Despite the fact that a lot of people find celebrity website videographers obnoxious louts who encourage confrontation, stuff like TMZ.com and TMZ TV remain curiously addictive to the masses. But what if everyone were subjected to that same sort of random, hectoring scrutiny?

At Presidential press conferences

PRESIDENT: … and I want to thank Congress for working with me in a spirit of bipartisanship to implement these policies that will help great numbers of deserving American lobbyists. Now, I’ll take your questions.

REPORTER 1 (belligerently): Did you say something racist?

PRESIDENT: What? When? Just now? What are you talking about?

REPORTER 1 (faux genially): I saw it on a website somewhere.

REPORTER 2 (belligerently): I read it on a blog.

PRESIDENT: No, that’s absurd –

REPORTER 3 (belligerently): Are you a racist?

PRESIDENT: No, of course not. I’m here to serve all Americans. I don’t pick and choose.

REPORTER 1 (belligerently): Well, what about that website? You calling it a liar?

PRESIDENT: I don’t know what website you’re talking about, but certainly you should know by now that a lot of misinformation is disseminated on the Internet.

REPORTER 2 (belligerently): Don’t like the Internet, huh? I work for the Internet. Does that mean you don’t like me?

REPORTER 3 (belligerently): Yeah, and she’s a woman, too. Does that mean you don’t think women deserve equal rights?

PRESIDENT: This is absurd.

REPORTER 1 (belligerently): You want to hit me? You do, don’t you? Go ahead – do it! Do it!

REPORTER 3 (belligerently): Go for it! Go for it!

At the doctor

DOCTOR (belligerently): Why are you so sick?

PATIENT: Wha – ? What do you mean?

NURSE (faux genially): Are you on drugs?

DOCTOR: Are you drinking again?

NURSE (faux genially): Are you combining drugs and alcohol?

ORDERLY (belligerently): Are you cooking up crystal meth? Your face looks blotchy.

PATIENT: No, none of those things. Don’t you remember? I was diagnosed with esophageal cancer!

ORDERLY (belligerently): Who’ve you been sleeping with to get esophageal cancer?

DOCTOR (belligerently): Yeah, who?

NURSE (belligerently): Don’t you use protection?

PATIENT: What the – ? Look, I’ve got cancer. You can’t get that from sexual contact.

DOCTOR (belligerently): Oh, yeah? Who’s the doctor here?

PATIENT: You don’t need to be a doctor to know you can’t get cancer from sex.

DOCTOR (belligerently): Oh – you want to hit me? Go for it! Go for it!

At book signings

FAN 1 (faux genially): Hey, how’s it going? I hear you don’t really sign your whole name, you just kind of scribble.

AUTHOR: (Chuckles) Well, most of my name is there. My penmanship isn’t the best. Good thing I don’t write my books in longhand.

FAN 1 (belligerently): What, you saying your fans don’t deserve your entire signature?

FAN 2 (belligerently): Yeah, what’s up with that? Do you hate your fans?

AUTHOR: No, no; of course not. It’s just that I write literary fiction and I think my fans are more interested in the ideas in my novels than the autograph on the title page.

FAN 3 (belligerently): Oh, so you’re all uppity, with all your big ideas, and your fans are all too stupid to appreciate a legible autograph, is that it?

AUTHOR: No, that’s not it at all –

FAN 4 (belligerently): Do you abuse your children? Because fans want to know if you do.

AUTHOR: What? I don’t even have any children? What is wrong with you people?

FAN 1 (belligerently): Oh, you want to hit us, don’t you? Go for it! Go for it!

At a coffee shop

(An ordinary guy exits a coffee shop with his drink.)

PASSER-BY 1 (faux genially): Hey, so what you drinking there?

ORDINARY GUY: What?

PASSER-BY 1 (faux genially): It’s a simple question. What’s in your drink?

PASSER-BY 2: Is there crack in it?

PASSER-BY 3 (belligerently): Yeah, are you back to smoking the crack?

ORDINARY GUY: Who are you people? Why are you bothering me?

PASSER-BY 1 (belligerently): Hey, how’s your marriage going? You and your wife still not talking?

ORDINARY GUY: What? Who do you even think I am?

PASSER-BY 3 (belligerently): So, you’re dodging the question, eh?

ORDINARY GUY: No! Well – you know, every marriage has its ups and downs, but – wait a second! What is your problem?

PASSER-BY 4 (faux genially): Someone reportedly saw you readjusting your package – any comment?

ORDINARY GUY: Why can’t you just leave people alone? Why don’t you people just get real jobs?

PASSER-BY 2 (faux genially): Hey, a guy like you gets a mocha/caramel frappucino, rearranges his package, I think people want to know about that sort of thing.

(Ordinary guy tries to retreat back into the coffee shop; the passers-by storm in after him, scattering tables.)

ORDINARY GUY: Why are you people doing this to me? I’m just a private citizen!

PASSER-BY 3 (belligerently): I heard you’re not really a private citizen. Is that true?

(Ordinary guy tries to make his way into the restroom; passers-by try to push in behind him.)

ORDINARY GUY: What is wrong with you? I’m trying to go to the bathroom!

PASSER-BY 1 (faux genially): Oh, you got something to hide, eh?

PASSER-BY 2 (belligerently): Some sort of drug problem?

PASSER-BY 4 (belligerently): So you don’t want people seeing your package, is that it?

PASSER-BY 3 (belligerently): What? You want to hit me? Go for it – go for it!