David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. CBS unveils new reality shows, as well as its contempt for the human race
You can’t have CBS without BS: That’s the message behind the three upcoming reality shows the network announced today.
“Secret Talents of the Stars” (the title just rolls off the tongue, does it not?) features what CBS insists will be “celebrities” competing in a “tournament-structured format” (see, that makes it sound like some actual thought was put into the show when in fact we all know better). “Professional judges” – hey, I bet Judge Larry from the Anna Nicole Smith custody trial will be glad to offer his services – will be on hand to pad the show with their blithering and blistering commentary. Want to watch C- and D-listers sing, dance, do magic tricks or acrobatic tumbles? CBS has heard your prayers!
“Game Show in My Head” is just another show aimed at humiliating its participants. It’s a hidden-camera deal where contestants wander around town until they’re instructed to do something really stupid via an earpiece. Then they do it, and everyone around them stares incomprehensibly at them until maybe a cop arrests them on drunk-and-disorderly charges or something. They get money, or they don’t. Anyway.
Then there’s “America’s Top Dog” (I thought that would be The CW’s “Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants”). Again, not much thought went into this one: People and their pets live together under one roof, train their dogs to do tricks and then there’s a competition. The winner is anyone who chooses not to watch.
AMPTP: Stop the madness now!