leak them to the press and their wives will divorce them and get half their fortunes! More importantly, it will humiliate them publicly!”

WGA Hero Character: “That’s brilliant!”

Nerdy Writer #3: “But what if they decide to do that to us in turn?”

Nerdy Writer #1: “So what? We’re writers – who’d amongst us rates a really hot mistress? (pause) By the way, where’s your friend Chuck?”

WGA Hero Character: “Him? Oh, he was murdered by AMPTP’s henchmen.”

Nerdy Writer #3: “Didn’t you call the authorities?”

WGA Hero Character: “Why? Everybody knows they’re in the pocket of Big Studio.”

MONTAGE SEQUENCE: A private detective tails a fat-cat AMPTP member as he goes whoring at his private club, snorting cocaine off his mistress’s quivering torso, and other things that’d no doubt really upset the MPAA.

SMASH CUT TO: A screaming headline on the front page of the Los Angeles Clarion Eagle: “HEAD OF BLACKWATER PICTURES TIED TO THAI CHILD PROSTITUTION, DRUGRUNNING, MONEY LAUNDERING, TRYING TO POISON OPRAH’S MINERAL-WATER SUPPLY – AND MAKING CRAPPY MOVIES”

PULL OUT to reveal the story being read by ashen-faced AMPTP members.

TITLE CARD: “WEEK 42”

AMPTP Goon #1: “Those fools! Did they really think this would work?”

AMPTP Goon #2: “Well, it worked on you. Though I can assure you, Halliburton Entertainment is clean as a whistle. (pauses to take the temperature of the room; finding it lukewarm) Though I can’t say that similar measures wouldn’t work on others in this cabal.”

Shrugs all around.

AMPTP Goon #1: “Let’s do the same to them!”

AMPTP Goon #2: “If people saw what a writer’s mistress looked like, they’d feel even more sorry for them.”

Shrugs all around.

AMPTP Goon #1 (defeatedly defiant): “OK, then! Give them whatever they want! (pause) But wait until everyone on earth is a pauper, except for us.”

CUT TO: WGA offices in exultant mode.

TITLE CARD: “WEEK 51”

Nerdy Writer #3: “You did it! We did it! It’s time to celebrate!” (pops open a bottle of two-buck Chuck)

WGA Hero Character (powering down his iPhone, sighing): “Perhaps, but it’s a pyrrhic victory.”

Nerdy Writer #1: “Why? Why do you say that?”

WGA Hero Character: “I just read the cover story of tomorrow’s Wall Street Journal. The strike destroyed the entire American economy. No one has the discretionary income to afford a movie ticket or cable or satellite TV or a mere DVD anymore. Our residuals will pay handsomely – except that no one will be able to afford to watch anything we’ve written ever again.”

CLOSING TITLE CARD: “The End….?”

*

OK, AMPTP, the ball’s in your court. I’ll also throw in some love scene for the hero (with another writer? A secretary thrown out of work by the strike? Perhaps a furtive tryst with one of the sexy AMPTP members?)

If you want, I can rewrite this so that you’re the scrappy underdogs, even if that doesn’t feel quite as commercial to me. Let me know how you want me to proceed on this scab script. Even though, as a writer, I know you have virtually no respect for me – still, you’ll pay me something...

Decisions, decisions…