America is safe from terrorists again

Kiefer Sutherland was released from jail at 12:05 a.m. today. He was reportedly a “model prisoner.” Well, of course; he had plenty of experience in those 18 months of sadistic captivity at the hands of the Chinese.

Still, kind of odd that Kiefer did a full stretch of 48 days while Lindsay Lohan put in no more than 84 minutes for all her car-jacking/cocaine-possessing craziness. Maybe if Sutherland had additionally shot a guy he could’ve gotten his sentence down to a tidy 86 minutes.

As part of my community-outreach program, Your Mayor is beginning a Volunteer Celebrity Driver Program wherein You, My Constituents, offer to taxi a besotted celebrity home after an evening of too much brain-addling merriment. Sign up in the comments section below: List the celebrities you’d be willing to chauffeur and the days and times (preferably midnight-5 a.m.) you’re available. A brief and spotty background check may be necessary. TMZ employees and paparazzi need not apply.