Whistling past the upfront graveyard

In the wake of our story yesterday on the critical situation facing the broadcast networks this upfront week come more stories on the miserable downturn in viewership for the broadcast networks and What It All Might Mean. But really, if I do say so myself, just read mine and save yourself some time.

So in the meantime, Variety indulges in its annual speculation and scooping as to what shows might be making it to the air come fall and what might not be returning ("Boston Legal" has apparently dodged a bullet, while the creators of Fox's "Back To You" will go back to the drawing board.) Given that the writers strike pretty much scrapped pilot season, drastically reducing the number of potential new shows, here's how bad things are for ABC: They haven't outright cancelled their low-rated new series "Miss Guided" and "Eli Stone."

So what may be turning up? A lot of shows based on shows from overseas.

* ABC's got "Life on Mars," based on a terrific British TV series about a police detective whose partner is kidnapped when he's hit by a car ... and wakes up in the macho '70s, where cop precincts were modeled after "Starsky & Hutch." It was developed for the network by David E. Kelley, but that's where the good news ends. The bad news is the original series only went 16 episodes, less than one season of American TV; to keep it afloat, they'll pretty much have to ignore all the stuff about his efforts to return to the present day and save his partner. Worse, ABC is said to be handing the show over to Josh Appelbaum, Andre Nemec and Scott Rosenberg - the guys behind the god-awful "October Road." So don't expect any character motivations to make an ounce of sense.

ABC has also ordered an animated series from Mike Judge ("King of the Hill," "Beavis & Butt-head"), "The Goode Family, and a reality show, "Opportunity Knocks," in which a game show comes to an unsuspecting contestant's home. ABC may be ramping up production quickly for midseason, so it can rid itself of the "Eli Stones" of its schedule in a timely fashion.

* CBS has reportedly ordered six new shows, including two new sitcoms for a second sitcom bloc on its schedule. Sitcoms include "Worst Week," based, again, on a very funny (but intentionally limited to 17 episodes) British series about a couple's disastrous wedding preparations (ABC's "Big Day" mined this territory a couple seasons back; it got cancelled), and "Project Gary," starring Jay Mohr as a divorced father re-entering the dating world.

CBS dramas may include "The Ex List," based on an Israeli TV show about a woman who's told by a psychic that she's already met Mr. Right (if she pays attention to tarot cards, she gets everything she deserves), and "Eleventh Hour," adapted from a British iteration of "The X-Files" and produced, inevitably, by Jerry Bruckheimer. Also possibly on tap: "The Mentalist," which isn't based on an overseas show but does sound suspiciously like an unfunny version of "Psych," and "Harper's Island," a murder-mystery-at-a-wedding drama that'll probably be too serialized to succeed.

* Fox, as we've previously noted, has Joss Whedon's "Dollhouse" and J.J. Abrams' "Fringe" up for midseason. It'll add the comedies "The Inn," about a trendy Manhattan hotel from an "Arrested Development" writer (the pilot was directed by "AD's" Jason Bateman) and "Class Dismissed," an animated show based on a British show that was adapted by "AD's" Mitch Hurwitz (and features Bateman's vocal talents) but won't likely benefit from his input on a daily basis. Are you clear on all that "AD" cross-pollination?

* Oh, and The CW has some stuff going on, including that "Beverly Hills, 90210" rehash and a last-second reprieve for "Reaper," but you know, it's just hard to care.

But you know what? None of this matters, because ...

On top of all this, word comes that the networks have little faith in the palliative negotiating abilities of AMPTP's Nick Counter and are indeed bracing for an actors strike. In which case, scratch all this and get ready for the uproarious raucous reality show "Funny Dogs in Hats."