The CW shovels the fertilizer

The CW, in a bold attempt to make you think they still exist, will present yet another new reality show, “Farmer Wants a Wife,” later this month. Think of it as “Hillbilly Bachelor” and you’re close enough. (Remember: On this April Fools Day, we’re not making anything up; it just feels like it.)

Ah, but the catch – there’s always a catch – is that the farmer must pick the woman who’ll slop the hogs and feed the chickens and grease the willy from a bunch of high-class big-city fancy-ladies who’ll have to pretend to be excited by tractor pulls and squeezed teats (on cows, that is).

So, just a few things that caught my eye in the contestant bios:

Christa apparently believes the way to a simple farmer’s heart is by accentuating one’s alcoholism: “There are a million and one places to go in New York. Every corner you turn, there is a bar and I want to see them all! I've done a pretty good job accomplishing that.”

Josie, a “Playboy cybergirl and aspiring actress,” explains her strategy to win over our plainspoken guy who’s happiest when he’s on a tractor: List among your interests “traveling to exotic islands” and insist he get a little gumption: “One thing I hate are men who wake up and say ‘I don’t know where my career is going.’”

Kanisha has a good chance, since she seems to like losers: “I love going to a Los Angeles Clippers game. I’m a big fan.” (Full disclosure: My grandfather was a farmer, so naturally I don’t think of farmers as losers; I was the loser when he had me working the fields at age 8 for a quarter a day (where was Cesar Chavez then, huh?). Also, I have purchased Clippers tickets myself, but not this season.)

Krista’s not even trying: She lists among her interests “snuggling with my skunk.” Whether it’s a real skunk or drugs, Krista may offer the rustic, somnolent charms of a sleepy rural community, but hardly in any way they’d prefer.

Of course, Krista might have a modicum of personality. Contrast her with Ashley, who at age 27 has amassed exactly one interest: “shoe shopping.”

Nonetheless, ladies, and gentlemen, our winner: Brooke, who says, “I try to put God first in everything I do because I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without my faith. I love my country boys, because no one looks better in a camo hat driving a big truck.”