Requiem for strike-related humor

Remember back when the writers strike was fun, those heady early days of November when there were striking babies, theme days and concerts for engaged strikers featuring pop stars performing "L'Internationale?"

Those days are long gone, my friend, now that Hollywood is being denied its annual birthright of distributing trophies to celebrities and "American Gladiators" is eating up huge chunks of primetime real estate as increasing numbers of scripted shows go dark or into premature rerun mode. It's shaping up to be a long, cold, bitter winter, indeed, and what with having to post frequent strike updates and the strike losing some of its inherent humor value and having failed to pace myself, burning up all my best material early on, I've pretty much run out of amusing takes on the thing.

So, in fond remembrance of those halcyon days (and in a bald effort to increase my residuals for this blog) (oh, wait: I don't get paid anything to do this blog), I present to you this collection of ultra-witty strike-related entries. Enjoy, in that sort of bittersweet way that you did when the folks who did "The Dysfunctional Family Circus" were ordered by Bil Keane's attorneys to shutter their site but powered on to 500 entries nonetheless in their last hours.

* How different TV shows would handle the writers strike:

"Dexter:" Those involved in the talks go missing for months, until their dismembered corpses are found stuffed in garbage bags on the ocean floor. Once the identities of the victims are revealed, the community rallies behind their killer.

"Tell Me You Love Me:" Between rounds of joyless yet explicit lovemaking, the writers and producers whine to one another about how disconnected from the relationship they feel.

"How I Met Your Mother:" They never meet the mother, and never resolve the strike.

* Bogus Day One updates:

Writers eventually capitulated to all of AMPTP's requests, but AMPTP, incapable of dialing back on the bluster, issued the same boilerplate statement: "It is unfortunate that they choose to take this irresponsible action."

* Bogus Day Two updates:

NBC, neatly dove-tailing its "green" initiative with its belt-tightening strategy, announced today that in response to the strike it will be recycling scripts in a new anthology series, "Public Domain Theatre." Episodes of shows that neglected to renew their copyrights, such as the 1962-63 season of "The Andy Griffith Show," will be recast and shot anew. NBC's also readying "DVD Commentary Playhouse," which will feature the stars of NBC's most popular shows (all three of them) discussing their complex acting choices while their favorite episodes play in the background. ...

The CW has already pushed "Emoticon Valley" into production, a reality-competition show that, per its press release, "goes behind the dramatic, tension-filled scenes as contestants vie to create new and inventive emoticons to add to Emails." If that show is successful, The CW will greenlight "The Great ROTFLMAO Challenge," in which teens attempt to come up with ever more obfuscating abbreviations for IMs and text messages in order to confuse their parents.

* Excerpts from the (as-yet) unproduced script "Force Majeure," which transforms the strike into a conspiracy thriller:

Nerdy Writer #4 (or #2 again, if AMPTP wants to save money on cast members): "I know! Let's dip into our Discretionary Fund and hire the best private detectives to dig up the dirtiest of dirt on these guys! Have them find every mistress, every coke deal, every tryst with Larry Craig! Then leak them to the press and their wives will divorce them and get half their fortunes! More importantly, it will humiliate them publicly!"

WGA Hero Character: "That's brilliant!"

Nerdy Writer #3: "But what if they decide to do that to us in turn?"

Nerdy Writer #1: "So what? We're writers - who'd amongst us rates a really hot mistress?"

MONTAGE SEQUENCE: A private detective tails a fat-cat AMPTP member as he goes whoring at his private club, snorting cocaine off his mistress's quivering torso, and other things that'd no doubt really upset the MPAA.

SMASH CUT TO: A screaming headline on the front page of the Los Angeles Clarion Eagle: "HEAD OF BLACKWATER PICTURES TIED TO THAI CHILD PROSTITUTION, DRUGRUNNING, MONEY LAUNDERING, TRYING TO POISON OPRAH'S MINERAL-WATER SUPPLY - AND MAKING CRAPPY MOVIES"

PULL OUT to reveal the story being read by ashen-faced AMPTP members.

TITLE CARD: "WEEK 42"

AMPTP Goon #1: "Those fools! Did they really think this would work?"

AMPTP Goon #2: "Well, it worked on you. Though I can assure you, Halliburton Entertainment is clean as a whistle. (pauses to take the temperature of the room; finding it lukewarm) Though I can't say that similar measures wouldn't work on others in this cabal."

Shrugs all around.

AMPTP Goon #1: "Let's do the same to them!"

AMPTP Goon #2: "If people saw what a writer's mistress looked like, they'd feel even more sorry for them."

* AMPTP's New Economic Partnership revealed:

Item 1: Upfront profit participation. As this is a bold new initiative, we the producers are offering as part of our partnership the opportunity for you the writers to invest in the projects in which you participate. If the production doesn't make any money, well, welcome to our world. If, on the other hand, it does become wildly successful, we will graciously reimburse your investment to you.

Item 2: New media profit participation. Not many people know this, but your home computer or laptop is actually an ATM machine. To collect any profits from all online ventures and downloads, simply go to the website or iTunes store in question. If there are any profits due you, they will be ejected from the disk-drive slot in your computer in the form of crisp $20 bills. If not, well, be patient; we're bound to make some money off your writing eventually.

Item 3: DVD profit participation. We will give you a copy of any DVD you have a writing credit on, free of charge. If you already have a copy, you can take it to Amoeba for a handsome payout of $3 or $4.

* Scoop: An agreement is in sight:

LOS ANGELES (AP) - The spokespresidents for the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers and the Writers Guild of America - Nick Counter and Patric Verrone, respectively - have agreed today to settle their differences in a winner-take-all duel with pistols. ...

Together, AMPTP and the WGA issued a joint statement: "We anticipate moving forward to reach an agreement in a spirit of gritted-teeth unity and tense and awkward silence."

* A modest proposal (one that NBC no doubt wishes it had taken me up on now): Transform awards ceremonies into reality-competition shows:

Simon, Paula and Randy could berate the nominees:

"Kiera Knightly, you're a very lovely young woman, but would it kill you to eat a hamburger?"

"Nikki Blonsky," you're a very lovely young woman, but would it kill you to pass up on a hamburger?" ...

"Javier Bardem, very chilling, but the goofy haircut thing is so Sanjaya."

* Not related to the strike, but I thought it was funny: A tribute to Norman Mailer, recalling the night our paths crossed:

"You think you know women, don't you, Mailer?" I asked rhetorically. "You stabbed a broad once, am I right, and that imbues you with insight into the spectral majesty that is our fairer sex? Well, do you see that dame over there - " and, here, I pointed to a specimen of inordinate pulchritude at a nearby table trying desperately not to make eye contact with me - "do you see her? You do, don't you?" I pulled a revolver tucked into my belt in the small of my back and shot her in the clavicle. "Well, now I think I know a little bit more about women than you do!"