The TV equivalent of waterboarding

On April 8, CBS is uncorking the awkwardly titled reality-competition show “Secret Talents of the Stars.” This is what they plan on subjecting you to (all of this is real, per CBS’s press release):

* Clint Black will perform stand-up comedy.

* George Takei – Mr. Sulu! – will croon country tunes.

* Malcolm-Jamal Warner, accompanied by “a Hip Hop Orchestra,” will play bass guitar and perform an original song.

* Marla Maples – the former Mrs. Donald Trump – will perform a gymnastic routine with The Anti-Gravity Troupe including aerial flips and bungee stunts.

* Sasha Cohen (the Olympic medalist figure skater, not Borat) will perform contortionist moves with the New Shanghai Circus. Which seems to me a bit of a cheat – she was a gymnast before turning to figure skating.

* Wrestler Ric Flair, apparently spurned by “Dancing with the Stars,” will dance the salsa.

* Former boxer Joe Frazier will sing rhythm & blues.

* Model Bridget Marquardt will perform trapeze stunts with ex-Cirque du Soleil acrobats.

* Sheila E. will juggle with The Flying Karamazov Brothers.

* Boxer Roy Jones, Jr. will rap.

* “Spokesmodel” Cindy Margolis will perform magic. Can she make my TV disappear while this show is on?

* Mya will tap-dance. Yes, a broadcast television network will devote some of its primetime air to an actress/singer you’ve heard of but can’t quite place tap-dancing.

* Actor/radio DJ/reality-show addict Danny Bonaduce will ride a unicycle with members of The Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Oh, geez – bring Mya back.

* “Pop culture personality” Ben Stein will dance The Jitterbug. Bring back Bonaduce.

This shouldn’t be allowed to happen in a nation where firearms are readily available.