A grateful nation dodges a bullet

5:54 p.m.: “Ratatouille” shocks the world by predictably winning the Best Animated Feature Oscar. Brad Bird accepts by slagging high-school guidance counselors everywhere.

5:56 p.m.: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have avoided the ignominy of forever having to refer to “the Oscar-winning motion picture ‘Norbit:’” Best Makeup Oscar went to “La Vie en Rose.” The orchestra plays the winners off almost as soon as they hear the words “I have a lot of people to thank.”

5:59 p.m.: “Enchanted’s” Amy Adams performs “Happy Working Song,” one of the Oscar-nominated tunes. I didn’t even know there was a category for Most Phoned-In Ditty.

6:09 p.m.: “The Golden Compass,” that movie that allegedly dissed God, wins an Oscar for disseminating its blasphemous message throughout the world, preventing us, for the moment at least, from having to refer to “the Oscar-winning motion picture ‘Transformers.’”

6:11 p.m.: “Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” wins Best Art Direction without having to threaten anyone with a straight razor.