Paris Hilton gives you a bonus reason to hate her (though you certainly don’t need it)

On Friday, MTV, with an unseemly swagger in its step, announced its latest contribution to the End of Western Civilization as We Know It© – a new reality-competition series, “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF.” (Apparently, neither “Paris Hilton’s Old BS” nor a reality show about her hyped-then-aborted trip to Rwanda didn’t test as well.)

In the show, per the press release, “Paris will invite 20 potential best friends to Los Angeles to … compete in tests of loyalty, endurance, and girl politics to find her perfect wing-BFF. The contestants will have to prove that they have what it takes to make it in the glamorous but brutal world of Hollywood circa 2008 – constant media attention, relentless bloggers, temptations of party life and bad taste in men. The winner gets the greatest prize of all in today’s America (italics mine), an all-access pass to the VIP section of the VIP section, and life lessons from the master of contemporary Hollywood celebrity.”

Well, it certainly doesn’t sound heinous.

Practicing the sort of ferociously intrepid investigative journalism that would make “The Wire’s” Scott Templeton proud, Your Mayor was able to unearth the outline of the 10-episode series, drawn up, though Hilton is credited as one of the show’s executive producers, apparently without her input (well, duh, as it required putting pen to paper). Warning: Spoilers!

EPISODE ONE (PILOT)

Amidst the whoops and holla’s required of all openings to reality-competition shows, the 20 contestants meet Paris for the first time. Three are sent packing when they decline to participate in the show’s first challenge: Submitting to a lobotomy in order to more easily acclimate to Paris’s world. Additionally, six other contestants who had neglected getting the recommended inoculations are subjected to iodine scrubdowns with wire brushes when they experience virulent rashes after their first encounter with Hilton in close proximity.

EPISODE TWO

The 17 remaining contestants are schooled in the art of making it obvious they’re not wearing underwear while stepping out of limos and black militarized SUVs with bulletproof windows. Two of the male participants are excused from the competition when zucchinis slip out of their not-tight-enough pleather pants.

EPISODE THREE

At a trendy nightclub, one contestant makes a grievous error when she pauses to talk to an ordinary guy. Paris is not apprised of this misstep because she couldn’t possibly understand what would cause such behavior. Additionally, two more participants voluntarily drop out of the competition, complaining of Ms. Hilton, “A holographic image has more substance.”

EPISODE FOUR (IF WE’RE NOT CANCELED AT THIS POINT)

A binge-drinking competition eliminates one contestant, who poignantly dies of alcohol poisoning.

EPISODE FIVE

With the field already whittled down to 13, nerves are frayed as Paris issues her biggest challenge to date: Locating a member of the media who, if put on “The Moment of Truth,” could honestly confess that covering Ms. Hilton’s antics does not fill him/her with deeply mortifying shame. While no one manages to pass this challenge, one resourceful contestant almost succeeds when she contacts Larry King. Unfortunately, King, in his perpetually addled state, confuses Paris with Carol Channing, assertively stating, “She was dynamite in “Hello, Dolly!”

EPISODE SIX

In her inimitable fashion, Paris coaches the 13 remaining aspirants in how to perform in an Internet sex tape. Four contestants contract full-blown AIDS and must withdraw from the competition. Two others are additionally excised when they blanch at the prospect of pleasuring the sort of skank Ms. Hilton revels in.

EPISODE SEVEN (A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE)

The remaining seven participants are assigned to remove sundry lice, crabs and militarized fleas from Ms. Hilton’s person with tweezers. The “pinchiest” is shown the door.

EPISODE EIGHT

On a closed track, six finalists are put through a series of vehicular challenges testing their motor skills while driving impaired. Alas, one dies when she plows her Cadillac Escalade directly into a concrete wall at 90 mph. It’s unclear as to whether she did so because of her alcohol consumption or because she had despaired after having to spend so much time around Paris.

EPISODE NINE

The five surviving contestants are forced to spend a week in a Los Angeles jail in order to better appreciate the sort of hardships Paris has had to deal with her entire life. While in the slammer, one participant finds Jesus, another claims to find Jesus but just might be using that as a pretext to get out of the show, and yet another bails after meeting “Motecuhzoma Xocoyotzin,” a righteous prison bitch who actually exudes a modicum of personality and schools her in the art of sweet, sweet love.

EPISODE TEN (SEASON FINALE)

Down to our last two contestants, Paris subjects them to the most difficult challenge yet: They’re forced to sit down and listen to her CD from beginning to end, without getting up to go to the bathroom or projectile vomiting or dialing 911. The identity of the winner is a shocker! But as soon as the triumphant participant is named, she bolts past Paris and has her newly installed publicist 1) set up interviews with major media outlets, 2) announce her mall tour to promote her new clothing line, and 3) plug her upcoming CD of duets with Ashley Alexandra Dupre, to be produced by Sean Combs.