"American Gladiators" unleash hell

LOS ANGELES (AP) – David Kronke, the self-proclaimed “Mayor of Television,” was killed today during a bloody coup on Stage 30 of the Sony Lot during an event unveiling the combatants for NBC’s new incarnation of “American Gladiators.” A Gladiator going by the name of Militia, a Cuban exile who served six years in the U.S. Marines before performing five years in Cirque du Soleil’s “Zoomanity” in Las Vegas, declared himself Acting Czar-for-Life of Television.

Details remain sketchy due to the fact that most journalists were more interested in and busy covering former Senator George Mitchell’s report on rampant steroid use amongst Major League Baseball’s biggest superstars. Moreover, the fact that under The Mayor of Television’s regime, Television had become a blighted landscape riven by corruption, incompetence and reality-TV series, coupled with the ongoing writers strike, has only served in recent days to further weaken Television’s standing in the global gestalt.

Nonetheless, reports from unreliable witnesses on the scene suggest that Kronke, while attempting during one challenge to scramble up the foam-rubber Pyramid, was pounced upon by Justice, a 6’-6,” 290-pound Gladiator with a 7-foot wingspan. Accounts vary as to what happened next, but each witness shuddered queasily while attempting to describe the mayhem.

Further reports will be issued as developments warrant. MSNBC was rumored to be sending an intern to the site to see if the story was interesting enough to include on its newscrawl at the bottom of the screen.