David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. How your TV shows would be wrapped up, if they ever get wrapped up
Feeling a little bored and punchy from the writers strike, New York magazine invited some idled writers (except for “The Simpsons” – they’re still working, aren’t they?) to correct the plottus interuptus suffered by so many shows. We thoughtfully share some highlights:
“The Office,” as imagined by “Simpsons” writers:
“During Michael’s rap song introducing the new phone system, Phyllis’s cold worsens. She vomits black blood and dies. A terrifying battalion of CDC troops in hazmat suits quarantines the office to prevent the spread of Bhutan swine flu variant-661, or “the Boot.” Meanwhile, Jim and Pam inadvertently wear matching sweaters. They ponder—are they becoming ‘that couple’?”
“The Office” returns the favor, wrapping up “Friday Night Lights”’ season:
“It’s the sixth-to-last game of the season and the stakes could not be higher. Unfortunately, three of the best players have gone missing. With four seconds left before the game, they show up, and the Panthers win by a small margin.”
“Grey’s Anatomy” drama from a “Dexter” writer:
“Meredith decides she wants Derek back, but she’s too late—Derek has asked Rose to marry him, even though they’ve never actually had a real date. Meanwhile, Tucker, Miranda’s husband, tries to serve her with divorce papers, but she’s too busy to receive them.”
And “Daily Show” writers on a number of shows:
“Heroes:” “The power to keep track of all the new heroes becomes way rarer than invisibility or time travel. Seeking to scrimp on budgets, NBC rolls out an entirely special-effects-free spinoff called ‘Bystanders.’”
“Pushing Daisies:” “Attempting to revive his strike-threatened show, Ned decides to “touch himself.” Unfortunately, he enjoys it so much he touches himself again, killing the series for good.”
“Rachel Ray: “Rachael wraps a pretzel in a piece of bologna and calls it a “healthy 30-second snack.” TV executives reward her with another multimillion-dollar contract.”