ABC's upfront presentation from this afternoon in 651 words or fewer

Anne Sweeney, President, Disney-ABC Television Group: Welcome, blah blah blah, ABC's better than ever and you can watch entire episodes of shows on your phone, blah blah.

Jimmy Kimmel: Sorry there's no party this year - we're focusing less on the after-party and more on developing shows that aren't "Cavemen." Sundry NBC-bashing. TVs are bigger, kids are fatter, gas has never been more expensive - if we can't get people to watch TV under those circumstances we should all be executed gangland-style. We're very excited about all both of our new shows.

Mike Shaw, President, ABC Sales and Marketing: Cliché, cliché, cliché, cliché, television is better than ever, C3, HUTs, more TV-sales jargon, we've created a formula involving actual numbers that shows that everyone on the planet watches ABC and no one watches anyone else and here are those numbers though we're keeping the formula strictly under wraps, just trust us and after all would a salesman lie? (He was like John Lahr's cable-TV executive in that DirecTV commercial - "I went to business school, where I read a book - about business school.")

Stephen McPherson, President, ABC Entertainment: We started out strong last fall. Too bad that whole writers strike thing utterly emasculated us. New shows? We don't need no stinking new shows! What? OK, here're two.

"Opportunity Knocks:" They build a set on a suburban street somewhere and have neighbors participate in some vaguely embarrassing competitions: (to a kid) "You have 45 seconds to trash your sister's room and find her diary." Ha! She doesn't even have a diary! This is the post-literate society, remember?

"Life on Mars:" Looks exactly like the British version, which as we've said was great, except the actress playing the ladycop doesn't have dark hair. Otherwise, like, even the same camera angles and color schemes. Colm Meaney and Lennie Clarke are in it. Except, as we've noted, it's going to be produced by the talent-deficit-disorder-suffering team that created "October Road," so prepare to have your heart broken.

Stephen McPherson: Well, that's it - what? We have some more time? Oh, well. Hmm. Well, here's a glimpse at some stuff we're developing that may or may not actually make it on TV.

"Four Play:" "Will & Grace" creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick busk for the cameras, explaining how their new comedy will be like nothing on TV. They're kind of kidding, but they also kind of want to believe it.

"The Goode Family:" Mike Judge explains his new cartoon show, which will be a midseason replacement, about a way too politically correct family. Could be funny; can't tell from the clip.

"In the Motherhood:" An online show starring Jenny McCarthy, Leah Rimini and Chelsea Handler (who looks a lot like Jenny McCarthy - do they accidentally do each other's lines on the set?) that has contests and people like you can write story ideas for the online show but they probably won't let you write for the real show because that's what professionals are for.

Stephen McPherson: Well, thanks for com--What? We still have more time? Jesus. Watch these clips from the summer reality shows we've slapped together.

Oh, hooray, "The Mole" and "The Bachelorette" are back! And they have something clunkily called "I Survived a Japanese Game Show," as well as something that looks precisely like a Japanese game show only it's called "Wipeout." It features people who look like they're bred at a special facility designed specifically to create lummoxes who'll be willing to appear on shows like this and make utter fools of themselves, doing belly-flops into mud-filled ponds. But it is kind of funny - for the duration of the clip, at least.

Stephen McPherson: Seriously, dude, we're completely tapped out. We'll play ourselves out (hey, Bill O'Reilly, remember that phrase?) with this unrevealing clip from an upcoming episode of "Lost." Thanks for coming. Give us money.