CBS's upfront presentation from this afternoon in 651 words or more

CBS this afternoon introduced four more new shows, offered endless celebrity jabbering about its sundry media platforms and in general offered more information and less gasbaggery than ABC managed yesterday - and came in a couple of minutes shorter than ABC's presentation, as well.

So, here's how it played out:

Les Moonves, CBS COO: They're in Carnegie Hall; hence, a lame, tortured metaphor about CBS's TV, online, radio and billboard empire being akin to an orchestra. Lame, tortured metaphors were a recurring theme today.

Craig Ferguson: Mock praise for the advertisers in attendance for their uncanny ability to sell the boobs who watch CBS worthless junk they don't need. Proves once again that droll, amiable self-deprecation gets you far, even if your material wouldn't otherwise.

Adam Carolla: Vaguely bitter tirade on his career trajectory disguised as some sort of enthusiastic touting of CBS radio stations.

Quincy Smith, President, CBS Interactive: Insists more people go to websites attached to CBS.com than any other websites in the world. Our content follows our audience rather than our audience following our content, or something like that that no doubt sounded good when some overpaid consultant thought it up. Now, it just sounds like CBS content is a stalker.

Anthony E. Zuiker, creator, "CSI" franchise: I love CBS! Give it up for CBS - c'mon, clap! Some sort of artificial enthusiasm-enhancers speaking? Possibly. Unveils sinister scheme, "CSI 24/7/365," to ensure that no matter where you go, you will be inundated with "CSI"-related content - seriously, Grissom's gonna be dialing you up on your cell phone with spam calls, if Zuiker gets his way.

Rachel Ray: Lame, tortured metaphor comparing CBS's syndicated programming to a BBQ chicken sandwich. A captive audience of thousands had to sit through this.

Nina Tassler, President, CBS Entertainment: Not too much blah blah blah rah rah CBS; straight into introducing the new shows.

"Worst Week:" I was finishing up Emailing myself some notes while some of the clip was playing (anything to prevent having Rachel Ray burned into my retinas, and anyway, seems like half those in attendance were playing on their cell phones during the presentation, as well). Based (like most new shows this season) on an overseas hit, a British comedy about a couple's disastrous wedding preparations. As previously mentioned, ABC did a show like this a couple of years back, "Big Day;" didn't do well. But this one's on after "Two and a Half Men," and Jesus, people even proved willing to watch "Rules of Engagement" after "Two and a Half Men," so maybe it has a chance. Seemed to go waver between amusingly escalating mayhem and soaring waaay over the top.

"Project Gary:" Good lord, another one of these: Divorced guy (Jay Mohr) deals with ex (show-killer Paula Marshall, "Cupid," "Snoops," "Cursed," "Hidden Hills," "Out of Practice," etc.) and kids and new dating world in a warm and fuzzy and fizzy fashion. Apparently it's a lame, tortured metaphor on the state of the sitcom. It'll be paired with "The New Adventures of Old Christine" on Wednesdays, offering viewers potent reminders (as if they needed any more) of just how miserable divorced life is.

"Eleventh Hour:" Yet more from the Jerry Bruckheimer TeeVee sweatshop hit factory, based on a British show that looks like it was based on "The X-Files." "Brilliant biophysicist" (are there any mediocre biophysicists?) Dr. Jacob Hood (Rufus Sewell) helps the government find solutions to scientific crises (must be science-fiction, as our current government doesn't believe in science). Seems perhaps a tad overwrought, but it's on after "CSI" and opposite NBC's flatlining "ER" and ABC's "Life on Mars" so it should do OK.

"The Mentalist:" "Psych," only not as funny - a guy (Simon Baker) who used to pretend to be a psychic but really just has keen perceptive abilities helps cops solve crimes and doesn't play by the rules! Some sort of love-hate sexual frisson with his boss (Robin Tunney), too. Sandwiched between "NCIS" and "Without a Trace" on Tuesdays, it likely won't crater. (Former timeslot occupant "The Unit" has been shipped to Sunday night, to the timeslot where "Shark" went to die.)

"The Ex List:" Based on an Israeli show about a woman (here played by Elizabeth Reaser) who really really really wants to get married, only a psychic tells her she's already met her soul mate and if she can't track him down in a year, then it's spinsterhood for her. Well. How seriously can you take her if she's taking her romance cues from a psychic? Didn't "The Mentalist" already show us that they're all fakes? And while Reaser has been strong in some guest appearances on sundry shows I've seen, here she seems a little too "Aren't I adorable?" for my tastes. No matter, this isn't aimed at me - it's targeted at those same women who couldn't get a date on Friday night who didn't watch NBC's "Miss Match" or ABC's "Men in Trees," either.

"Harper's Island:" Midseason series about a group of friends who gather for a wedding on the titular landmass and then a whole bunch of people start getting murdered. Apparently a self-contained, one-shot deal, unless they get cold feet and dial back on the body count so they'll have characters still around for a second season. Maybe they can do cross-over episodes with "Worst Week," also about a disastrous wedding.