Are awards ceremonies reality TV?

Hardball-playing WGA has declined to grant waivers to the Golden Globes and Oscar extravaganzas this year, meaning – gasp – none of that excruciating banter between celebrity presenters.

Of course, it could also mean that precious few nominees will be on hand to accept their trophies, as well, as actors may not want to cross picket lines. (The WGA may not actually picket the ceremonies, meaning celebrities could attend in good conscience, but I wouldn’t hold my breath awaiting that decision. Also, the strike could be over by Oscar night’s Feb. 24, though not likely by the Globes’ Jan. 13 airdate.)

Dick Clark Productions, which mounts the annual Globes drunk-and-disorderly, will try the David Letterman end-around with the WGA – asking for a waiver as an independent production company. But that hasn’t even proven successful for Letterman yet, as the WGA seems to be dragging its feet on deciding whether his writers can return to work.

The solution to this is so obvious it’s in the list of grievances the WGA has with AMPTP: Transform the awards ceremonies into reality shows.

Nominees not wishing to cross picket lines (or be otherwise humiliated) could send their personal assistants to the ceremonies, where they could engage in competitions to see who will win the coveted trophies. For example, best-supporting-actress nominees could race to climb ladders and try to break through glass ceilings. Nominated editors could battle one another in scissor fights, and compressed air canisters and straight razors could figure into competitions in any category in which "No Country For Old Men" and “Sweeney Todd,” respectively, are nominated.

Or Simon, Paula and Randy could berate the nominees:

“Kiera Knightly, you’re a very lovely young woman, but would it kill you to eat a hamburger?”

“Nikki Blonsky,” you’re a very lovely young woman, but would it kill you to pass up on a hamburger?”

“George Clooney, you were very good in ‘Michael Clayton,’ but enough already with those ‘Ocean’ movies.”

“Michael C. Hall, you made that role your own, but you want America to idolize you and they won’t idolize a serial killer – c’mon, now, think.”

“Cate Blanchett, I don’t think you even belong in this category – you’re playing a man. You’re a very confused young woman.”

“Javier Bardem, very chilling, but the goofy haircut thing is so Sanjaya.”