Explaining the writers strike to children

Lisa del Giocondo and Agostino Vespucci, renowned child therapists who have claimed credit for the proliferation of Ritalin, have written a pamphlet for parents entitled "How To Explain The Writers Strike To Your Child."

"With issues in the strike so complex that many adults don't fully grasp them, we decided to help parents bring to their children an elementary understanding of this most thorny of subjects," del Giocondo explained in a statement. "Children deserve to know why they may never see a new, original episode of "Hannah Montana" until it's renamed "Hannah Montana: The Retirement Years."

"Children are aware of the emotional climate in their televisions, and nothing is more distressing for them than tensions and discontent they cannot understand," Vespucci added. "Research has shown that, as difficult as it may be, it is beneficial to discuss the writers strike with your children."

Herewith, excerpts from the pamphlet:

Explaining the writers strike in simple English and similes even a child can understand

"Sometimes a man and a woman love each other very much, and when that happens, they get married. Sometimes, however, a man and a woman get pregnant, like your Daddy and Mommy did, and have a wonderful child like yourself, and even though they don't like each other all that much, they try to make it work in order to make their baby happy. And the Producers and the Writers are like your Daddy and Mommy: They never really loved one another, but they had this precious and beloved thing together called the Entertainment Industry. And so the Producers and the Writers tried to stay together to make it work, but then they realized they hated each other too much for the Entertainment Industry to remain happy.

"Remember the time when Mommy and Daddy came home from that party, and Mommy was mad because Daddy had done something bad, and Mommy slapped Daddy? That's what the Writers are trying to do to the Producers. And remember when Daddy responded by sending Mommy to the hospital? That's what the Producers are trying to do to the Writers.

"And just as you were the person who was collateral damage in your Mommy and your Daddy's messy divorce, the Entertainment Industry is getting reamed you-know-where because the Producers and the Writers can't get along."

Honesty might work

"Children are often smarter than they look - hell, they'd just about have to be - so sometimes it's best just to level with them: 'Look, this just means you'll have plenty of time to listen to those directors' commentaries you've been meaning to get to on your Wiggles and Strawberry Shortcake DVDs - hey, who wants ice cream?'"

Dealing with a child's difficult questions

"While 'I don't know' or 'Ask your mother' is always a valid response to a child's queries, in the case of the writers strike, it's important to be more forthcoming. So, if your child asks, 'What has happened to my favorite shows?', do not tell him or her that 'It's just sleeping right now' or 'It's just taking a little rest,' for that could make the child fearful of laying his own head to his pillow, thinking that he too may never return from oblivion.

"Instead, tell your child: 'Remember when Grandnana died after months of getting skinnier and skinnier and calling everyone "Sebastian?" Like her, your favorite shows will never return, either. But, just as you will always have pleasant and fond memories of Grandnana, you'll also have happy memories of going to movies and sitting for hours in front of the television, watching fresh and original quality scripted material. And you'll cherish those memories.

"But, slowly but surely, those memories will dim. And by then, you'll be an adult, and the economy will have collapsed, and the environment will have been devastated by the effects of global warming, and militarized viruses will have wiped out seven-eights of the Earth's population, with feral gangs of rabid zombies feeding with an unprecedented bloodlust upon those unlucky few who still remain, and you won't have time for nostalgic memories of Grandnana or quality original scripted material. So lighten up already.'"