Technically, ABC won't just be airing a test pattern, but...

ABC announced the detritus that will be filling its airwaves come the summer, and all I can say is shoot me now.

Actually, "Shoot Me Now" would be a pretty good ABC reality show: Contestants, placed in a hermetically sealed dungeon armed only with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a firearm are subjected to the following programs; surviving family members of the one who lasts the longest gets $1 million.

"The Bachelorette:" You know the drill on this one. DeAnna Pappas, who got dumped by the bachelor who figured living a life in solitude was preferable to hooking up with someone more interested in face-time with reality-show cameras, will troll for telegenic dudes. Debuts Monday, May 19, 9 p.m.; thereafter, 8 p.m. Mondays.

"The Mole:" You probably know the drill on this one, too: Contestants do "Amazing Race"-style challenges, but one of them is trying to undermine their efforts. Anderson Cooper won't be hosting anymore, alas. Monday, May 26, 10 p.m.

"Wipeout:" "American Gladiators" without the added expense of gladiators. Contestants traverse an obstacle course and try not to die. Tuesday, June 24, 8 p.m.

"I Survived a Japanese Game Show:" Japanese game shows are amongst the most surreal, most brutal things TeeVee has to offer us, so why don't they just reinvent one here? No, they have to go and make a TV show about people going on yet another TV show. Added bonuses: Culture clashes and xenophobia! Tuesday, June 24, 9 p.m.

"ABC News' Hopkins:" Eight years ago, ABC News did a documentary series on Johns Hopkins Hospital. Now, they do the same damn thing again. Thursday, June 26, 10 p.m.

"Dance Machine:" Because there simply aren't enough dance-competition reality shows on television. Friday, June 27, 8 p.m.

"High School Musical: Summer Session:" In which they finally go to the well one too many times. Reality competition with people singing and (yes!) dancing to songs from the Disney Channel phenomenon. They haven't figured out what the winner'll get, so they're acting like it'll be some big surprise; here's guessing it's a roll in "High School Musical 3." Sunday, July 20, 8 p.m.

"Wanna Bet:" A combination of "America's Got Talent," "Secret Talents of the Stars," "Oprah's Big Give" and just about every other reality show ever made. Monday, July 21, 9 p.m.