David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. Super Bowl commercials, not live-blogged
For some reason, people make a big deal out of the commercials they air during the Super Bowl. This tradition goes back to the 1980s, when the commercials weren’t anything special, but they were invariably more interesting than the games themselves. Then, a couple of games threatened to be mildly exciting, and ad-makers couldn’t be content to phone it in.
Now, the obsession with the commercials has gotten so unhealthy – they’re commercials, for [insert your favorite deity’s name here]’s sake – that there are news stories about what they might be like the week before the Super Bowl and news stories deconstructing them after the Super Bowl (for all the talk of the price of a spot, advertisers get lots of free publicity for their commercial). Then there are stories about the aftermath of the commercials – the toll they exacted in body counts and numbers wounded, in limbs lost and lives shattered.
So: Sounds like a deal I should get in on. Here’re the messages the commercials imparted. Warning: I may or may not actually be watching the game.
3:32: Hip-hop DJs endorse cherry-flavored spackle.
3:43: I don’t think it was a good idea for Campbell’s Soup to rename itself Cannibal’s.
3:57: It appears that attractive women are drawn to men who drink beer. I’ll have to try me some of that stuff.
4:03: A woman’s heart bursts from her chest and quits her job for her. Apparently a pro-unemployment spot.
4:21: They’re imploring people to wear football helmets. No, wait – that’s the game.
4:44: Three-and-outs seem to be all the rage.
4:55: Not true, it turns out, that stuff about women and beer.
5:06: If you buy a Rickenbacker guitar, thousands of people will shriek ecstatically at you. If you don’t like people shrieking at you, pass on the guitar.
5:23: Antacids can make your tummy better; also, they can create little bistros.
5:25: Lilac-scented phlegm is good for the whole family.
5:32: Water has all sorts of magical abilities. Water! Who knew?
5:35: Don’t offer Carmen Electra gum.
5:36: Cars are good for many things, but they can’t seem to kill Richard Simmons for some reason.
5:40: Cute, computer-generated images are hellbent on eating out humanity’s brains and conquering the planet.
5:47: If you log onto NFL.com, you can see highlights from the game, except that there haven’t been any.
5:52: Babies urping on computer keyboards are adorable.
5:56: Purchasing merchandise makes one more attractive to the opposite sex. I’ll have to get me some merchandise.
5:58: The National Banana Council wants you to know that you can do worse than eating bananas in humid environments.
6:06: Cartoon characters love helium balloons shaped like cola bottles, even though – or perhaps because – there’s no actual cola in the balloon.
6:12: Bill Frist and James Carvelle share a love that dare not reveal its name.
6:14: Adam Sandler has a distressingly low opinion of his audience.
6:22: Not true, it turns out, that stuff about purchasing merchandise and the opposite sex.
6:23: Gatorade is akin to dog slobber.
6:26: Hey, I actually laughed at a commercial. Thank you, Will Ferrell.
6:44: Victoria’s Secret wants you to have sex after the game.
6:45: If that Victoria’s Secret spot got you in the mood for some lovin’, the next commercial takes you out of it immediately: A guy uses his nipples like the bolts of a car battery. That should be enough to put you off energy drinks for the rest of your life.
6:56: Eli Manning will be as ubiquitous in commercials next season as his brother was this season.
7:01: Mike Gravel is looking very Presidential.