A statement from the Mayor of Television on the occasion of his latest sex scandal

In the past few days, I have begun to atone for my private failings with the Good People of Television. The remorse I feel will always be with me, and not just because I write a lot about ‘According to Jim.’

From those to whom much is given, much is expected, so, really, not a whole lot is expected of me, but even then, I have delved below those expectations. I have been given the trust of the people of Television to lead this noble land, and I am deeply sorry that I did not live up to what was expected of me. To every viewer and to all those who believed in what I tried to stand for, such as ridding the world of any ‘Pussycat Dolls’ reality series, I sincerely apologize.

I look at my time as Mayor of Television with a sense of what might have been, but I also know that as a public servant I have accomplished a great deal, or, as some might put it, nothing.

There is much more to be done, and I cannot allow my private failings to disrupt Television’s work. Over the course of my public life, I have insisted, I believe correctly, though in retrospect disastrously embarrassingly, that people, regardless of their position or power, take responsibility for their conduct. I can and will ask no less of myself.

For this reason, I am resigning from the office of Mayor of Television, for the next day or so, at least.

I want it to be clear that I will not be posting blog entries for the next day or so not because the blog server is undergoing servicing to prevent it from being in a state of perpetual meltdown and not because I have a lot of impending deadline stories that require my full attention in these troubled times.

Even though both of those reasons are genuinely true, unalterable facts, I want everyone to understand that I am enveloped in a deeply humiliating scandal that invites the Schadenfreude of a nation that cannot resist the urge to be bemused by the notion that I can only rate a three-diamond hooker on a seven-diamond scale, but, Jeez, you know, it’s not like it’s Kristin’s a dog or anything.

I mean, I can’t even get the Daily News to expense my satellite-TV bills, so how can you expect me to get them to underwrite my reveling amidst the pulchritudinous flesh I so richly deserve?

Nonetheless, I go forward positing the belief that as human beings, our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall, rising with a greater tumescence so that Kristin will quit giggling at you already.

As I leave public life for the next 48 hours or so, I will first do what I need to do to help and heal myself and anyone who wants to claim me as an acquaintance. Then I will try once again to serve the common good so long as it involves shutting down every sh!tty NBC reality show that they’ve announced in the past few weeks.

Thank you for your support, and please check back at this website in a day or so. Also, please tip your waitresses. Thank you and good day.