David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. The Official Blog of the United States of America ©
WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) – President George W. Bush, in an effort to ameliorate a $9.2-trillion deficit, announced today plans to allow commercial companies to “sponsor” certain government properties, as well as create opportunities for goods manufactured by corporations to declare themselves the “official” specific product or service “of the United States of America.”
Noting that television productions and the world of sports had profited handsomely on such sponsorships, Bush introduced the first of many corporate/government sponsorships: The Red Bull Energy Drink State of the Union Address©.
“These sponsorships will help pay for a few hours of the war in Iraq, will chip away at the deficit and help keep my tax cuts for the wealthy permanent,” Bush said in making the announcement.
Also renamed were the Sour Cream Tostitos Lincoln Memorial©, the ExxonMobil National Park© (formerly Yellowstone), the Cheez Whiz Department of Justice© and the Depends Adult Undergarment Constitution of the United States©.
In all future news stories, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi must now legally be referred to as Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for PlayStation and Xbox Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi©. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is now Pepto-Bismol Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid©.
In addition, Bush announced a number of corporations allying itself with the government to further their profile. Mattel is the new Official Distributor of Chinese-Manufactured Toys of the United States of America. Kaiser Permanente Health Insurance is the Official Health Provider of the United States of America.
Campbell’s SpaghettiOs is now the Official Canned Footstuff of the United States of America. The AutoZone Liberty Bowl is the Official College Bowl Game of the United States of America. Halothane anesthetic, sold commercially to veterinarians as “Down Boy,” was named the Official Euthanasia Agent of the United States of America.
And, after the fiercest of bidding wars, the title of Official Television Show of the United States of America went to “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”