July 2008 Archives

There is nothing, nothing, more annoying than someone who spends a ton of energy to get your attention and then sits down and flat-out lies to you, unless, of course, it's someone who bores you at the same time. Which brings us to Pamela Anderson, whose new E! show, "Pam: Girl on the Loose," yet another celeb-reality show, which, after a sort of promising start with "The Osbournes," has quickly devolved into TV's most unjustifiably self-satisfied and not just therefore most loathsome genre.

The press release is far more entertaining than the show itself, for its rapturously pretentious description of a program in which the star, understanding her fan base, flashes snatches of her breasts and buttocks within the first minutes of the first episode. ("There's more to me than that, but I'll let you see that, too," she coyly promises before that little moment.) Press notes refer to "Pam: Girl on the Loose" as an "observational documentary" (hands out there, everybody, from anyone who has seen a non-observational documentary?), insisting that it "provide(s) a truly personal and in-depth glimpse into the world and creative vision of this outspoken animal rights activist, passionate environmentalist and devoted mom." And, of course, the weather balloons known as her boobs.

More from the press release: "'Pam: Girl on the Loose' is shot with the style and sixties-esque artistic flair of a feature documentary, a style devised by Pam herself, setting it apart from every other show on the television landscape." Translation: The images are invariably grainy, meaning your investment in an HDTV will pay off handsomely here. (She's also credited as co-director and co-editor of every episode, which only ratchets up the measure of ego involved; there's not much to say about the direction, but whoever edited it certainly would've benefited from some Ritalin.)

And: "Throughout each episode, Pam inscribes her own personal messages and thoughts in pink marker across the screen to connect even further with viewers." Translation: Hey, those little scribbled inanities worked for the deeply incisive journalists at Us Magazine, so why not us? An example of said "personal message" "to connect even further with viewers:" During a photo shoot, the words "Photo Shoot" appear on screen in her curlicue scrawl.

"This was an opportunity to do something on my own terms. ... Nothing is contrived," Anderson insists early on, but of course her show is nothing but contrived. In tonight's episode, she's late for a photo shoot with photographer David LaChapelle, one that, given her busy busy life, cannot possibly be rescheduled, but that threatens to make them late to catch Elton John's final performance in Vegas. Now, when, say, I'm about to be late to an appointment, that creates drama in, oh, maybe, me; it's only Anderson's outsized bosum sense of self that leads to this being considered high drama, especially since she's catching a private jet to Vegas, and no way it's taking off without her.

So - whew! - she makes it to the show, then parties with Hugh Hefner afterwards and, then, per the press release, "True to her priorities, Pam flies back to Malibu to be home before her sons wake up." Because, you know, nothing screams "doting mom" more than partying all night but getting home before the kids wake up to be tended by their nannies.

More pulse-pounding drama from tonight's episode: Pam strides the Red Carpet at the ultra-glamorous premiere of "Superhero Movie" ("Children saved my life," she reflects in her limo en route, well away from her kids), and she hosts a rummage sale and her kids set up a lemonade stand. "I love yard sales! I love lemonade stands!" she explains, repeatedly, in different deeply revealing iterations.

A future episode involves her venturing to Washington, D.C. to promote PETA on "Larry King Live" and at the White House Correspondents Dinner ("I can probably not even point out George Bush," she admits, underscoring PETA's seriousness of purpose), while back at home, her contractor contends with some fairly outsized demands on the new home she's having built ("The reality of building a house is, it's traumatic, it's personal, it's financial," her architect melodramatically intones). A handler sternly informs her contractor that her problematically positioned pool (it's too close to the ocean, creating unhealthy ruptures of water at its bottom that delays its construction) must have genuine gold tiles at its bottom because it must "sparkle," for if it doesn't it will be, "for lack of a better word, boring. It'll be boring. And we can't afford that." Spoken like a true "passionate environmentalist."

Altogether, Pam comprises three boobs.

- "Pam: Girl on the Loose:" 10 p.m. Sunday, E!

I have a friend in The Industry who takes pitches, and a recent one involved Tillman, the skateboarding/snowboarding wonder bulldog that got bounced last night from CBS's reality show "Greatest American Dog."

Tillman and his owner were chased off the show after a photo-shoot competition. Each contestant had to cajole their pooch into depicting a word selected at random; Tillman's was "lazy." The judges (who are these people and why do their opinions matter?) declared the photo of Tillman one of the most boring snapshots of a bulldog ever and that the photo shoot was lazy, not the depiction therein.

Tillman's people seem to think their dog is just so inherently lovable that they don't have to do much to coax the "awww's." Which seems to be the approach they took at the pitch meeting - they had an idea for a film (or straight-to-DVD production) featuring Tillman, but had no storyline prepared, and a plot would really come in handy if you're going to put serious money into a film. (After all, those clips of Tillman currently seen on YouTube are only about 90 seconds, at which point, you know, you've gotten the idea.)

So if you have a script lying around collecting dust involving a skateboarding bulldog and his amiably wisecracking owner who foils some wackily inept bankrobbers in a ski town by steamrollering them with his snowboard and falls in love with a toy poodle (as his owner falls for the poodle's owner, a soulful yet harried owner of an independent bookstore), you might want your people to get in touch with Tillman's people.

That said, Tillman got robbed last night. They should've booted the woman who rubber-banded up her border collie's teeth to get it to look like it was growling.

Sign of the times: "The biggest house that ABC's 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition' ever made over - a sprawling, four-bedroom starter castle, a three-car garage mahal with a turret and all -- has gone into foreclosure."

(Aren't you nostalgic for the Depression these days?)

The Washington Post's Hank Stuever then eloquently scolds us all:

"You could (and will) say the (family that lost the home) had it coming, but really, we all had this coming. One thing we'll always remember about this decade was the constant home do-over fetish, in real life and in the reality of reality TV -- the constant warping of the consumer's sense of entitlement, the fairy-dust economics, the MasterCard reminder that the experience is priceless. We'll look back and think of all the time we spent watching shows where people flipped houses for easy profit, or traded spaces, or designed it to sell, or were led into rooms blindfolded to experience the paroxysms that came with new paint, new furniture, new life. ...

"Bring on Extreme Failure," he concludes.

Isn't it here already?

The heartening story for TBS this summer is that its sitcom "My Boys" has kind of hit its stride this summer, so what screener do they ship us?

"The Bill Engvall Show." And why? No idea; tonight's episode is your typically contrived yet predictable fodder that has you wondering how these writers draw paychecks.

It opens with Bill and his TeeVee wife, Susan (Nancy Travis), in bed. Susan has a look of consternation on her face. Bill is waking up. He leans over to give her a morning-breath smooch and she hops from the bed, away from his clutches; he kisses her pillow.

"Is it just me or is your face a little puffy?" Bill asks. That's the first "joke."

Turns out Susan had a dream that Bill had an affair with someone named Penelope and she's convinced it'll come true. She's like the folks in "Minority Report," punishing people before they even commit a crime. But they do manage to work in four buck-teeth jokes inside a minute.

So, Bill goes to lunch with his nebbishy pal Paul (Tim Meadows), who asks him to help make him look good when he flirts with the waitress, which he does so monumentally badly that he'll never get a date.

Whose name, it turns out, is Penelope.

Who later calls Bill's home to tell him he left his credit card at the restaurant.

Whose call is picked up, naturally, by Susan.

Penelope uses her name, not the restaurant's, in introducing herself to Susan. Which of course turns Susan apoplectic and turns Bill into blubbering mush incapable of pointing out how stupid all this is.

And the subplot is genius, too: Uber-dumb son Trent (Graham Patrick Martin), tired of his pop's panicky way of teaching him how to drive, enlists sassy sister Lauren (Jennifer Lawrence) to help him instead. They're taking nerdling little brother Bryan (Skyler Gisondo) to the post office so he can be the first in his class to own the new Albert Einstein stamp (here's where the show abandons verisimilitude - Bryan isn't covered by bruises and welts from all the beat-downs he no doubt receives as school).

En route to the post office (wouldn't a kid who spends his day on his laptop simply order the stamps online, thereby avoiding that long line of patrons clamoring to purchase the stamp that he misguidedly envisions?), Bryan notes that someone driving with a learner's permit must have an adult in the car with them and starts freaking out that they're breaking the law. Sure enough, they're pulled over by the cops (not for not stopping at a stop sign, but for stopping in the crosswalk, even though there were no pedestrians, but anyway). And once Lauren gets behind the wheel, she promptly backs into the cop car.

Oh, my sides, sore from the laughter.

Did I mention that Paul is a nebbish? And that he'll never, ever get a date? Because he won't.

- "The Bill Engvall Show:" 9 tonight, TBS.

Next week, the Summer Olympics begin from China. NBC and its cable networks will be offering 3,600 hours of coverage in only 2,400 hours of available airtime. And we're expected to respond in a Pavlovian style to all this incessant hype, slumping idly on our couches, flecks of spittle at the corners of our mouths as we take it all in.

We'll sit through the grandiose opening ceremony as parades of athletes and pyrotechnics fly by while NBC's announcers declare that the lifespan in Djibouti is 43.1 years, which may sound tragically brief, but in reality feels about 17 years too long, or that Tunisia is a Muslim woman's Dream Hell. (Both jokes courtesy The Onion.com's Atlas, "Our Dumb World," which has about 100,000 others.) We'll incessantly hear about various triumph and tragedy so astonishing that athletes spontaneously combust upon winning competitions to avoid having to return to their oppressive homelands.

But why? Why must we care about this quadrennial orgy of up-close-and-personal profiles of athletes who might score a Wheaties box appearance in the next couple of months but the rest of us will only ever hear about again if we watch a "Where Are They Now?" special? Why must we be forced to formulate considered opinions of sports we don't care about, don't understand, and often haven't even heard of? Why must we pretend to be moved by kitschy moments wrapped up by NBC in nationalistic flags and accompanied by patriotic and/or manipulative emo tunes?

Sure, the Olympics distract us from the real world, which is distressingly crummy right about now and beg for distractions, but isn't now a time when we need to be paying extra-special attention to the real world so as not to get further gouged by the forces that gouged us earlier while we were off ignoring the real world and diverting our attentions to lesser distractions? Do we really need to have our hearts won by a diminutive gymnast from Kenya when our homes are facing foreclosure? Do we really have to worry about Team USA's basketball fortunes when our nation's news media is offering its usual misdirection, assiduously and histrionically dissecting John McCain's ads suggesting that Barack Obama shouldn't be President precisely because everyone likes him? (OK, bad example: I'll probably watch the basketball coverage.)

Here are my main beefs with the Olympics:

1) If sporting events are the best way for us to learn about geopolitics, then maybe the whole planet has been home-schooled.

Do we really need the Olympics to engage us in the real world, to worry about what'll happen when China owns most of the U.S. in five or ten years, or to decry the country's repressive conduct in Tibet or its other human-rights violations? Wouldn't we be better people if we cared about those things and didn't need media hype to cajole us to fake concern about such issues? How much of this will we retain? Except for the 1972 Munich tragedy, I don't remember anything of note about any other Olympics, and particularly not anything about the opening and closing ceremonies. As for the notion that the Olympics promote peace and goodwill among the nations, how's that working out for you?

In the next week, there'll be somewhere between 20 and 50 hours of Chinalympic documentaries on the sundry networks. And some of them - such as BBC America's documentary (10 p.m. Sunday) on a South African double-amputee with prosthetic legs who challenged his ban to compete in the Olympics or Sundance Channel's multi-part look at the largest restaurant in the world (9 p.m. Monday) - under ordinary circumstances, I might find fascinating. But, coming as they do under a veil of hype for impending Olympic coverage, they feel cynical and vulgar, not fresh and original. Turner Classic Movies will no doubt be running "Chariots of Fire" 24/7.

2) There are sports that Americans are just no damn good at, and there are sports that Americans just don't damn care about, and no, the two aren't mutually exclusive.

There's a reason that Olympics telecasts focus on the athlete whose mother was killed by an untimely and errant weather balloon but s/he rallied from that tragedy to become the best there is at equestrian dressage or rhythmic gymnastics or synchronized swimming: Those sports are boring, and the only way to sex them up or at least make you think you care is to manufacture the sort of faux conflict/aspirational effluvium that pretty much every lame reality show on TV has mastered at this point.

If Olympic coverage is merely a spiritual cousin to "The Biggest Loser" or "So You Think You Can Dance" or "Flavor of Love," why is it allowed such a vast international forum?

3) All the other networks fold during the Olympics; no one tries to engage the rest of us.

Well, "Mad Men" will be on. "Eureka" will be on. "Saving Grace" and "The Closer" won't go into reruns. "Reality Bites" will continue apace. "Greatest American Dog" won't go away, though if "Big Brother" does, no great loss.

At this point, even a Fox marathon of all-new episodes of "Moment of Truth" would be welcome.

We haven't discussed some aspect of "Mad Men" in, like, four or five posts now, but we'll make this one quick: AMC.com is offering the entire NBC special on Jackie O's White House tour that all the characters on Sunday's premiere episode were watching. (That, too, is more of the show's verisimilitude - three in four viewers watching TV that night tuned in for the special.) So go watch it if you're interested.

I invite you to visit the Daily News' music blog, whatever it's called, and enjoy (or not enjoy, your choice) my offering about meeting an inspired eccentric named Tim Fite who comes off in concert as a foul-mouthed children's-show host who's equally deft at Randy Newman Americana and angry hip-hop lyricism. As an added incentive, I offer this iPhone photo of a monster Fite crafted out of modeling clay at a pre-performance pizza party that he hosted...

... with a bonus factoid I don't include in the music blog story: Its tongue was originally crafted by his onstage partner, "Dr. Leisure," as ladyparts for the creature, until a publicist for his label found that too gross and begged him to repurpose it.

During said discussion, Fite betrayed an amusingly unhealthy amount of knowledge about women relieving themselves without the aid of traditional toilets. And yet, he's such a clean-cut looking man.

(With these two blogs, I've gone all M.C. Escher and created a Möbius Strip of links, for which my editors should give me some sort of bonus, since it's all about individual hits on websites these days.)

"Lewis Black's The Root of All Evil" returns for a second season Wednesday with a steel-cage match of the intellects: Andrew Daly and Patton Oswalt dueling over which is the greatest insult to mankind, Ultimate Fighting or Bloggers.

"Ultimate fighting is nothing more than cockfighting with human as cocks," Daly argues. "We are watching post-apocalyptic entertainment without the benefit of having had an apocalypse." He then decries the fact that children follow Ultimate Fighters, showing a touching little film in which a dying Make-a-Wish kid asks an Ultimate Fighter to choke his opponent that evening with his own intestines.

Oswalt responds that the blather emanating from bloggers' brain leakage is more ill-considered than poo-flinging: "At least poo-flingers take into account wind velocity, aim and poo density," he harrumphs, and then he presents his own short film, in which blog commenters of 1776 are invited to comment on the Declaration of Independence. Sample comment: "Want some wig with your powder Jefferson, you Gaylord!"

You can guess who wins, or you can watch and find out. Future powerhouse debates this season include Disney vs. Scientology, steroids vs. boob jobs and strip clubs vs. sororities, genuine quandaries all.

- "Lewis Black's Root of All Evil:" 10:30 p.m. Wednesday, Comedy Central.

(Again, a re-posting of a lost entry thanks to our blog server's nervous breakdown earlier today.)

Fans Who Celebrate Quality TV may want to sit out this year's Emmy Awards ceremony: They've announced that yet again, they won't have a comic hosting, but instead, the nominees in the category of Best Host for a Reality or Game Show.

Which means that Ryan Seacrest ("American Idol"), who hos(t)ed last year, will be back, alongside "Survivor's" Jeff Probst, "Dancing with the Stars"' Tom Bergeron, "Deal or No Deal's" Howie Mandel and "Project Runway's" Heidi Klum. Honestly - just because you're on TV, must you be eligible for an Emmy?

(We picked this tasteful photo of Heidi Klum to illustrate this entry because it seemed like an elegant way to dignify the excellence that the Emmy Awards embody and also it serves as a cautionary warning that even supermodels can select ugly footwear.)

"It just seemed like the perfect way to stay current with the state of television today," explains Emmy ceremony executive producer Ken Ehrlich of the hosting decision. Well, you could've done that by letting a lump of Ben Silverman excrement host, too, but I'm sure we all agree that's not such a great idea, either. I'm certain that all the actors worried about their futures will will enjoy watching hosts of the sort of cheap-to-produce programming that's threatening their livelihoods helming a show honoring the best of Television.

In 2003, the Emmys pulled a similar multiple-host stunt, with 11 comics including Conan O'Brien, Ellen DeGeneres and George Lopez; it didn't go over so well. DeGeneres or O'Brien alone, however, gangbusters.

While we're on the subject, here's something I never found an opportunity to post here: This is the cover of a large volume in which NBC/Universal shipped their Emmy screeners to Academy voters (inside were actual campaign buttons, which I have yet to see an actual human being wearing, though I'm sure they're selling like hotcakes at eBay):

I particularly like the against-all-odds optimism NBC put into touting such duds as "Bionic Woman," "Las Vegas," "Lipstick Jungle" and that crappy "Knight Rider" movie. As Journey once sang, "Don't Stop Believing." Of course, the last time we heard that in public, everything went black and an era ended.

"Eureka," Sci Fi's cheeky action comedy about a secret town filled with geniuses who create gadgets and defense weapons for the government, returns for a truncated, eight-episode season three tonight, with a character that portends dire things: The Fixer (Frances Fisher), the author of "The Art of War: The Guide to Global Downsizing," is coming to Global Dynamics to make it run as efficiently as any for-profit corporation (but have you looked at the state of our banks lately?).

One could read this, if one were a myopic employee at a print newspaper, as a metaphor for corporate greed stomping hard upon ephemeral ideas - there are certain businesses you just shouldn't get into if all you're interested in is making money. The Fixer has just about everyone at Global Dynamics and in Eureka in general worried over whether they'll have a job when she's done with her assignment. She's even targeted Jack Carter (Colin Ferguson), who can hardly be blamed for going over budget when he's routinely saving the entire universe from getting fragged by an errant Global Dynamics gizmo. She blames Carter for everything, kvetching, "This town is out of control."

And anyway, Carter's got enough bad news to process, as his arch enemy Stark (Ed Quinn) has asked Allison (Salli Richardson-Whitford), whom he's not-so-secretly sweet on, to remarry him.

So anyway, the first thing The Fixer witnesses is The Viper, Global Dynamics' heretofore highly successful missile defense system, get its ass handed to it by Martha, a predator drone with rapidly evolving artificial intelligence, who sets the whole town into a panic. Yes, the town is out of control, but that's Jack's fault because...? Jack almost manages to capture Martha, but when his efforts prove in vain, he laments, "We so don't rule."

"Eureka" remains the same sort of frothy fun that it has been since its inception. You kind of wish it had a bigger audience so that it wouldn't be tagged with the indignity of a measly eight-episode season, but that's what happens when the world is run by the bean-counters and the geniuses are merely expendable payroll.

Oh, and do I even have to mention it? - The Fixer has a secret that's probably pretty sinister.

- "Eureka:" 9 tonight, Sci Fi Channel.

(This is a reposting of an earlier entry that our blog server thoughtfully eradicated. Enjoy anew.)

Frank O'Hara's "Meditations in an Emergency" is now officially out of stock at Amazon.com, No. 268 in overall sales and No. 1 in three different poetry categories. I told Matthew Weiner he should've given Amazon.com a heads-up that he was using it on "Mad Men."

A more eccentric-than-usual episode of "Saving Grace" tonight begins with an attention-grabber: Grace (Holly Hunter) and Ham (Kenneth Johnson) are getting busy in the bathroom stall in the dive bar frequented by the Oklahoma City Police Department - which, let's just say, isn't exactly the most sanitary or romantic trysting committed to film - and while they're playing Tab-A-into-Slot-B, just outside their stall, a roundly disliked civilian employee of the police department is killed, his throat slashed.

(Oh, and don't forget - this is the show with that angel. He no doubt got his wings dirty for simply agreeing to appear in this episode. )

(Even this would be a more appropriate place for a furtive tryst than a grungy bathroom stall.)

Needless to say, having one of their own murdered in their favorite bar and no one able to ID the killer (even though one of them was videotaping the evening) is not OCPD's finest moment. So Grace and Ham's boss Kate (Lorraine Toussaint) is hacked off, and it's off to yet another Internal Affairs investigation with Grace. As Grace and Ham watch a particularly mortifying moment on the videotape, they laugh uncontrollably, and, laughed out, Grace says, "We are so screwed."

Amy Madigan has a very funny turn guest-starring as the dead guy's widow. When she goes to see the body at the morgue, she brings a wave machine (which her husband liked) and sings "Venus," albeit not too well. She laments that she could never get a dog because he was allergic. And so on.

In all, good times. But enough with Grace's odd dreams about Earl (Leon Rippy) and Leon (Bokeem Woodbine), already - it kind of feels like the writers haven't really figured out where to go with that particular storyline so they're just spinning their wheels, but still making sure Rippy and Woodbine draw paychecks.

- "Saving Grace:" 10 tonight, TNT.

Tonight's episode of "The Closer" is a little rougher and darker than the show tends to be. Brenda (Kyra Sedgwick) is investigating the apparent suicide of a 16-year-old girl when she discovers that a week earlier, the girl had accused her boyfriend of raping her - and, complicating matters, the guy is the son of a hard-ass sheriff (Daniel Baldwin in a guest role), which had the cops investigating the rape tiptoe gingerly in their investigation. The show's writers don't, however, tiptoe gingerly around the description of the assault.

Baldwin's character doesn't ingratiate himself to Brenda when he snarls at her, "You're every bit the bitch I heard you were." He also gets to say the B.S. word, which I don't recall hearing on "The Closer" before ("Saving Grace," sure, but up to this point "The Closer" tended to be a little more squeaky-clean.)

(Kyra Sedgwick exultantly locates the murder weapon.)

The story gets grimmer, and more lurid, as Brenda's colleagues arrest the kid's friends for aiding and abetting a felony. Brenda even poses as a public defender to question one of them, telling him, "You cannot trust the police; they lie about everything," by way of eliciting information from him.

"Can she do this?" one cop asks. The question was on my mind, as well.

Anyway, it goes without saying she lures the sheriff and his son into a neat little trap, like a black widow, in an episode that is bleakly effective. But remember back when "The Closer" had jokes?

- "The Closer:" 9 tonight, TNT.

Here's the trailer for the upcoming Oliver Stone George W. Bush biopic "W.," which looks even worse than previous reports suggested, and those were pretty awful:

"If I remember correctly, you didn't like the sporting goods job," Papa Bush tells Little Bush. "Working in the investment firm wasn't for you either. Or the oil rig job. You didn't exactly finish up with flying colors in the Air National Guard, junior ... What are you cut out for?" Well, we found out, didn't we?

If you want to impeach the guy, go ahead, but this? This sort of thing shouldn't happen to anyone. I'm surprised Stone didn't cast Seth Rogen as W.

So have you gone to Amazon.com and ordered your copy of Frank O'Hara's "Meditations in an Emergency" yet? If not, good luck, they were out before last night's episode of "Mad Men" even aired.

What does one have to do with the other? Last night's episode of "Mad Men," written by series creator Matthew Weiner, ended with a deeply ruminative moment in which Don Draper (Jon Hamm) walks the book to a mailbox to send to someone - Rachel? - having scribbled on the title page that it reminded him of her, as Hamm's voice-over recites "Mayakovsky," the final poem in "Meditations in an Emergency:"

"Now I am quietly waiting for
the catastrophe of my personality
to seem beautiful again,
and interesting, and modern.

"The country is grey and
brown and white in trees,
snows and skies of laughter
always diminishing, less funny
not just darker, not just grey.

"It may be the coldest day of
the year, what does he think of
that? I mean, what do I? And if I do,
perhaps I am myself again."

If there exists a TV show that could move volumes of poetry off bookstore shelves, it's "Mad Men." "I would love to see that book on 'According to Jim,' actually," Hamm told me in his patented droll fashion.

If you can't wait for the original, a new collection of the poems of O'Hara (who died in 1966), "Selected Poems," was released this year. Hamm recalls seeing the book featured on the front page of the New York Times Book Review last month.

"I texted Matt - 'Really?' We shot this months ago, and there's no way (Weiner could've known an O'Hara renaissance was in the making). It's all in his head. It's truly a bizarre set of circumstances."

Hamm explained why this sequence was so haunting: "Poetry says a lot in a very little space, very enigmatically, and that's a good description of Don. He's very enigmatic; he doesn't say a lot, but he gets a lot across. That's why that particular poet resonates with Don - he speaks to something personal in him that he wants to share. He doesn't have the capacity, perhaps, to articulate it, but he wants to share it, and as the season goes on, you'll see more of that need to be understood. And that's what Don is seeking, is meaning, and an understanding of life."

For his part, Weiner says the new anthology is a complete coincidence and that he secured permission to use the poem from O'Hara's sister, who told him, "She loved the show and she thought (Frank) would, too."

Weiner'd be happy to boost O'Hara's sales. "I hope so; it's so contemporary. He's a great writer - I studied poetry in college but just discovered him about four years ago. That poem is, that whole image of it, is so related to the show.

"Something is different about Don, from the first frame of that episode, and all he's expressing by the end is that he knows something is different. He wants to feel the catastrophe of his personality. And there's nobody out there who has any sort of consciousness at all who doesn't feel like, I don't feel like myself. And that's a big part of the show, and that's a hard thing to dramatize."

I mentioned to Weiner that in doing some online research (and if it's online, it's gotta be true), I found somewhere that the book's title was an early 20th-century phrase that referred to ejaculation.

"I didn't know that," Weiner said, "but the book is about, in places, impotence. And it's definitely about feeling apart from yourself. So the fact that it goes back to masturbation, well, that's just poets for you."

(What other TV blog would deconstruct a premier poet of the 20th century and still go to the trouble of working in a reference to masturbation? That's just how classy we are around these parts.)

Blake Lively has been subjected to an endless battery of interviews today during the junket for her upcoming movie "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2," so in the fog of fielding so many queries, she's entitled to a mix-up now and again. She did, however, when chatting with me, catch herself immediately.

Asked to compare and contrast "Sisterhood" and her TV series, "Gossip Girl," Lively said, "The biggest difference between 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants' and 'Gossip Girl' is, 'Gossip Girl' is very real" - and she paused, and laughed. "No, what am I saying?

"'Sisterhood' is very real, it focuses on issues that people do deal with; all four (characters) have things they have to cope with, unfortunately, but they get through with one another's help. It's women supporting other women. Not everything ends up perfect, but they're surrounded by people who help them. 'Gossip Girl is heightened reality. It's sparkling - there are outfits we wear in a short scene on the street that cost $50,000. It's eye candy, it's entertainment, it's gossip. People love to generate rumors, that's what it is. It may not be true, but it's entertaining. But it's nice to tell a story that's more true to to life (like 'Sisterhood'). It's a good balance to play."

In the upcoming story, read how a moped pileup ruined a working vacation in Greece for Lively and her co-stars: "It was kind of Jason Bourne-like," she laughed. "I was on crutches the entire time, which took away from the excitement of walking up those beautiful cobblestones."

Our friends at LA.com continue to forget/neglect to run features stories generated by the Daily News entertainment staff, ensuring that our online presence is - uh, what's a diplomatic word - compromised. And so, we herewith thoughtfully provide today's "Mad Men" stories that got lost in LA.Com's cyberfog (to be fair, they did deign to post the review):

No TV series reflected the Zeitgeist this past year as thoroughly and ingeniously as AMC's drama "Mad Men" - no mean feat, as it takes place in the early 1960s. But its reflection and wry commentary on that era and how it got us where we are today clicked with viewers and made it the most-buzzed-about show since - well, "The Sopranos," the last show "Mad Men" creator Matthew Weiner worked on.

For season two, "Mad Men" jumps from Thanksgiving 1960 to begin on Valentines Day 1962, a year Weiner calls "the most idealized of that period, which I'm trying to deconstruct. In our culture, there's 'American Graffiti,' 'Hairspray,' 'Animal House' - all of those are set in 1962. So I sort of wanted to live there, and it's not a particularly interesting time politically, but otherwise the whole thing is there."

For its efforts, the show has been rewarded with a Peabody Award, two Golden Globes and 16 Emmy nominations, the most of any drama series this year. It was also, with "Damages," the first show on basic cable to receive an Emmy nod in the best drama series category.

"Mad Men" examines the lives of those who toil at Sterling Cooper, a Manhattan advertising agency. Initially, what got discussed most about the show was the bad behavior of the characters - the incessant cigarette smoking, the casual and ubiquitous sexism, the inherent assumption that white men ruled the world. But, given the advertising milieu, what truly resonated throughout the first season was the notion of artifice, particularly in the way the characters presented themselves to the world while inside ossifying from uncertainty, bewilderment, and a yearning for meaning in their lives.

"There's nobody out there who has any sort of consciousness at all who doesn't at some time feel like, 'I don't feel like myself,'" says Weiner. "And that's a big part of the show, and that's a hard thing to dramatize."

No characters epitomize this like Don Draper (Golden Globe-winner and Emmy nominee Jon Hamm), Sterling Cooper's hot-shot idea man, and Peggy (Elisabeth Moss), a former secretary who begins season two as a promising young copywriter, the only woman in a wolfish boys club. Last season, viewers learned that Don came from hardscrabble origins and assumed another man's identity to get ahead and that Peggy became pregnant after a furtive tryst with a weasly co-worker, Pete (Vincent Kartheiser). Both strive to keep their messy personal stories secrets at Sterling Cooper.

"It takes a lot of physical and mental and psychic effort to do that," Hamm says of his character. "And as we'll see, that takes its toll. You can only hide so much so long - you can only keep so many plates spinning before they all come crashing down.

"But a big part of the dramatic momentum of this show is, how does this guy do it?" Hamm continues. "Will he figure it out, and will he start pulling plates and putting them down? Will he ever get to a place in his life where he can accept who he is and what he wants and what will make him happy?"

Weiner says that as the new season begins, "Something is different about Don, from the first frame of that (first) episode, and all he's expressing by the end is that he knows something is different. He wants to feel the catastrophe of his personality."

As for Peggy, Moss notes, "The main issue she's dealing with this season is, she's figuring out what she should do. Should she be one of the boys? Or should she be a woman, and what does it mean to be a woman in the workplace? She's a pioneer; there's no one to look up to, there's no plan to follow. So everything she does is the first time in that office. And she's majorly dealing with the issue of who she has to be. And that's looked at down the road, and it definitely gets more intense."

When the first season ended, Peggy had given birth, but then rejected her baby. "The main thing is it could not have come at a worse time for her, and she needs to continue what she's doing and if it takes compartmentalizing her emotions, that's what it takes," Moss says. "I don't think she thinks she's done anything wrong, and in the second season we're going to get into other people's feelings about what she's done."

"She's in a merit-based world in her mind," Weiner adds, "and everything that doesn't jibe with that, she ignores. So when ... Don tells her to go out and celebrate, she goes home; that's all she has - that's what I'm dealing with. This woman is a very intense, very complicated, very intelligent person. She has great ideas that they use even though they're coming from her - the guys say, 'It's like watching a dog playing a piano.' She has a great future if she doesn't get in her own way."

And in season two, Don and Peggy become allies.

"Don's history with women is complicated, but the women that Don's attracted to are women who are, in some ways, independent and have their own sort of thing going on," Hamm reveals. "And Peggy, for such a young person, has a lot of that sort of essence that is appealing to Don. He's not sexually attracted to her, but I think he sees in Peggy a lot of what he admires in a coworker and a colleague and in a person to be trusted. So it's fairly high praise from someone like Don who doesn't dole it out very liberally."

Moss agrees: "It's not at all a sexual attraction; it's a mutual respect. She looks up to him so much and wants his respect more than anyone else's, probably only his. She actually cares about what he thinks, because she knows how good he is. Peggy and Don have two things in common: One, they don't have any ulterior motives. They're not trying to get something out of the other one, or are trying to get ahead by using the other one. And they both have a big secret that they're hiding and they don't bring it into the office; they're there to work, and they see that in one another, and it builds a bond between them."

Whatever happens this season - and Weiner is a guy who admits to being a "control freak" and hates it when plot spoilers get revealed (he begged us not to mention something in the first episode that didn't seem all that big a deal) - Hamm has such trust in his boss that he'll follow him anywhere.

"He had mentioned a lot of [plot points], but I tend to take a lot things he mentions with a grain of salt, and realize that he'll say one thing, and the way it will appear will be completely opposite from the way I imagined it," Hamm says. "I basically told him, 'Write it and I will try to do it.' It's worked out pretty great for us so far.

"He plays everything pretty close to the vest anyway, and I work better that way, I don't like to know what's coming down the road. I'm not a guy who sneaks into the writers' room and looks at the (plotline) cards. He's so good at what he does - every episode is this little fun story, and it's like a serialized novel. You can't wait to get to the next chapter."

*

And here's a sidebar story on how the advertising is created for the show:

An underappreciated aspect of "Mad Men's" genius is its verisimilitude in depicting the process of creating advertising campaigns, both inspired and somewhat hackneyed. Series creator Matthew Weiner couldn't hide his delight at having met Stan Freberg - a humorist and legendary adman of the '50s and '60s - and reporting, "Stan Freberg thinks the show is accurate and fun - that's a big pat on the back."

For the show, Weiner meets with advertising consultants when constructing his fictitious ad campaigns.

"It turns out that I'm pretty good at it, they've told me," he says. "That's because I'm working backwards - I do the ads to tell the story, so to me, it's about finding something that's thematically related to it and yet not hitting you over the head."

Two of the memorable campaigns from season one were Don Draper's (Jon Hamm) elegiac pitch for the Kodak Carousel slide projector and Peggy Olsen's (Elisabeth Moss) ingeniously veiled sell of the "Relax-icizer," a fly-by-night vibrating exercise device which, she discovered, had a more visceral use, as a sexual stimulator.

"In any other show, every campaign would be like the Carousel - this tremendous, he-knocked-it-out-of-the-park kind of thing," Hamm notes. "But a lot of them are for [b.s.] little things, too - the [friggin'] exercise belt, Secor laxatives, Right Guard. That's a lot of this game, too - [b.s.] products that you don't want to have to sell, but they still need a campaign. I'm fascinated by that.

"I'm particularly drawn to the Liberty Mutual executive private accounts - it's just Don saying, 'I don't want my wife looking where I spend my money,'" Hamm adds. "It's that kind of stuff that's fun to watch. Or Lucky Strike, where they find a new way to spin cancer."

"I'm proud of things on the show that have a verisimilitude to the creative process," Weiner says. "So the Relax-icizer, the weight-loss belt, it's all made up, it starts out being called the P.E.R. - the Personal Exercise Regime. Then it's called the Electricizer, then the Rejuvenator, then it's called the Relax-icizer. It tells us about the business they're in, but it's a chance for me to show that process."

Don's Carousel pitch - he's instructed to trumpet the gadget's high-tech component, but opts instead to celebrate its nostalgic function of helping consumers recall happier times - ended "Mad Men's" first season on a resonant note, and remains Weiner's favorite faux campaign.

"That was about the philosophy of how to sell the product and also about what was going on with Don," Weiner says. "So there's a taller order for me.

"I kept writing responses for the end of that scene, and just kept thinking, no," he recalls. "If you write a movie about stand-up comedy or ballet or art, you have to have a reaction shot from an audience to convince viewers that it really was good. But I just love that Don [dismissively] said [to the Kodak executives], 'Good luck at your next meeting.' He knew that that was a great pitch."

- "Mad Men:" 10 tonight; AMC.

Andrew Klaven has the best drugs on the planet. Yesterday in the Wall Street Journal, he actually allowed his byline to be placed atop an essay that contained this sentence: "There seems to me no question that the Batman film 'The Dark Knight,' currently breaking every box office record in history, is at some level a paean of praise to the fortitude and moral courage that has been shown by George W. Bush in this time of terror and war."

No question. As a commenter at Wonkette.com noted, "I remember when Batman told everyone to go shopping and to fly more to fight the Joker. Also, when he gave up golf for a few weeks. That was so brave to do, in this time of terror and war."

Oh, and you were supposed to be disturbed at the lengths the Batman went to, Mr. Klaven. Remember how Morgan Freeman as the Morgan Freeman character was appalled when Batman went too far? And if "The Dark Knight" is a metaphor for the Bush Administration, then what does "Space Chimps" comment on?

Anyway, turns out Bush and Batman do have a lot in common, according to this video:

The Mad-Libs© suicide note!

Dear ________ (name of someone in the room and/or television personality),

I have decided to _______ (verb) my life. The reasons are _______ (adjective) and ________ (adjective). As you know, I recently ________ (past-tense verb) my ________ (noun), which has ________ (past-tense verb) me and my ________ (noun). It just seems that ________ (noun) isn't worth ________ (gerund).

In the past, I _______ (past-tense verb) with ease and _______ (noun). But lately, it feels like _______ (noun) has become more ________ (adjective), and it's become increasingly _______ (adjective) to _______ (verb).

_______ (adverb), I have been greatly _______ (past-tense verb) by the actions of the _______ (name of current U.S. President) Administration in the name of myself and all Americans. Rather than follow this _______ (noun) down a _______ (adjective) _______ (noun), it seems more honorable to _______ (verb) as a pre-emptive _______ (noun) as to how history will _______ (verb) _______ (noun).

I hope you _______ (verb) my ________ (noun), and that you won't think too ________ (adverb) on my _______ (noun). I ________ (verb) you, and pray that you don't ________ ________ _______ (unthinkably obscene gesture). Because _______ ________ ________ _______ (really demented turn of phrase). Plus, I _______ (past-tense verb) _______ (name of local neighborhood hobo).

________ (adverb),

________ (name of person in the room and/or television personality)

I saved my dumbest question for last when interviewing Elisabeth Moss: I asked her about the goofy bangs she's forced to wear as Peggy, Sterling Cooper's growing-less-innocent-by-the-episode junior copywriter on "Mad Men."

"I've had such a journey with those things," she laughs. "I didn't like them at first, at all. And Matt [Weiner, series creator] insisted. And then I realized he was correct - they give her a youth and innocence that's very good.

"I slowly grew to detest them, absolutely hate them. And now I've slowly come back around to think that they're so perfect for Peggy. They make her so individual, and I actually don't mind them anymore - I can't believe I'm even saying that."

There may come a time, I suggested, when she won't have to wear them anymore because she won't need them to symbolize her innocence. "Perhaps not," she mused, then brightened. "Yay!"

(Again, the full story comes Sunday, when "Mad Men" returns on AMC.)

Jon Hamm, "Mad Men's" Don Draper, was recently sitting at a table at the Beverly Hilton's restaurant with me, fascinated with his cola. The wait staff had done the paper-on-the-straw thing ass-backwards - the top of the straw was exposed; the wrapper was on the part of the straw in the drink and rapidly disintegrating into pulp.

Hamm didn't complain; he didn't even send the drink back for another one even though he was being charged a couple of bucks for 3 cents worth of beverage. Instead, he seemed sort of amused, like he was on a little fishing expedition, using his straw to retrieve the soggy, shredded paper and depositing it on his bread plate. He marveled at how much of it there was - "How many straws are in this thing?" he pondered, fishing out some more wet paper. "I think I got most of it. The rest will be duly ingested."

Toying with his drink may have been more interesting than fielding my questions, I suppose. (The full story will appear in Sunday's Daily News and, depending on how adventurous the folks at LA.com are feeling, maybe even there, too.)

Hamm compared/contrasted working on "Mad Men" to just about every other project he had worked on. "You hope to think that everything you do is going to be above average, and a lot of the stuff is out of your control - there are many cooks who come together to create a show," he said. "The difference with this, I guess, was that from the pilot script and then talking to Matthew, I had a sense that that this skews much more closely to what I personally find exciting and this happens to be shared with everyone down the line.

"Everybody's on the same page, and it's that kind of perfect storm that rarely if ever happens, because of the nature of the business. There are just too many people who have to have an opinion. We were very fortunate that AMC doesn't have four levels of bureaucracy that develops television shows that everyone has to sign off on, where everyone has to have a note and not having a note means you're not paying attention - it doesn't mean that you like it; it means that you're expendable, basically. It's been very lucky so far."

When the interview was over, Hamm stood and, with a generosity rare in successful Hollywood types, pointed to the pile of wet tissue and drolly said, "You can have that - take as much as you want."

- "Mad Men" returns for its second season Sunday at 10 p.m. on AMC.

Oh, there has been much hand-wringing over the fact that a few TV channels, such as Fox 5 News in Las Vegas, have been employing product placement in their morning newscasts in the form of fake McDonalds iced coffees set before the anchors. (The best part of the arrangement was that if they had to do a story on McDonalds' food killing great numbers of consumers, they'd have to sweep the McDonalds cups from the set.) Said practice taints the integrity and sanctity of delivering the news, critics kvetch; it's downright unethical.

Yeah, and...?

Local news does plenty of awful things, so this is just another transgression down a slippery slope where everyone has already lost traction anyway. I was listening to NPR last week and they did a little nothing-burger of a story about McDonalds and neglected to mention that in 2003 Joan Kroc bequeathed NPR with a $200-million endowment.

Besides, why just morning shows? Local TV news shows are missing a good bet by not inserting advertising into all sorts of reporting. For example, police chases:

CHOPPER PILOT: As you can see, the police are keeping a safe distance from the driver in the stolen vehicle. This is a textbook pursuit from law-enforcement's perspective.

MALE ANCHOR BACK IN THE STUDIO: Indeed, Chet, but what about the driver? Did he select the right car to evade the police? Wouldn't he be better off behind the wheel of a 2008 Ford Mustang Bullitt?

FEMALE ANCHOR BACK IN THE STUDIO: Or, if he's worried that this chase may last for a while, should he have selected a car that gets good gas mileage, like the Toyota Prius?

CHOPPER PILOT: Excellent questions, Bret and Daphne. But watching the driver burn rubber the way he is, he better hope that he has a set of Michelin tires on his ride, because he's going to need a set of safe and reliable tires that grip the road with the police in such hot pursuit.

Or, how about serendipitous placement of reporters doing live remotes:

FIELD REPORTER: Karen, residents of the sleepy neighborhood of Vista de Nada were shaken to awaken this morning to the loud reports of several semi-automatic weapons that left three alleged gang members dead.

FEMALE ANCHOR BACK IN THE STUDIO: Trish, are you at the scene of the shootings?

FIELD REPORTER: No, those happened several blocks away and it's all cordoned off by police. I'm here at Gelson's, which is recognized as one of the nation's premiere supermarket chains. Their produce is the freshest you can find anywhere, and at prices that are competitive with anyone!

Even political stories could benefit from this type of coverage:

CORRESPONDENT: Brian, the President today assured Americans that even though Blackwater contractors are operating outside of military laws in Iraq, that was no reason to fear a culture of lawlessness any greater than that anywhere else within the Administration.

ANCHOR: David, what brand of suit was the President wearing when he issued his statements?

CORRESPONDENT: Brian, the President buys off the rack at Barney's. But Blackwater chairman and CEO Erik Prince stood alongside the President looking smart in a tailored suit from Dolce & Gabbana's spring 2009 collection, and of special note was his watch, a shimmering new Rolex Oyster Perpetual Cosmograph Daytona.

ANCHOR: That's David Gregory at the Pentagon. Thanks, David, for the report.

Note: This is a parody video. It just looks and feels more real than actual newscasts.

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

Morgan Spurlock may have gone a bit too far in trying to promote understanding with this one. But they should definitely incorporate this into a storyline on HBO's upcoming series "True Blood."

"I like to watch the old guys rearrange themselves when they come out of the water." (Hey, she said it, not me.)

In her 60s, Estelle Getty played the 80-something Sophia Petrillo on the iconic sitcom "The Golden Girls" (she almost didn't get the part because producers didn't think she looked old enough -- imagine a TV show having that problem today). Getty died today at age 84.

Lifetime will pay tribute to her on Friday with a "Golden Girls" marathon from noon to five p.m. The final episode of the marathon, airing at 4:30 p.m., will be the favorite Sophia-centric episode as voted for by fans at MyLifetime.com. (The poll doesn't seem to be up and running yet, but I have been assured it will be activated soonish.)

TV Press Tour is all but over. One of its most endearing traits is the predilection of certain reporters in the room to bang incessantly on one piano key, to ask questions that pursue their one interest or agenda. To that end, the writer from the sci-fi website corners the market on all the geeky questions, a gay blogger repeatedly queries why there aren't more gay characters on TV and someone on the God beat asks producers (usually of shows involving lots of science, or "science") how spiritualism figures in on their program. And, no Press Tour is complete without some yokel asking a bit player from their hometown if they have anything they'd like to say to the people of Scranton.

These folks have to do their jobs just like everyone else, but it never occurs to them to pose their questions during the post-session scrums, since the rest of those covering TeeVee in all its glory can't possibly use the quotes resulting from such specific questions in their stories.

Of course, I should talk. Your Mayor suffers from a herniated disk and, since there are no such things as ergonomic chairs at upscale hotels that host events like Press Tour, I am forced to wear a back brace for the duration. Needless to say, it's not much of a fashion statement - it looks like a cummerbund in search of a tuxedo (one colleague told me I looked like a matador; if only it looked that swashbuckling). For me, Press Tour is literally a pain in the ass.

(It even looks painful!)

Hence, in the midst of blinding, excruciating pain, I have become an advocate for the rights of spinal injury sufferers everywhere, and that has been reflected in the questions I posed in sessions this past Press Tour:

At the Hallmark Channel's press conference for "Expecting a Miracle:" "Does the miracle involve relieving someone of back pain? If so, I might watch it."

BBC America's "World News America:" "Is back pain a global phenomenon?"

MTV's "From G's to Gents:" "While the contestants are cleaning up their gangsta lifestyles, do they also manage to alleviate any back pain they might be suffering?"

History Channel's "Einstein:" "Did Einstein suffer from back pain? How did he treat it?"

Discover Channel's "Secrets of the Dinosaur Mummy:" "How would a dinosaur mummy treat a herniated disk in the L-4, L-5 region?"

Lifetime's "How to Look Good Naked:" "Is it possible to look good naked if you suffer from back pain?"

PBS's documentary on "The Chicago 10:" "Would the Chicago 10 have been able to be as effective in their protests had they suffered from spinal injuries?"

Fox's "So You Think You Can Dance:" "Can one dance if one suffers from debilitating back pain?"

Disney Channel's "The Cheetah Girls: One World:" "Do the Cheetah Girls have any special powers, like, say, the ability to alleviate spinal injuries?"

CBS's "The Mentalist:" "How does the Mentalist tell when people have back pain?"

NBC's executive session: "Why don't you do more shows about people who suffer from herniated disks? Have you conducted any research that shows you how many people would watch shows like that?"

Ladies and Gentlemen: Herewith, the First TV-related blog entry illustrated only with medical diagrams. Thank you for being part of history.

Much as Jimmy Kimmel portrayed a reporter during ABC Entertainment president Stephen McPherson's TV Press Tour session, Leno interrupted the press conference for NBC co-chairmen Ben Silverman and Marc Graboff with some questions of his own.

Leno, sitting in the back of the room, put some effort in selling his performance. He was sporting a bald wig and fake goatee, and scribbled notes, taking down Graboff and Silverman's replies. His sundry queries: "Is there any truth to the rumor that you're offering Jay a fifth hour of the 'Today' show?" "Will Jay still be paid through the end of the year?" and "I know you're bringing back 'Knight Rider.' Is there any chance of 'Manimal' coming back?"

Silverman exposed the ruse, and tipped his hat to Leno, declaring him "a class act." "Yeah, OK," Leno (mock-)grumbled on his way out of the press conference.

Leno did manage to elicit some real news, though: His final "Tonight Show" will air May 29, 2009; Conan O'Brien's debut will be the following Monday, June 1, 2009.

Probably the most promising new show on CBS's schedule is "The Mentalist," starring Simon Baker as a detective with acute observational skills who once posed as a TV psychic. Could be that the third time's the charm for the Australian-born Baker, who previously starred on CBS in "The Guardian," which limped along for three seasons, and the short-lived "Smith." After all, it's in a very safe timeslot on Tuesdays, sandwiched between hits "NCIS" and "Without a Trace."

"The Mentalist" was created by Bruno Heller (HBO's "Rome") Heller, who during the show's TV Press Tour session stopped short of calling b.s. on psychics.

"No one can say one way or another what's true," he says. "But what's fascinating to me about that world is that the skills that they use to pretend to be psychic are more extraordinary than what they're faking. To be that observant is more impressive than talking to ghosts to me.

"You can't be a half-assed mentalist," he continues. "You have to be very good at it or you can't do it at all. You need a prodigious memory, which taps into a lot of the things they do."

"It's very heady stuff," agrees Baker. "I consider myself reasonably observant, but what these guys get into and the skills they have and the ability to remember things and move forward, it's way beyond me."

Baker stars as Patrick Jane, whose wickedly droll sense of humor belies his tragic past. (In that respect, Jane's pretty much like James Roday's character in "Psych," except for that tragic-past bit.) "The deliciously attractive part of this role was the humor and the sense of mischief of the character," Baker says. "I love that the character is a fraud and is aware of his fraudulent nature."

Baker accuses himself of not being able to pick movie projects very well, and attributes his appearance in the hit "The Devil Wears Prada" to his daughter.

"She read the book in, like, an hour, and came to me and said, 'The character's a bit of a d!ck, but I think you should do it,'" he recalls. When he asked why, Baker adds, she replied, "'All of my friends will see it.' And so that was pretty much that."

Oh, and the session following "The Mentalist" and its skepticism? "The Ex List," about a young woman who's told by a psychic that she has one year to find her soul mate - and thoroughly believes her.

I thought this was a fake movie poster that'd appear in a movie or TV show satirizing the listless crap oozing out of Hollywood. Astonishingly, it's not. It's playing in the eight theaters not showing "The Dark Knight" this weekend.

CBS Entertainment president Nina Tassler is a pleasant person to chat with on a personal level, but when she's in professional mode, there's no there there. Her TV Press Tour press conferences elevate blandness to an art form; they're spectacles of flavorless verbiage and numbing corporate-speak, of self-evident statements passed off as insightful, of unnecessarily evasive answers. (Would it kill her to just say that "Swingtown" won't be returning?)

Consider this: In the wake of the strike, Tassler declared, "We needed to have new content; we needed to have new programming available for our viewers this fall." Well, that would have been true regardless, as would her observation, "Given the current climate, people want to be entertained."

Or this: In response to a question about how CBS tried - and failed, pretty spectacularly - with some audacious programs last season ("Viva Laughlin," "Kid Nation") and how the network's new shows for 2008-09 represent safer fare, Tassler benignly noted, "Certainly, a couple of our shows are more within our wheelhouse, but the characters are more idiosyncratic. ... We're building shows that are inside of our wheelhouse but still expanding our brand."

No reflections on the lessons learned from last season; no acknowledgement that the shows weren't what audiences were interested in or ruminations on how a network should proceed in programming its lineup, which the question invited.

Fox's Kevin Reilly and ABC's Stephen McPherson would've accepted the lumps and acknowledged the missteps and said something newsworthy. That's why, after their press conferences, a gaggle of reporters pursue them for a post-session scrum for more of their thoughts. A mere handful of reporters sought Tassler out after her session; the others realized they weren't going to get much out of her (well, that, or they're lazy, which is always a possibility). When Les Moonves presided over CBS's executive session, reporters came away sated with his piercing analysis of the state of the industry; Tassler is assiduously unprovocative.

So, the only that really resulted from her session is a bit of an explanation of what's going to happen on "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" this season. William Petersen's leaving the show as a regular after the 10th episode of its ninth season. (He'll return occasionally, and will retain his executive-producer credit.)

"You don't replace Billy," Tassler said. "Billy's an extraordinary guy - let's not forget his roots in the theater. He's still an artist and very passionate, very committed to the show. ... He has always been very outspoken in terms of his artistic dedication to the show. It's an artist's choice to change his life right now."

A new character will be introduced, an outsider to the unit who is a doctor/scientist who won't immediately replace Petersen's Gus Grissom as the head of CSI. The character - who has not yet been cast - will have a dark secret, and that's that he shares a similar genetic profile with serial killers.

"This gentleman knows this about himself, and will go on a journey to discover who this character will become," Tassler explained. Later, she reheated that warmed-over phrase, saying the show's producers "were interested in a character that was going on a journey of self-discovery."

Tassler played down the implications of CBS's franchise show losing its star. "I predict that that show will be extremely resilient," she said. "This will be a DVR-proof season of 'CSI.'"

It's about time.

The fact that "Mad Men" and "Damages" both copped Emmy nominations in the Best Drama Series category - and, in the process, became the first basic-cable shows to earn a nomination in the most prestigious category - is significant, but equally significant is the fact that it took so long for basic-cable to break through in this category. There have long been deserving basic cable shows that never broke through to TV's highest honor - think "Rescue Me" or "Battlestar Galactica." The fact that it took mountains of critical hype and a couple of Golden Globes in AMC's "Mad Men's" case and stars of the caliber of Glenn Close and Ted Danson and an ingenious storyline in the case of FX's "Damages" doesn't so much prove that the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences has finally absorbed a cutting-edge aesthetic sensibility than that it finally quit resisting the inevitable facts on the ground: Basic cable programming can be far superior to that on the broadcast networks.

Still, give ATAS credit: It has insisted on proving its irrelevance by snubbing HBO's "The Wire," and it did so to the bitter end. Some suggested the final season of the most sophisticated and nuanced cop show in the history of television wasn't as good as its had been previously, but that's just a way of saying that the dying-newspaper storyline wasn't as accessibly compelling as previous themes of the effects of crumbling schools on our children and the betrayal of the working class. "The Wire" received one nomination, for the series finale's script, which means it received as many nominations as (and therefore must be as good as) "According to Jim" and "Deal or No Deal."

And, overall, the Academy did what it has always done best: the same old same-old. Showtime's "Dexter" joined "Mad Men" and "Damages" in the Best Drama Series category, but all the other nominees there and in Best Comedy Series are veteran nominees. ("Boston Legal" was nominated, yet again, proving it to be the beast that simply cannot be killed.) Both ABC's "Pushing Daisies" and HBO's "Flight of the Conchords" - a couple of the freshest, funniest shows currently on the air - managed to earn nominations for both writing and directing, and yet somehow got snubbed in the Comedy Series category in favor of perennially nominated shows that seem to be phoning it in ("Two and a Half Men," "Entourage"). "Pushing Daisies" did manage a couple of acting nominations, for Lee Pace and Kristin Chenoweth.

Despite the "Wire" snub, HBO again dominated, with 85 nominations, 23 alone for its miniseries "John Adams." It got 22 of the 30 possible nominations in the movie/miniseries acting, writing and directing categories. You almost wonder why anyone else bothers in those categories.

NBC's "30 Rock" led all series with 17 nominations, including seven in the guest-actor categories, which apparently means no other show on TV can cast guest-stars capably, or that "30 Rock's" stunt casting just works particularly well (and my favorite "30 Rock" guest - Matthew Broderick as the nebbishy Washington crony - didn't even get nominated). What does this show have to do to get people to watch it?

Still, perhaps this is the turning point for the Emmys. AMC won a total of 20 nominations, the most of any basic cable network, led by "Mad Men's" 16 (the most of any drama); its edgy "Breaking Bad" even managed four nominations, including Bryan Cranston for Best Actor in a Drama. FX earned a total of 11 nominations, including seven for "Damages" and a couple apiece for "Rescue Me" and "Nip/Tuck."

Now that ATAS has finally recognized what a lot of people have been saying for years - the quality shows have migrated to cable, both basic and premium - the broadcast networks find themselves in even more of a quandary. They've been sliding in the ratings in recent years, losing ever more viewers to cable, but when they've tried to develop shows as quirky and distinctive as those on cable, they've discover that the cable-sized ratings that accompany such shows don't really work for them. They've been able to find solace, such as it is, in the fact that they've still managed to dominate the major categories at the Emmys. Now, that, too, is changing.

How can the broadcast networks remain relevant with top-notch programming and still retain the levels of viewership they need to remain financially viable? Based on what we've seen of their 2008-09 schedules, they have yet to figure that out.

Since time immemorial, big-budget summer action flicks are not supposed to approach the realm of art - in fact, that's antithetical to what they're supposed to do, and is even considered something of an albatross when it comes to their box-office potential (think, for example, of how "Blade Runner" did initially). And if they're based on comic books - well, grandiose ambitions are nice, but they don't pay the bills.

And so along comes "The Dark Knight" to pulverize everything you've ever assumed about Hollywood. It's better than the goodest good you'd ever expect from a movie like this.

(Since "pod" has become a cool tech word of late, here's the Bat-Pod.)

So here's the story (more or less - oh, and hey, there's actually kind of a spoiler in here, so be warned): This Batman guy has become a sort of good news/bad news phenomenon in Gotham City - he's rid the streets of petty crime, but, on the other hand, he's inspired a new breed of steroidal villain to try their hand at wreaking havoc in town. Mainly, this comes in the form of the Joker, who has been driven utterly mad due to the fact that in the past he had been portrayed by actors happy to ham it up for cheese's sake but now he's being played by this charismatically handsome artiste who has a just unbelievably astounding range and is stealing every scene he's in without overacting but actually doing some really intensely nuanced work and so that paradox has driven him to a murderous rage matched only by his ingenious ability to have just about everyone in sight killed, and even though he's the puppet-master, the blood tends to be on somebody else's hands. Which, you know, only underscores his perversity.

And Batman's so obsessed with his mission that he hasn't even noticed that his ex-girlfriend has been replaced by an actual actress instead of a starlet, but he's still kind of conflicted about the fact that she's dating a hotshot D.A. named Harvey Dent, whose fate all the reviews seem circumspect about revealing even though if you read the comic books as a kid you know exactly what's gonna happen to him.

Oh, and Morgan Freeman plays the Morgan Freeman Character.

So, two things: The film does a heroic job of showing exactly what would happen in reality if super-heroes actually did exist, and even though I think that's kind of a stupid conceit on its face (since, after all, superheroes in fact don't exist, because there's enough Lycra in our world as it is), both this and Alan Moore's graphic novel "Watchmen" prove me definitively wrong, while I can't think of any entertainments that have really tried to explore that conceit and failed. So, there's that.

And secondly, any thoughts that Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker has been elevated to some sort of sentimental mythical status since his untimely death will end as soon as you see the movie. Put it this way: He makes Jack Nicholson look like some sort of dinner-theater hack. Though his deadpan sadism and the disturbing-yes-and-almost-poignant way he rolls his tongue restlessly about his mouth may not win him a posthumous Oscar (certainly, some film with far nobler intentions will have a well-played character who's Gandhi's best friend), if there is another performance that's as galvanizingly memorable at year's end, this'll have been a very good year for movies. (All the other actors are good, too, but they're still alive so we don't have to moon over them.)

Oh, and the action sequences are crazy bitchen, too.

And, hey, here's a rare bit of actually helpful consumer information for you: If you have kids around age 10 or so, don't take them to see it in the IMAX format - it's way too intense. Take them to the movie on a regular screen, but see it for yourself in IMAX. Will you be blown away? Hey, the Joker pretty much blows everyone else away in the film, so why not you?

ABC Entertainment president Stephen McPherson was asked about Fox's "Remote-Free TV" strategy, in which two new shows this season - "Fringe" and "Dollhouse," the season's two most highly anticipated series - will be shown with limited commercial interruption, though advertisers who do get their spots in the shows will pay a premium to do so.

(The cast of "Dollhouse" looks so natural and relaxed in this photo. Almost like they're automaton ciphers or something. Oh, wait: They are.)

"I'm glad Fox is trying it," McPherson, which meant he was glad he wasn't trying it.

McPherson had a couple of good points as to logistics: If/when these shows go to syndication or appear elsewhere besides Fox, they'll inevitably have to be cut down to fit the usual advertising requirements. Which means about nine or 10 minutes will have to be excised from each episode.

And that means one of two things: If the episodes are tightly plotted, they might not make a whole lot of sense with that much material chopped out of them.

(It would take a mighty big scissors to cut that much footage out of an episode.)

On the other hand, if the shows' producers are thinking ahead to syndication, they may write a couple of extraneous, neither-here-nor-there scenes into each episode that may represent some narrative wheel-spinning that may frustrate/bore/mystify viewers.

Of course, there's a third alternative: They could write scenes offering some deep background on the characters that isn't necessarily germane to the storyline except to the hardcore viewers who divine meaning in every bit of minutiae on shows like "Lost," who will have already fully digested the series and those episodes by the time the programs reach syndication. Still, it does present J.J. Abrams and Joss Whedon with an interesting balancing act.

The floor's now open for debate: Will ABC's Americanization of "Life on Mars" be any good?

Herewith, the evidence:

Pro: It's based on a cool BBC series, about a contemporary Manchester detective working on a case, who gets smacked by a car and wakes up in 1973, where there's none of the nifty CSI-type technology to solve crimes, and all the cops there think they're in an episode of "Starsky & Hutch," playing rough games of bad cop/worse cop with suspects.

(Stars of the British version and what passes for a cool car in England.)

Con: About the only Americanization of a British series that has worked this decade is "The Office." (This is bad news for a scad of new shows, of which many, as we've previously noted, are carbon copies of overseas successes.)

Pro: ABC Entertainment president Stephen McPherson calls the project a "passion" of his. He never called "Cavemen" a passion.

Con: It's been through a particularly difficult birthing process - David E. Kelley left the show after shooting a pilot (which is being completely reshot), and there've been wholesale casting changes since then, as well.

"I'm the only survivor from the original pilot," opined Jason O'Mara, who stars as Sam Tyler, the time-traveling - or comatose, or just plain crazy - cop, at the show's session at summer TV Press Tour in Beverly Hills. "Quite the bit of Irish luck.

"It can be a little weird," O'Mara concedes of being the last man standing. "I was sad to see that I wasn't going to be working with those guys, but at same time I understood the decision."

Pro: Michael Imperioli ("The Sopranos") has joined the cast. "I definitely was being picky," Imperioli says of selecting roles after getting whacked by Tony. "It's a hard act to follow. You want something juicy and different."

Con: Imperioli is so picky that he appeared in the treacly sap-fest "Mitch Albom's For One More Day."

Pro: The new show runners are Josh Appelbaum and Andre Nemec, who worked on "Alias."

Con: The last show they worked on was - ulp - "October Road." (This should almost count as two cons.)

Pro: Appelbaum cops to being a "huge fan" of the British series, and that the main difference they've brought to Kelley's version is moving the story from Los Angeles to New York, which makes more sense, since they're out to capture the grungy nature of the original series and the bad-ass cops. The casting changes were made, likewise, to reflect worm-riddled Big Apple sensibilities in the actors over a laid-back, City-of-Angels gestalt.

"There are a lot of similarities (with 1973 and) where we are now," says Appelbaum. "We were in a war we were trying to get out of. We had an unpopular president. Gas prices were an issue. A war we were trying to get out of. We're so excited to be able to explore all this on the show, this specific, tumultuous time."

Con: The British series wrapped up its tricky narrative in a mere 16 episodes. (Though a spin-off show sporting another title borrowed from a David Bowie song, "Ashes to Ashes," is in the works.) American series tend not to have the luxury of being so close-ended - in order to be profitable, it'll have to go on for at least four seasons.

Pro: Appelbaum and Nemec understand this and have applied themselves to resolving that problem. For example, in the British version, the detective's partner was kidnapped in the first episode, and returning to the present day to rescue her gave the show a lot of urgency. Appelbaum acknowledges that that would hardly fly over years of episodes.

"In the pilot, we have a similar construct, but we resolve that sooner in the show rather than later," he says. "There will be dispatches from 2008 that will be reaching Sam. We resolve the peril early, because you need to be investing in his life in 1973."

Appelbaum also seems to have a good take on dealing with the mythology that served as the underpinning of the original series. "It's a question of playing it down and actually expanding the mythology," he explains. "We called the creators (of the original) and asked permission to change the mythology. In that series, Sam had three options - he had lost his mind, he was in a coma, or he had actually time-traveled. It turned out he was in a coma, and to do a long-running series where he's in a coma felt unsatisfying.

"For us there's many, many more options," he continues. "In the second episode, he comes up with 13 options [explaining his plight] - well, 12 options and a question mark, the one option he hasn't considered yet and that's the one that scares him most of all."

"Having worked on 'Alias,' we know the pitfalls of extending this mythological storyline," Appelbaum continues. "A lot of people say this, but we know exactly where this is all going."

Con: How could they, really? The pilot hasn't even been reshot yet, and the series is scheduled to debut on Thursday, Oct. 9.

So what do you think? Does "Life on Mars" sound promising, or will it be an otherworldly tank job?

This is the print version of the ABC executive session, but illustrated in a way you'd never see in the paper.

Before addressing the issues confronting his network during his summer TV Press Tour session Wednesday morning, ABC Entertainment president Stephen McPherson took time out for a kum-ba-yah moment.

"We're rooting for broadcast television," he declared. "It's important to get all the viewers back. We have to take a step back and root for the industry. There are a lot of nay-saying and doomsday scenarios out there, but as the May upfronts proved, the money (from advertisers) is there; the interest is there."

Of the major networks, ABC found its shelves the most depleted when it came time to schedule the 2008-09 season; it is premiering but one new scripted series and one new reality show this fall.

"The strike changed everything in terms of the way development went - we weren't going to announce ... shows that didn't exist," McPherson explained.

"We're really in the middle of pilot season now." The network will look at pilots for prospective series in August that may appear on the air as soon as November.

McPherson said that not having many new shows in the fall has an upside. "I like the fact we can prioritize promoting returning shows," he said.

Indeed, when shows returned in the spring after the writers strike, ABC held back its entire Wednesday schedule of new series and decided to launch them anew in the fall.

"That really does have a creative upside - we do believe in these shows; we do believe in these showrunners," McPherson said. "Our Wednesday night was an unbelievable success story, and we think there's a lot of upside there."

In fact, Wednesday proved to be a mixed bag for ABC. The network did prove able to launch a night of all new shows, traditionally considered a dangerous strategy, but the shows lost a considerable number of viewers as the season pressed on. "Private Practice," a spinoff of "Grey's Anatomy," never came close to approximating that show's hit numbers, viewership levels for the quirky mystery-comedy "Pushing Daisies" ebbed after a strong initial showing and the drolly urbane melodrama "Dirty Sexy Money" fairly struggled ...

(... and not just with performance-anxiety issues.)

Nonetheless, by keeping the shows off the spring schedule, McPherson said that gave those series' producers "a lot more prep time" to craft strong episodes that will hopefully grab and hold viewers come the fall, and allow them to possibly produce more episodes over the course of the upcoming season, cutting down the number of repeats.

McPherson attempted to tamp down rumors of creative turmoil regarding "Life on Mars," its sole new scripted series, based upon a British series about a contemporary policeman who, after an automobile accident, awakens to find himself in the 1970s, working for a less sophisticated, more rough-and-tumble police department.

"Those were rumors from people who were searching for something, some conspiracy," McPherson claimed. "It's in great shape. It's a production I'm particularly passionate about - I've been trying to do it for a couple of years."

David E. Kelley ("Boston Legal") initially created the pilot, but has since left the show, which McPherson attributed to his wanting to devote his time working on "Boston Legal's" final season. Executive producers from ABC's low-rated soaper "October Road" were brought in to guide the production; wholesale casting changes were made, as well, with Michael Imperioli ("The Sopranos") and Jason O'Mara recently added to the cast.

"They've been doing a fantastic job - they're creating something that's more what we wanted to accomplish," McPherson said. "We continue to be extremely excited about the show. It is a work in progress, but I would certainly not root against it."

McPherson said that the network's decision to spend more energy promoting its new reality-competition show "Opportunity Knocks" over "Life on Mars" was because the former is scheduled in a more difficult timeslot than the latter.

Jimmy Kimmel, ABC's late-night host, made a brief appearance to help McPherson deal with the question of whether the network will try to woo Jay Leno when he leaves "The Tonight Show" in 2009. Posing as a reporter from a small-town newspaper, he asked McPherson, "Are you concerned that if you do replace Jimmy Kimmel, he might do something to you or your car?"

Noting, "I can't believe NBC will let this guy go at the top of his game," McPherson was intentionally vague as to the network's intentions, but said that Kimmel would be brought in on any discussions. ABC is considered to have the best chance of landing Leno, whom many believe wants to remain at 11:30 p.m., a timeslot neither Fox nor a syndicated deal could guarantee, and though Kimmel's show would air a half-hour later, it would benefit from the ratings bump Leno would provide.

McPherson was equally circumspect in discussing Katherine Heigl's recent declaration that she didn't submit herself for an Emmy nomination (though she won last year) because the show's writers didn't give her any good material to work with this past season. Some saw her comments as a bid to get off the show so she could pursue her expanding film career.

(A serious actress deserves serious material.)

"It's unfortunate when there's turmoil on a show - so many people work hard to make it a No. 1 show," the executive said. But he maintained that Heigl will be back on the show, and promised that the writers had cooked up an "unbelievable story line" for the actress.

And they say there are no new ideas on TV these days.

Jack Bauer hasn't lost any spin off his fastball; if anything, he's improved with age. In an upcoming TV movie "24: Exile" (or "2," as I prefer to call it), Jack just happens to be in a small African nation when insurgents try to mount a revolution and start a genocide.

And Jack puts it down in two hours flat.

Yes, Fox announced that the movie will feature the same real-time format of the series, which will return in January (the movie's slated for November, as a bit of an appetizer for the return of the show, which sat out the entirety of last season due to the writers strike).

Send Jack to Iraq. Thing'd be over in a week, two tops.

The funniest moment during Monday's Fox News Channel's session during TV Press Tour Monday came when John Moody, executive vice president of News Editorial for the network, was asked a question regarding Karl Rove's access to the McCain campaign, whether he would be advising them while service as an analyst for Fox News. The question suggested that Rove, in doing so, would therefore have an unspoken bias toward the McCain campaign, rendering him an illegitimate analyst.

Moody replied - or began to reply - "I don't think Karl would cross an ethical line like that ..." At which point curdled laughter swirled around the room. That laughter made me laugh.

The question itself was touchingly optimistic, or naïve, or something. It's not like Rove's political agenda exists in a vacuum - it's out there, he's unabashed about it, and, really, however close he is to the McCain campaign is in the end kind of irrelevant. (Though the truth is, McCain reportedly pretty much hates Rove for the latter's part in smearing the former in the 2000 Presidential primaries, particularly in South Carolina, when McCain lost the momentum he was gathering when a "push poll" suggested to voters that he had fathered a black baby (McCain had adopted a daughter from Bangladesh). Would you want to put someone on your payroll who had screwed you over so royally?)

So there probably isn't a human alive who really cares about the political process who doesn't get what Rove is about and those who agree with him will drink him in like Kool-Aid and those who don't won't agree with him if he says our planet revolves around the sun. So I'm not sure how a question about bias to the Fox News Channel manages any traction whatsoever.

It was hard to get a microphone to ask a question during the session (I never scored one), and they obfuscated a smidgen, trying to cut the session short, pleading that Rove et al had to catch a plane (when journalists protested, they prolonged the session, which only meant that those who got microphones got to ask questions and there was no post-game scrum where anyone could try to blurt out a question).

But to one question of his thoughts on the Bush Administration and FEMA in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, Rove gave a sales pitch instead of an answer: "On that one, you'll have to wait for my book, unfortunately, which will be available in the Fall of 2009 for $29.95. If you preorder on amazon.com, you can get the personalized nameplate." Given how well he sold Bush to America, I wouldn't be surprised if his book is already on amazon.com's bestseller list.

(Howard Wolfson, who had been with Hillary Clinton's campaign and famously announced to Fox that its coverage of her had been the fairest of any of the cable networks, was also on the panel as an analyst for the Presidential campaign. It apparently never occurred to Wolfson that Fox had been easy on Clinton because they figured that she would be an easier candidate to pick on during the campaign and beat in November; if he thought they weren't going to demonize her after she won the nomination, he's delusional. So basically, he's just there as another Alan Colmes to Rove's Sean Hannity.)

Someone wondered about the propriety of having an analyst who refuses to respond to a Congressional subpoena. Moody said, "His current difference of opinion with Congress is between him and Congress, and we consider ourselves very fortunate to have him here working for us."

For his part, Rove filibustered, explaining at length that it wasn't he was refusing to go before Congress but that President Bush didn't want him to testify under oath, citing executive privilege. Rove has offered to speak informally to Congress and says that ought to be enough: "They would know what I had to say and they could easily go out and find out whether it was true or not." Well, not if anyone in the Bush Administration is refusing to testify under oath; then, it remains a best-guess scenario.

But Rove noted that Congress has shuffled its feet on the matter. "Talk to the constitutional scholars, and they will tell you that this is an issue that Congress has been reluctant to try and get the courts to be more specific on because this privilege, longstanding in law and practice, any further definition is likely to reduce the power of Congress, not to increase the power of Congress," he said.

Chris Wallace, host of "Fox News Sunday," tried to put things into perspective.

"I'm struck by what I think is a double standard in the questions that particularly Karl is being asked here," he said. "I don't understand. Maybe somebody can explain to me why it is that if Congress and the White House are having a fight in executive power that that should in any way constrain an independent news organization's decision as to who it's going to have on its payroll and who it's going to talk to."

Which is a perfectly valid point. Wallace treaded into murkier waters, however, when he continued:

Fox News Channel offered a press session Monday afternoon at TV Press Tour featuring Bush Administration "Architect" Karl Rove as their new analyst, and my thoughts on it (both pro and con) have become fairly complex and lamentably long-winded. So I'll break them up into the sort of soundbites with which TV viewers have become familiar.

Here's probably the worst example of the sort of manipulative chicanery the session pushed upon reporters in their efforts to seem fair and balanced: Discussion of the current droll New Yorker cover featuring Barack Obama and his wife in the Oval Office, finally shedding their skins and revealing themselves to be the terrorists that the Fox News Channel believed them to be all along:

Moody broached the subject first, in responding to a question about Fox News' caricatures of a New York Times reporter who had written about the network in a way they didn't appreciate, and his editor:

"If you looked at the cover of the New Yorker this morning, you would probably get an idea of intended humor or satire that not everybody thought was funny."

Rove added, "I don't understand why (New Yorker editor) David Remnick put this on the cover. I mean, you have 3 (to 8) percent of the American people who think he's a Muslim, which he's not. This is not healthy for the system."

What both men blithely and conveniently neglected to mention was that that cover illustration was obviously intended as a satirical rebuke to the sort of propagandizing that had been appearing on Fox News itself. Fox News had famously described Barack's playful fist-bump with his wife as a "terrorist fist-jab" and one of its commentators had pointedly confused Obama with Osama bin Laden.

(To be fair, Moody said of some of the network's attacks on Obama, "One is a lack of depth of understanding, and in the case of the fist bump, it was trying to explain a blog that really didn't have any place in the segment in the first place. Yeah. It was regrettable. I wish it hadn't happened." Still, it did happen, and more than once, so Moody's lament felt less than heartfelt.)

So, basically, they were defending Obama by defending their indefensible coverage of him. That's how ingenious these guys are, and you'd be inclined to tip your hat to them were they, you know, not such hypocrites.

We'll pick through the detritus of what's getting to be increasingly ugly political coverage later, as soon as we find some sterilized tongs.

Because I'm too lazy to knock out another version, here's the "Fringe" story as it'll appear in the paper:

There are worse problems to have, but J.J. Abrams is a victim of his own success. Having wowed audiences with his previous series "Lost" and "Alias," Abrams now finds himself fretting about irrational buzz swirling around his upcoming fall series, "Fringe," one of the season's most highly anticipated shows and one that many hope can reverse the broadcast networks' flagging fortunes.

"Expectations could ruin a show," Abrams told journalists at the summer TV Press Tour in Beverly Hills. "If you expect something to change your life, it's going to be disappointing, no matter how good it is. I don't think any one show can save the fall, though a great show is something we all want."

"Fringe" is a conspiracy thriller starring Australian actress Anna Torv as FBI Special Agent Olivia Dunham, who investigates a grisly air tragedy that leads her to Massive Dynamic, a corporation whose medical research seems to have deadly results. She recruits the founder's former partner, a man with a tenuous grasp on sanity named Dr. Walter Bishop (John Noble), and his estranged son Peter (Joshua Jackson) to assist her.

Given that Abrams has a reputation for turning young actresses into stars - his prior shows turned Evangeline Lilly, Jennifer Garner and Keri Russell into magazine-cover regulars - expectations are high for Torv.

Series executive producer Alex Kurtzman recalled that the casting process as difficult. "We were looking at lots of actresses, but something wasn't clicking," he said. Until Torv's name came up. "We popped in her tape, and we knew."

"Fox was getting nervous and we told them, 'It's always last-minute for us - we cast "Lost" the night before,'" Roberto Orci, another executive producer on the show, remembered. "That didn't help, really."

For her part, Torv said playing a kick-butt heroine "makes life at work fun. I get to wear flat shoes and run really hard. I feel really strong and tough.

(She gets to disrobe occasionally, too!)

"They got nervous, though, when I did the driving," she added with a laugh. "I'm from Australia, where we drive on the other side. So I'm looking over the wrong shoulder."

Torv conceded she doesn't have the same iron constitution as her character. "I'm a bit of a squib - all of the gross stuff I didn't have any use for prior to this," she said. "But the conspiracy stuff, I'm interested in that: Who has the knowledge and who has the power?"

*

So here's the cow anecdote: In the pilot, Dr. Bishop has his laboratory restocked, including a cow. As the pilot was shot in Toronto and the series is being produced in New York, they couldn't get the cow a work visa.

"The one recast from the pilot was the cow," executive producer Jeff Pinkner jokes. "There literally have been discussions about putting makeup on the cow because the spots are different; we wondered if anyone would notice."

When Fox Entertainment president Kevin Reilly speaks, you can pretty much trust what he says to be true, unlike other network executives out there we could mention.

So, while Reilly tried to sugar-coat the effects of the writers strike a bit at his Press Tour appearance this morning, he conceded, "It's still odd - everyone tried to reposition themselves after the strike and deliver smiley faces as to where they were. But it was obviously damaging.

"It forced the hand of where we were evolving anyway. Strike or not, we would only put two new shows on the air in the fall. That's what we should do rather than compete with all the noise."

Likewise, he was blunt about the state of the sitcom: "I can't even go to the platitude of, 'It's cyclical.' A lot of confidence has left the creative space. The talent is skittish; they don't know what to sell, they don't know, where is that nerve to hit?"

His big solution: Not to take pitch meetings in his office anymore. Seriously. He'll meet writers off the lot.

A second solution makes more sense: They're giving writers money to shoot low-budget, YouTube-style films of the sort that proliferated online during the writers strike to see if they can come up with something fresh. "We've got to do anything to mix it up," Reilly said. "Our comedy brand has been a little anemic. We're ready for our next 'Malcolm in the Middle.'"

Fox has formally split its development season into two parts; they're in pre-production on eight potential shows as you read this, with an eye to viewing them and making decisions on air them in December. One script Reilly professed to be high on was "Boldy Going Nowhere," from Rob McElhenney and the "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" brain trust.

Reilly did seem a little blasé about how important this fall is in terms of coaxing viewers back to the broadcast networks: "I hope that this fall is a reset; I think that it can be. I wouldn't read too much into it" if ratings continue to trend down, he said. "This isn't an all-or-nothing line of demarcation, it's not a point of no return." Reilly compared it to the slump at the box office a couple of years ago, which inspired a lot of whither-Hollywood hand-wringing. "They were just a few hit movies from making that talk going away."

Well, but everyone understands that the movie industry has cycles of up times and down times. The broadcast networks have been suffering from viewer attrition for years now.

(This has nothing to do with anything, but I couldn't find an amusing photo of Reilly and am still reeling from our little Sunday-school lesson from yesterday.)

Up in a bit: The "Fringe" press conference, which, I'll warn you, was only ehh. When the best moment is a throwaway line about a cow, you probably could've been a little more quotable.

Karl Rove mimes shoving the Constitution somewhere where the sun don't shine.

Today, the Television Critics Association's summer press tour ratchets interest up a notch or two, as the broadcast networks begin trotting out their ponies and dogs.

First up: Fox. Entertainment president Kevin O'Reilly will be the first to get grilled on the fallout of the writers strike and the possibility of an actors strike, and there'll be a press conference with J.J. Abrams and the stars of the fall's hottest show, "Fringe," which was screened last night for critics staying at the Beverly Hills hotel serving as Ground Zero for this year's tour. (Which means tough luck for us locals, but I cheated and found a fuzzy bootleg of the pilot online, accented with the bonus of Japanese subtitles. As advance word had it, it's pretty compelling, and has a great shot of a victim of a bizarre virus that claims the passengers of a commercial airline whose jaw just simply drops from his skull. It's basically "The X-Files" for a new generation of paranoiacs, albeit very well done.)

But the biggest news today will come when Fox News offers up its presentation of Election 2008 coverage, and divulges what new slanders it has cooked up to volley in Barack Obama's direction, after branding him a terrorist, advocating killing him and suggesting his wife is merely his "baby mama." Among those scheduled to appear are Karl Rove, who has joined Fox News as a "contributor" or "analyst" or "propagandist," whatever the channel's calling them these days.

Those who have been lamenting the diminished state of print TV-criticism these days need look no further than this panel for refutation: Last week, Rove ignored a Congressional subpoena to testify before the House Judiciary Committee, and yet, he's deigning to answer questions from the august body of America's TV journalists. If that's not clout, what is? (Alas, Mr. Rove will not be under oath when he answers our queries.)

Still, the session should be entertaining for its self-righteous-outrage/amoral-indifference-and-blasé-dismissiveness quotient. If Paul Thomas Anderson were to make a movie about this press conference, it'd probably be titled, "There Will Be Aneurysms."

So join us later, already.

What better way to spend a Sunday than at TV Press Tour, listening to PBS talent taking potshots at God, of all people. (Well, if anyone can take it, it would be God.)

(And so here's the thing: If anyone from the religious right is going to use this blog entry to decry PBS as in league with Satan, they're going to overlook this next sentence.) Of course, this being PBS, they did so with mountains of research and philosophical thought, the sort of thing that fundamentalists don't trouble their heads with.

First up was "The Bible's Buried Secrets," an upcoming "Nova" report that suggests that if you go to a church that teaches that the Bible is the inerrant and utterly true word of God, you consider should suing your pastor for malpractice.

"It challenges the Bible's stories if you want to read them literally, and that will disturb many people," said William Dever, a Biblical archaeologist. "But it explains how and why these stories ever came to be told in the first place and how and why they were written down and why they continue to resonate with us. So it's a very controversial film, but it ends on a positive note. It should bring to laypeople a new appreciation of the literature and the history of the Bible."

"This is the first documentary about archaeology in the Bible that has taken modern critical scholarship seriously, that has looked at the archaeological discoveries in the eyes of the excavators and has talked courageously about the archaeological revolution," Dever continued. "Most people simply misunderstand archaeology and the Bible. Some of them are not going to like this film, but nobody will see this film without changing their mind about the way the Bible ought to be read. And what it does is to take archaeology seriously as an independent witness to what it was really like in the ancient world. People will have to make up their own minds about what they will believe. This is not about faith. It's about history or the lack of history in the Bible. It's a shocking film in many ways, but it's truth, revolutionary and it's as fresh as yesterday."

"So to take," added Duke University religion professor Carol Meyers, "for example, some of the things that you'll see eventually the film deals with, it talks about the stories of the ancestors in the book of Genesis, Abraham and Sarah and their offspring, and it shows that these stories are unlikely to represent real historical events, but rather there's some kernel of ancient experience in there which has survived and which helps give identity to the people at the time the Bible finally took shape centuries and centuries later.

"The same thing with the Exodus," she continues. "Archaeologists have scoured the Sinai Peninsula and scoured Egyptian documents to see some kind of reference to this event which is portrayed as earth-moving, to say the least, literally, in the tales in the book of Exodus. And there's no evidence for it. It doesn't mean that there's no kernel of truth to it. But the elaboration that we read in scripture is really now understood to be a literary production that conveys certain extraordinarily profound ideas like liberation, and we are learning, as scholars, to read looking for the ideas rather than by trying to prove this fact or another fact."

Obviously, this isn't going to go over well with those who believe God tinkered with the carbon dating in dinosaur bones to confuse scientists.

"It's a waste of time to argue with fundamentalists," Dever said flatly. "And this film doesn't do it. It's designed for intelligent people who are willing to change their mind. And of course, one film is not going to change religious life in America, but it will give intelligent people who want to read the Bible in a modern way a chance. If we insist on reading the Bible literally, in 25 years nobody will read it any longer."

Later in the day came "God on Trial," a "Masterpiece Contemporary" (the show no longer goes by the moniker "Masterpiece Theatre") docudrama about a group of Jews imprisoned at Auschwitz who participate in a sort of intellectual/philosophical debate as to whether God has broken his covenant to protect them from their enemies.

Rory Kennedy, the award-winning documentarian ("Ghosts of Abu Ghraib," "American Hollow"), was on hand at TV Press Tour to talk up her upcoming HBO documentary, "Thank You, Mr. President: Helen Thomas at the White House."

Kennedy is also the daughter of martyred Senator Bobby Kennedy and an avowed Barack Obama supporter. So, it only made sense to ask her what she made of Hillary Clinton's comment that she was remaining in the Democratic Presidential campaign because, "We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California." Invoking an event that traumatized a nation and leaving the potential for contemporary echoes to linger in the air struck observers as everything to egregiously ill-advised to shockingly irresponsible (Keith Olbermann almost had an aneurysm on-air).

Kennedy's response was incredibly (perhaps disappointingly) diplomatic: "I thought it was an unfortunate comment. I didn't think she meant anything by it. It was just exhaustion. She had said the same thing before but in a far less toxic way, not causing such a flare up. It was insensitive. And it's unfortunate she didn't apologize directly to Obama for it. That's who she should've apologized to. Whatever.

"It was probably one of those things where she was not tapped into what the implications were, which speaks to her being a little out of touch. I imagine if I had been campaigning, I would've been exhausted from attending so many events, speaking at so many of them, sleeping only four or five hours a night. It's inevitable that you'd slip up - on my best of days, I say things that are not entirely thought through.

"I think that she alienated a lot of people, she got a lot of people angry at her. It was a hard-fought race, and the more it went on, the more the candidates would alienate the other side. This is true on both sides. That's the nature of the race. Bill Clinton made valid point when he said, it could've gotten much much uglier. But I loved that race. I though it was a great race; I loved every second. It was about two really smart people who worked ferociously and, in the end, she made more mistakes."

A Very Good Friend to Your Mayor responded to our post in which Barbara Niven, co-star of a gummy-looking Xmas Hallmark Channel flick, had the temerity to say, "It's about making magic, like what we did." Said friend mentioned that the quote reminded her of her aunt who, when speaking about her dog, would opine (as if actually discussing inspirational Hallmark Channel movies!), "Magic has diarrhea."

I don't think there's a more succinct description of TV Press Tour that exists.

And when I interviewed "The Soup's" Joel McHale, I asked him if there was any void left to fill by reality TV's odiousness; what sure-fire reality show had been overlooked by craven TV executives. His inspired (and not yet copyrighted) response:

"Celebrity Mohel."

(Warning: If you're going to see Ricky Gervais on his standup tour, you might want to give this a pass. The jokes'll be funnier coming from him.)

This was my favorite joke from Gervais' act Friday night at the Kodak Theatre, which is primarily employed for more high-minded ventures such as handing out trophies (I'm paraphrasing, but it's pretty close):

"Rosa Parks - she saw what she perceived was an injustice, and refused to give up her seat on a bus to a white person. And she was arrested, but eventually, they changed the law. But she didn't stop there - she then refused to give up the seat reserved for the handicapped."

That's so wrong on so many levels that you just have to tip your hat to such perverse audacity. If, say, Rush Limbaugh tried that joke (not that he would; the train of thought that gets you to the punchline is too subtle), it would come off as typically nasty Rush. But coming from Gervais' mouth, its misguidedness seems practically cuddly.

And Gervais had a lot of similarly politically incorrect material in his hour-plus-long set. He touted the fact that Nelson Mandela had not been re-arrested since his release from prison as proof that the penal system works. He explained why sharks would have done a better job than Nazis in finding Anne Frank. He championed all of his charity work (including helping a young autistic man by spending time with him and taking him to a casino so he could count cards, "Rain Man"-like, at the blackjack table), but allowed that he drew the line at raising money for obesity, which, he insisted, is not an illness, just an inability to know when to stop eating.

One highlight came (so to speak) when Gervais read to the crowd from a safe-sex pamphlet he claimed to have found on his college campus, issued in the '80s, in the early days of the AIDS crisis. He flashed it to the crowd (though, from my seat in the mezzanine, I could not confirm its authenticity). Its title, Gervais said, was, "You Know, You Don't Always Have to Have Anal Sex." There were 10 tips to safer mischief; Gervais shared five of them (I shall not forget the phrase "e.g., watermelon" for the rest of my life). Which was merciful - had he read all 10, half the crowd might have keeled over from cardiac arrest.

There was less cruel material, as well, but what's the point in sharing that? The ticket price amounted to about a dollar a minute in Gervais' presence; the miracle is that it was almost worth it.

Well, this was inevitable: We discussed earlier in the week Fox News' Photoshopping unflattering portraits of people they don't like so much. And so it was only a matter of time before the tables were turned.

Here are a couple of shots from the rogues' gallery at VanityFair.com:

Billo's eye shadow really brings out the raw, unfettered hatred behind his eyes.

Steve Doocy was one of the guys discussing the story that inspired the original Photoshopping, so, in that light, he gets off (heh! I said "Gets off") pretty easy here.

Actually, I don't think this shot of Sean Hannity is Photoshopped; it's just him without his makeup.

DailyKos.com got into the act, as well:

Brit Hume has a big head.

Contrary to popular opinion, Sean Hannity is not a jug-eared vampire.

"I suppose I pick on the comedy classics -Hitler, you know; famine."

That's Ricky Gervais on his standup act. He's performing at the Kodak Theatre tonight and Saturday; good luck getting tickets. (I'll let you know how tonight's show goes later.)

Gervais appeared during HBO's session of TV Press Tour to tout an upcoming concert film. He has three previous performance DVDs available only in a format that won't likely work with your DVD player, so this will be a lot of Americans' first chance to see Gervais' comedy outside "The Office" and "Extras."

He described his onstage persona: "A brash, ignorant, and I suppose sort of firm right-winged bigot, but stupid, as sort of a love will be. He doesn't really understand what he's saying. I used to do a show called "The 11:00 Show" in England where that style which was like, you know, I suppose, a more cutting-edge version of "Saturday Night Live." And I played a reporter who was disgusted with the world. I'd do a real report from that day but then go off on one, you know. And it's from that, really. And I think you have to be slightly larger than life. And one of my tours was called
'Politics,' where I thought it would be funny to pretend to be one of those comedians who is trying to change the world. So I like to have a slight bit of character slapped onto it just to back it up so it's not just lines. I don't really do gags. It's quite anecdotal and flights of fancy, yes, certainly. Obviously, I don't believe what I say, but I do it for comedy effect. There's something quite nice about, you know, to do crunching, and I think it's a smart audience that knows that comedy is coming from a good place. So I suppose it's letting people know they can laugh. It's tried and tested. It's safe. It's actually right on, but I pretend not to be."

He discussed his influences: "All my comedy heroes, I think, are American and from Laurel and Hardy, which are the greatest of all, and they're the greatest because I think the most important thing about comedy is empathy. Whatever you do, whatever you talk about, whether taboo, outrageous, sweetener, it has to have empathy, you have to make that connection, and they did it. They nailed it a hundred years ago and it's never been improved upon. They're beautiful. They're precarious, and I want to hug them, and I can't laugh at someone I don't like. They can be the best lines in the world, but if I don't like (the comic), I will -- I can't laugh. I just can't. I've got to like someone to laugh with them. And, you know, Hitler had great lines; didn't make me laugh at all."

As well as his early days: "I didn't have tough times. I wasn't trying. I really wasn't. I had a normal job, and I went for - I worked in an office for seven years, and I was, you know, a people watcher. I was a funny guy, I thought, and I was a comedy fan. It was one of those things that sort of happened when I was about 36, and, you know, I met Steve Merchant and we started doing some stuff together, and I did bits and pieces of what popped up on the radio. It wasn't that romantic struggle of coming up through the clubs. In fact, I think it's because I started late, and I had an older head on my shoulders that we didn't compromise at all.

"You know, we're the first that went with the BBC, and it wasn't a bluff. If they didn't let me do it my own way, I was going to walk away. I really meant it, and I look back now, and I shudder. It wasn't like I wasn't one of those -- I never networked. I didn't have burning ambition to be famous. You know, it just didn't bother me, but what excited me was a chance to write and direct my own sitcom which was, you know, it was a dream I had from 36."

He says that while maybe - maybe - there might be another "Extras" special, expect no more of his original incarnation of "The Office." "We've done our thing, and we were happy with that. And it's on a DVD box set on my shelf, and it's done, and I couldn't be prouder of it, but I just don't think you should get yourself too worked up about it would be my advice because the chances are that -- it's a very precarious thing. I think 'The Office' is the first successful British remake of a sitcom for about 30 years now. I think 'Sanford & Son' was the last one. So the stats are against you, but just don't take it personally. ... I can't give advice because I don't think I've done anything in the traditional way, and it's luck. It really is luck."

He pauses. "You're all meant to say I was being humble there and it wasn't luck."

And, finally: "I can't remember what I was saying. Will you all make me look articulate? Will you do that for me? Thank you. That's your job really, isn't it?"

But you know what Gervais never talks about? His days in the '80s pop duo Seona Dancing.

(Yes, that's really him.)

Sample lyrics:

"With pleasured last goodbyes, I break the noise,/and we silently fly apart /I'll end the angered cries and the twisted joys/that rage in a bitter heart

"Go on, hit me, do/I won't hit you/You'd love that too much, 'cause it means that they'd all hear/Tell them you're free and/Tell lies of me/I'm out of range now, so there's nothing more to fear"

Which is almost as funny as when David Brent got his groove on in "The Office." But I guess you can sort of see why he doesn't talk about it much.

"Congratulations on still having a job."

Those were among the first words I received by way of greeting at this summer's TV Press Tour, thusfar a remarkably spiritless affair, for any number of reasons: For the first time in memory, none of the networks (aside from CBS) sent out screeners of their fall programming, so there's precious little to talk about and nothing to start generating any buzz over, and what discussion there is as journalists slouch from session to session tends to concern fallen colleagues who are not in attendance because they've either lost their jobs or their papers have axed the TV beat or their publications have opted not to spend the money to send them to a swanky hotel for close to three weeks to interview what so far has predominantly been talent for an endless string of reality shows. (There's one coming about a 500-pound woman who's trying to lose weight; during the session, she spoke darkly if fleetingly about repressed memories, but at least she has a job - if the show runs until she loses all the weight she wants it could challenge "Law & Order's" longevity; oddest of all, it's on the Style Network.)

(On to the "Gong Show" press conference!)

The first session I attended was for the Hallmark Channel, a dispiriting affair despite the banal uplift promised by each of the 10 movies trotted out. Already, the questions were of the rote, uninspired variety ("For any of the actors, do you guys have any favorite recipes that you're good at making?") usually reserved for the final day of press tour, when everyone is exhausted and miserable and just wants to go the hell home.

At that point, The Hollywood Reporter's Ray Richmond had already questioned the point of bothering with the event and The San Francisco Chronicle's Tim Goodman had hoped against hope that news would come out of the thing but wasn't really expecting much out of the broadcast networks.

Things would get worse: The Washington Post's Lisa de Moreas would contribute one of her precision-scalpel eviscerations of press tour buffoonery, calling out critics for not calling out 74-year-old Florence Henderson for shoehorning herself into the Baby Boomer Generation (well, that would've been plain rude; I was more amused by her contention that Boomers are "the fastest-growing segment of the population," which given the fact that they by definition aren't making any more of them these days is an outright lie or downright delusional), followed by an unambiguous demand from Defamer.com to stop Press Tour in its tracks. As in, like right now.

So that's been my week so far. How's yours?

I pass this along without comment. Which doesn't mean you shouldn't comment.

Dear David:

I have co-written 5 books with legendary psychic/medium Kenny Kingston, and we've been partners for nearly 30 years. We were reading your column today while seated around the table and chairs given to Kenny by his friend and client Marilyn Monroe. She first became Kenny's client in San Francisco soon after she married Joe DiMaggio and Kenny spoke to her up until a few days before she passed away.

Kenny went into trance shortly after reading your column and several famous celebs in spirit gave him their comments on who they'd like to see nominated or even winning the Emmy this year. Just for the record, the spirit world isn't at all concerned with the people the Academy chooses - these are their choices for nominations, if they were given the chance to vote once again:

Kenny has given psychic messages and brief readings to his friend Lucille Ball when she was alive, and she was one of the first spirits to contact him today, along with her "I Love Lucy" co-star Vivian Vance. They said that they're disappointed that you didn't mention any of the "Desperate Housewives" women in your possible nominee list, especially Felicity Huffman. They wanted to cast her name into the ring, and told Kenny, "We were probably the original Desperate Housewives, and we want Felicity Huffman!"

Former "Perry Mason" star Raymond Burr appeared to Kenny and said he loves the quirkiness of the current courtroom show "Boston Legal" and would vote for it as Best Comedy or Drama if he could. He's also torn between James Spader and William Shatner so he'd nominate them both, for Best Actor and Supporting Actor, respectively.

Sexpot Jayne Mansfield showed herself to be an adoring mother by saying that her daughter Mariska Hargitay should definitely be nominated for "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit", and she says if the Academy knows true great acting, Mariska will not only be nominated but also win the Best Actress prize.

However, the First Lady of the American Theatre, Helen Hayes, contacted Kenny to say that she thinks a nominee for Best Actress should be Glenn Close. "She should be nominated for the way she chews up the scenery," Miss Hayes said. "And if your readers don't know that term...it means she overacts, but deliciously so."

David -- one note. Your name is one of Kenny's favorites. He was once psychic to the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. The Duke's real name was David and he had a fondness for him. Also, we have an English and American cocker mix named David whom we adore. Kenny says David is a name usually given to very sensitive individuals.

In closing, Red Skelton says to tell you that he thanks you for keeping great legends alive!

Valerie Porter

Well, thank you, Red!

Contracting a pathogen that could claim the lives of thousands if one is not properly quarantined is a bitch. But I'll still be heading over to TCA Press Tour.

Joel McHale hosts "The Soup," E!'s weekly whistling past the boneyard of pop culture. We're ensconced at TV Press Tour, which this year thanks to a paucity of really interesting subjects to write about due to the writers strike and a sense of unease among the critics attending (since many colleagues have either lost their jobs or been moved to other ones, as TV's apparently not a compelling cultural touchstone), pretty much is the boneyard of pop culture.

So it only made sense for me to ask McHale, how would "The Soup" cover TV Press Tour?

He told me, "I would probably have to have you out in the fountain out there (probably not hard to manage), and you would probably have to have some high school girls with you (doubtlessly more tricky to arrange). My guess is that Bret Michaels would be at that party. And then the cast members of 'Deadliest Catch' would trash a room and then we're there. We're good."

We're in McHale's hotel room at Press Tour before his session with the general assembly. He has a selection of suits laid out on a bed; "I'll be wearing two suits to the press conference," he explains.

In gathering up the week's worst that TV has to offer and then chuckling derisively at it all, "The Soup" lays bare the entrails of a society in decline; as McHale puts it, "We are documenting the moral bankruptcy of America." Most of it, naturally, comes via reality television.

"That's the problem with reality television - that's why it is slowly eroding the higher learning functions of our brain, is because it goes for car accidents," McHale notes. They want rubbernecking moments where people slow down and watch. We try to tell people, 'No! Turn away! - Well, watch our show, then turn away!'"

And reality-TV's biggest fin de siècle provocateur has been MySpace revolutionista bisexual Tila Tequila (pictured above), whose MTV reality series pits men against women to emerge as her one true love (beyond her own sordid fame, that is).

"Tila Tequila has been just incredible, really," McHale marvels. "When you have a show where you can eat pigs' vaginas in competition to win a date with a woman, you're hitting some sort of higher plane that no other show has come near. She is truly trying to destroy America."

Then again, the rest of E!'s programming seems to exist solely for "The Soup" to make fun of. E! seems to write "The Soup" for him, I suggest to McHale.

"No, most of the people there are illiterate," he replies (while an E! publicist is sitting in the room). He corrects himself: "No, E! gives us a lot, with Denise (Richards), Pamela Anderson coming on, Paris (Hilton) for a while, "Dr. 90210;" it really has its nice little stable of disaster that we can draw from.

"Dina Lohan did not want her show ('Living Lohan') to be used, at all," McHale adds, turning to the publicist and asking, "Does anyone watch that show?" He continues, "We've definitely said some things. We've promoted her show quite well, though not in the necessarily in the most flattering way."

Is there a flattering way to promote that show?

McHale replies, "We could sit here for hours trying to figure that out."

Talk turns to pets, particularly my dog, and my efforts to locate responsible dogsitters for the duration of Press Tour.

McHale scoffs: "You do know that he's a dog and that a billion people on this planet eat them."

"Yes, but no one I'm leaving him with would," I reply.

McHale launches into a discussion of what his brother, who has lived in China, has seen in the open markets in small villages - dogs, deer with their front legs broken so they can't escape, all manner of animals available for the consumption of the mainland Chinese. In China, McHale assures me, my dog would go over big as "Kung Pao Rescue Mutt."

Just to keep up, I'm sure, his reputation as an equal-opportunity offender.

"The Soup:" E!, 10 p.m. Fridays.

Last month, Katherine Heigl, who won an Emmy for her work last year on "Grey's Anatomy," issued a curious statement saying, in effect, she wasn't going to put herself up for nomination again this year because, well, the material her writers gave her this year kind of stank. And while that may in fact be true (but certainly, she wasn't the only one singled out for that kind of material on that show this season), it seemed a bit, well, impolitic to point it out to the entire world.

But not according to her co-star Chandra Wilson, who yesterday at TV Press Tour tried to tamp down the flames of outrage circling her colleague:

"All actors have to do the exact same thing every single year," Wilson explained. "We have to decide, you know, 'How do I submit and, if I submit, which clip to submit?' And I think the public at large doesn't understand that it's not about your body of work or it's not about the season. It's about the show that you submit.

So -- and especially when you're dealing with drama categories, okay? So it needs to be high drama, or it needs to be high comedy. So it can't really be kind of something in the middle. You can have a great seasonal arc, but if you don't have, like, that show that's, like, your show and you were breaking out in tears, well, then, that's not the right thing for the category. So we all have to do that every single time.

"Every single time we put our money up for our submission, that's the thing that we have to do. So it was amazing to me the way it kind of got blown out of proportion because if you asked every single actor on every single show, they'll tell you the exact same thing. Some years you submit. Some years you don't."

That very diplomatic explanation might put Wilson in the running for some kind of award. At the very least, Heigl owes her one of the angel's wings off her trophy from last year.

Early in this summer's TV Press Tour, we were subjected to treated to a two-and-a-half-hour marathon session with the stars of no fewer than 10 of the Hallmark Channel's upcoming new movies. (Originally, Hallmark had planned to shoehorn 11 movies with about 30 biggish-name performers, many of the TV Land era, into two hours, which translates into about four minutes per star's reminiscences and chatting up their new project. Which would not work under any circumstances and, in fact, didn't.) It was kind of like attending a Bruce Springsteen blowout concert, except for 150 minutes of exhilarating music, you heard a lot of homilies about the business and people caring for one another and mooning over how great all the scripts and the co-stars were and the usual kind of palaver you expect from press junkets, except compressed very, very tightly, nearly into a black hole of sunny, generally vague, not-utterly-sincere-sounding cheerleading.

Here're a few of the kinds of quotes from the session that just drive me crazy:

Barbara Niven (speaking of her Christmas flick, "Moonlight and Mistletoe"): "It's just such a beautiful story it just reminds you -- especially what we're going through in America right now, because we're cutting back. We're worried about money. We're worried about gas. We're worried about that. And you're starting to think about, 'Well, I don't need all that stuff, but I do need my family.'

Well, you kind of need money and gas, too, if you want your family to stay alive.

Niven on the negotiations between the AMPTP and SAG: "I think the conglomerates are forgetting that it's not all about big business, but it's about making magic, like what we did."

"Making magic" would sound precious under any circumstances, but when discussing a modestly budgeted holiday TV film, that really could come back to bite you.

Niven also had words of rapturous praise for the magisterial performance of Tom Arnold - Tom Arnold! - but we'll skip that and get to an equally precious Ben Vereen, who appears as a homeless man in "Accidental Friendship."

First, something that's merely mildly regrettably portentous: Vereen on appearing on the reality show "Your Momma Don't Dance:" "Whatever is given to us, our job is to make art. And I think that's what you are seeing right now is that transition that art is happening for all of us in the industry. Even for you."

Ladies and Gentlemen: The first time the word "art" was used when discussing a reality show.

And just try to follow this:

"I'm a believer that all life is an art form, you know. In the scriptures that we read - and I don't care if it's the Bible or the Bhagavad Gita or the Koran -- whatever book you read, it says, 'In the beginning, God created.' It didn't say, 'God manufactured.' So therefore we are all created beings, so therefore we are art forms of that expression. And art evolves itself as life evolves itself. So I can't say, 'Well, then was "Roots," and was it the same?' It's a different time and a different expression now. And it's wonderful to be alive, right? Life is good. And, you know, we've got to applaud ourselves because we're talking about a show where people are homeless and out of jobs and people are losing jobs. I read today in the paper 3500 people are out of jobs. The nation is closing 600 Starbucks. People are losing jobs left and right. We've got to applaud ourselves that we're working. And on that work, we've got to be creative in it and continue the art form going."

Translation: Artists are artsy and life is good because you can make a movie out of the fact that people are homeless and oh my God it's going to be harder to get a coffee but Ben's still working so, uh, there.

More in that vein: Lesley Ann Warren, on "Relative Stranger," about two old friends who share a secret: "I think, for me, I knew going in that it was going to be a harrowing, emotional experience for me as a person and as an actress because it's all about saying goodbye and loss and coming face-to-face with choices that you've made maybe in a part of your life when you weren't developed and able to make the best choices for yourself and those around you. And in the end, love is all that prevails. And these are - these are qualities and issues that are very close to my heart, and so it was a very moving experience to actually get to play out those scenarios. ... And this movie, I think, is really beautiful in its celebration of life and everything that life brings with it. And in the end, you know, there's closure for all of these characters in a very graceful, grace-filled way, you know. So I think that -- I think that people will love it, you know, and be truly engaged to go on this journey with these characters."

As a viewer, I usually love graceful movies about love prevailing that proved harrowing for the performers.

Ed Asner actually realizes that he's sounding like an old coot in the middle of a traditional "In my day..." screed about halfway through, but presses on admirably nonetheless in sharing his thoughts on the entertainment industry: "I think it's been in horrible shape for a good while. I think that, uh -- that, uh -- I mean, you're talking to somebody who came to California in '61, while the studio system was still in effect, while there were three big networks, uh, uh, and everything was based on tradition. And, uh, to find tradition now is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Everything's on the cheap. You're going to have -- you're going to have -- Hallmark is like a white elephant from the past. But in every other area it's -- it's a 30-second sound bite. Uh, I -- you know, people get tired of hearing old geezers talk about the past so -- but the loss of tradition. The best example I can give you is when I came to California in '61, my first time out at MGM, and it was all white. It was like the city on the hill. And I went to the commissary to have lunch, and there was Marlon Brando and there was this one over there, and it was nothing but lush and glorious. And then, I did a few shows at MGM during those years. Then, I didn't go back for a long time. Finally I went back and Kirk Kerkorian had taken over MGM by then. And it was like the city on the hill had sunk into the ghetto. The streets were half the width because there were carts with lumber and this and that. It was -- it looked like a dump. And it stayed a dump. I don't know what -- I guess Sony has it now, don't they? I don't know what it looks like now, but it was amazing to see the deterioration. And that kind of deterioration is taking place - Paramount still looks decent. Studio Center, CBS looks decent, um, and I guess, you know, Disney and those places. But it was shocking to see what happened to MGM because it was the king. And -- and I think a lot of that deterioration, a lot of that disappointment, a lot of that sadness took place in the industry. Tradition went by the boards. And, uh, I think what everyone in Hollywood is seeking now is to find a stabilization out of the chaos that we have endured for the past five, six years, maybe more, with runaway production, with reality shows. And, um, I mean, who owns the network this week? It's that type of thing."

He's right - it is that type of thing.

Even if you'd be shocked to learn that there are still cars with sticks left on the road - and even if you don't even know what that means - you'd still no doubt enjoy listening to Click & Clack's "Car Talk" show on NPR. Tom and Ray Magliozzi are auto enthusiasts nonpareil with thick Boston accents who offer callers incredibly perceptive-sounding diagnoses on whatever's ailing their cars, be it a '72 Chevy Vega or the latest Toyota Prius, and do so with an infectious sense of humor, even if they're violating the first rule of comedy which stipulates: Never Laugh at Your Own Jokes.

So let's look under the hood of their new animated PBS series, "As the Wrench Turns," and see what's gone wrong, shall we?

Ah, this is easier to diagnose than a worn-out fan belt on a '68 Mustang: Click & Clack's new show suffers from not enough Click & Clack. They're but bit players in their own show, resigned to the backseat as less interesting characters are allowed to take the wheel.

"As the Wrench Turns" features Click & Clack as PBS entrenchments who also run their own garage with a predictable stable of sidekicks. It's a bad sign when the opening-credit sequence ends like almost every bad '70s animated series did, with the cast meta-laughing at a lame joke.

In Wednesday's debut episode, Click & Clack are not holding up their end in raising funds for the latest in PBS's many pledge drives, and so, their show is in jeopardy. (The jabs at PBS, which could've been inspired, are instead wan, predictable stuff about pledge-drive tote bags and coffee mugs.) So, their friends decide, through logic that I injected into my PlotGenerator10X.1.23.googol and nearly blew the thing up, that they should run for President - their matching funds will create enough for PBS's coffers, and allow them to chatter away another day.

Except that they make for lousy communicators-in-chief. Whether the issue is health care or immigration, they abandon the talking points they've been issued and twist it into a blinkered metaphor for cars, confusing the voting populace and despairing their handlers. But they achieve a smidgen of traction with voters when they declare, "Mechanics make mistakes. But unlike politicians, we have to fix our mistakes."

But what utterly undoes what's supposed to pass for humor on the show is its horribly dated references. A James Carville doppelganger turns up to manage Click & Clack's campaign - and that's the hippest reference the episode can manage. When Click & Clack appear at a debate, they're pitted against not-terribly-funny parodies of Nixon and Kennedy. Yes - in 2008, one show has the bold temerity to parody politics from a half-century back.

We can't wait for next week's episode, an eviscerating satire of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act. What a car wreck.

-- "Click & Clack's As the Wrench Turns:" 8 tonight, PBS (KCET Channel 28).

Fox News Channel can dish it out, but they apparently can't take it. The home of pundits who have variously confused Barack Obama with Osama bin Laden and said, oh what the heck - shoot them both and decried his "terrorist fist-jab" and referred to Michelle Obama as Barack's "baby mama" has thin skin when it comes to media coverage of Fox News itself.

Case in point: The New York Times recently ran an article about ratings among the cable news channels, and while acknowledging Fox was still No. 1, noted that CNN was becoming competitive. This didn't sit well with the blowhards at Fox, for some reason, who declared the reporter a lapdog for a Times editor with a beef against the Fox empire and distorted the reporter's photo:

Well, that's all nice and grown-up, isn't it? So the Times' David Carr notes today that this is part of a pattern at Fox News:

"Earlier this year, a colleague of mine said, he was writing a story about CNN's gains in the ratings and was told on deadline by a Fox News public relations executive that if he persisted, 'they' would go after him. Within a day, 'they' did, smearing him around the blogs, he said. ... (R)eporters I talked to who say they have received e-mail messages from Fox News public relations staff that contained doctored photos, anonymous quotes and nasty items about competitors. And two former Fox employees said that they had participated in precisely those kinds of activities but had signed confidentiality agreements and could not say so on the record."

He spoke to Brian Lewis in Fox's public relations department, who said, "Yes, we are an aggressive department in a passive industry, and believe me, the executives and talent appreciate it," and added that today's technology quick-spinning news cycle required, in Carr's words, this "new kind of engagement and activism."

Carr's point was that covering Fox News Channel is a real pain in the @ss, that a reporter can expect nothing but grief and likely a series of unreturned phone calls while working on a story about the network.

To which I say: Why bother covering them at all? Every time one of Fox News' more preposterous bloviations becomes a story, that gives the network more credibility to those who don't watch it, suggesting that their behavior merits serious attention. When, in fact, those little burps of lunatic commentary merely reveals an insular little world catering to like-minded troglodytes - good luck to them, but the real world doesn't deserve to be subjected to such pernicious nonsense.

But, to demonstrate that I harbor no ill will towards Fox News' hit squad, I hereby offer them a recent photo of me that I dare them to make more unflattering in Photoshop:

Have fun, guys!

That was a potential title for a TV show featuring Elvis Mitchell, the NPR host and former New York Times movie critic (and - in the interest of full disclosure - friend to Your Mayor, which is how I knew that little factoid). The title of Elvis' new show on Turner Classic Movies, "Elvis Mitchell: Under the Influence," isn't as catchy but it does encapsulate what the show is about - filmmakers and actors discuss the films and performances that inspired them.

"Under the Influence" has the feel of a retro talk show - say, perhaps, Dick Cavett's - it's more concerned with substance than style or energy. Monday's debut show is, sadly, of a timely nature, as Elvis conducted one of the last interviews the late director/producer/surprisingly-good-actor Sydney Pollack gave. Pollack tells an amusing "Tootsie" anecdote about Dustin Hoffman's efforts to woo him to play his agent in the film that Pollack also directed - but, if you read between the lines, it kind of sounds like Hoffman didn't respect him all that much.

Which is borne out next week, when Mitchell interviews Bill Murray, who tells a couple of funny "Tootsie" stories confirming the conflagrations that occurred on that set between Pollack and Hoffman. They'd argue over whether the sun was out, Murray jokes, but what's truly revelatory about his exchange with Elvis is how thoughtful and insightful he can be about the art of film acting.

You've likely never seen Murray so reflective. Part of this is due to the fact that Murray and Mitchell are pals, so the ordinarily reticent interviewee Murray opens up in ways he usually doesn't, but part of it is due to the fact that when Elvis interviews people, he doesn't lob them too many softballs but intuitively asks them questions they can really chew on.

In the July 14 episode, Murray discusses how actors shift the emphasis to their colleagues and how, after seeing a Clint Eastwood movie and watching how masterfully Eastwood brought out his co-stars, he approached Clint about doing a movie together (he wanted to play the sidekick who got killed and instigated Clint's killing spree, which, of course, never happened).

He also discusses a number of movies that have moved him, and how they humble him every time he walks on the set of a film. Even making bad movies is hard work, he tells Elvis, which is why he has such a hard time with hackery and why his reputation for being "difficult" should be seen in a different light once you watch this.

- "Elvis Mitchell: Under the Influence:" Mondays at 5 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. (PCT), Turner Classic Movies. On Monday at 5:30 p.m., TCM will present Pollack's film "Tootsie;" at 8 p.m., it will air "An American in Paris," one of the films Pollack discusses on the show. On July 14, TCM will broadcast two of the classics Bill Murray champions, "A Night at the Opera" at 5:30 p.m. and "North by Northwest" at 8 p.m.

With the advent of TV Press Tour, the young TV critic's mind is filled with thoughts of:

Which then fills my mind with thoughts of this:

Three weeks of people dishonestly and/or delusionally explicating how their fetid programming approaches new levels of genius and will change the face of television forever begin Tuesday! As an added bonus, the broadcast networks will offer ever more Byzantine explanations as to why they're not in all that much trouble, despite what you've heard.

I've already picked out the straight razor that will empty my veins when a straight-faced producer insists that his/her show is truly inventive and not just picked up by a network because it was cheap to produce! Visit here early and often for a front seat to what may be, thanks to Jesse Helms' recent death, America's vastest repository of ill-considered buffoonery!

Now those sadists at The Envelope are just f@%&ing with us: They're landing the finalists in categories that no one really cares about (guest performances, which almost invariably go to a big name who is slumming, not to a really great performance, so who really cares?), but they still haven't figured out who're the finalists in the Best Actor Comedy category; they're teasing us with seven of the 10 nominees. And I thought you guys ran a crack outfit.

Nonetheless, they've managed to eke out this:

TOP 10 FINALISTS: SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTRESS

Kristin Chenoweth, "Pushing Daisies" (ABC)
Conchata Ferrell, "Two and a Half Men" (CBS)

Jenna Fischer, "The Office" (NBC)


(Apparently, this is not from a scene from the actual show, which explains its relatively low ratings.)
Jane Krakowski, "30 Rock" (NBC)

Judith Light, "Ugly Betty" (ABC)

Elizabeth Perkins, "Weeds" (Showtime)

Amy Poehler, "Saturday Night Live" (NBC)

Jean Smart, "Samantha Who? (ABC)

Holland Taylor, "Two and a Half Men" (CBS)

Vanessa Williams, "Ugly Betty" (ABC)

Well, I guess the most offending finalist is Poehler - do you really want to honor someone who's only able to tip you to the fact that she's doing comedy by being one of maybe five people laughing at her material? I would've replaced her in a heartbeat with "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's" Kaitlin Olsen or "Curb Your Enthusiasm's" Cheryl Hines or "Ugly Betty's" Becki Newton.

Anyway, of this bunch, I'll go with Chenoweth, Fischer, Krakowski, Smart and Williams, though next year, I'd definitely pencil in Perkins, given how redeemably funny she's been on a kind of lackluster "Weeds" year.

And here's what they've cooked up so far for Best Actor in a Comedy:

Definite finalists:

Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock" (NBC) 

Steve Carell, "The Office" (NBC) 

Larry David, "Curb Your Enthusiasm" (HBO) 

David Duchovny, "Californication" (Showtime) 


(Well, if I did it with Fischer, it's only fair to do it with a guy, too, though this shot would be more at home in the Daily News' "Out in Hollywood" blog.)
Lee Pace, "Pushing Daisies" (ABC) 

Tony Shalhoub, "Monk" (USA) 

Charlie Sheen, "Two and a Half Men" (CBS)

They declare Kelsey Grammer of Fox's "Back to You" a no-go, then offer these possible finalists:

Zach Braff, "Scrubs" (NBC) 

Jemaine Clement, "Flight of the Conchords" (HBO) 

Kevin Connolly, "Entourage" (HBO)
Johnny Galecki, "The Big Bang Theory" *CBS) 

Brad Garrett, "'Til Death" (Fox) 

Adrian Grenier, "Entourage" (HBO) 

Jason Lee, "My Name Is Earl" (NBC) 

Bret McKenzie, "Flight of the Conchords" (HBO) 

Jim Parsons, "Big Bang Theory" (CBS) 

Josh Radnor, "How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)

I can't think of any better explanation for the ruined ratings fortunes of TV comedy than the fact that a number of the above names are even being considered as representing the best the genre has to offer us these days. Nonetheless, of these, I'll go with (in alphabetical order) Baldwin, Carell, Clement, McKenzie and Parsons (which should not be construed as a wholehearted endorsement for his show), though clearly Clement and McKenzie will cancel one another out because they depend so heavily upon the other's equally deadpan work on "Flight of the Conchords."

Thoughts, anyone?

Those well-connected scamps at The Envelope have revealed the Top 10 finalists in the categories of Dramatic Actor, Dramatic Actress and Supporting Actor in a Comedy. And they are:

TOP 10 SEMIFINALISTS: BEST DRAMA ACTOR 


Gabriel Byrne, "In Treatment" (HBO)
Kyle Chandler, "Friday Night Lights" (NBC)
Bryan Cranston, "Breaking Bad" (AMC)

Patrick Dempsey, "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)
Michael C. Hall, "Dexter (Showtime)
Jon Hamm, "Mad Men" (AMC)
Eddie Izzard, "The Riches" (FX)
Hugh Laurie, "House" (Fox)
Denis Leary, "Rescue Me" (FX)
James Spader, "Boston Legal" (ABC)

Whittling this one down to five is tough. But I'll go with Cranston, Hall, Hamm, Izzard and Laurie (with Leary dangling by a thread). Your thoughts?

TOP 10 SEMIFINALISTS: BEST ACTRESS, DRAMA

Patricia Arquette, "Medium" (NBC)
Glenn Close, "Damages" (FX)
Minnie Driver, "The Riches" (FX)
Sally Field, "Brothers and Sisters" (ABC)
Mariska Hargitay, "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" (NBC)
Holly Hunter, "Saving Grace" (TNT)

Elisabeth Moss, "Mad Men" (AMC)
Mary McDonnell, "Battlestar Galactica" (Sci Fi Channel)
Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer" (TNT)
Jeanne Tripplehorn, "Big Love" (HBO)

Again, tough choices, but I'd like to see Close, Driver, Hunter, Moss and Sedgwick nominated. Your thoughts?

TOP 10 SEMIFINALISTS: COMEDY SUPPORTING ACTOR

Jon Cryer, "Two and a Half Men" (CBS)
Kevin Dillon, "Entourage" (HBO)
Justin Kirk, "Weeds" (Showtime)
Neil Patrick Harris, "How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)
John Krasinski, "The Office" (NBC)
Jack McBrayer, "30 Rock" (NBC)
Tracy Morgan, "30 Rock" (NBC)
Jeremy Piven, "Entourage" (HBO)
Fred Willard, "Back to You" (Fox)

Rainn Wilson, "The Office" (NBC)

Remember, these are not predictions, because who can predict what a group that has never even nominated "The Wire" for Best Drama is going to cook up? These are just personal faves. And they are, in this category: Harris, Krasinski, McBrayer, Willard and Wilson. And again, feel free to champion your own favorites in the comments section.

And probably, we'll all be wrong. Because that's just how the Academy rolls.

The spoiler anarchists over at The Envelope, who were responsible for the the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences revealing the Top 10 finalists in the Best Drama and Best Comedy categories, are at it again - they're trickling out the Top 10 (or 11) in the acting categories, as well. And here's the shocker: ABC is absolutely trouncing everyone else. Of the 31 finalists listed below, more than half - 16, to be precise - are from ABC shows.

Now, we don't know if that means that a lot of ABC employees dedicated their time to helping select the nominees, or whether it means that ABC has the finest actors available anywhere (though we kind of doubt that). And, by the time that the nominees are actually announced, ABC's domination may not be so prominent. Nonetheless, it's a curious development.

And the finalists are:

BEST COMEDY ACTRESS 


Christina Applegate, "Samantha Who?" (ABC)
Marcia Cross, "Desperate Housewives" (ABC)
America Ferrera, "Ugly Betty" (ABC)
Tina Fey, "30 Rock" (NBC)

Anna Friel, "Pushing Daisies" (ABC)
Felicity Huffman, "Desperate Housewives" (ABC)
Eva Longoria Parker, "Desperate Housewives" (ABC)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "New Adventures of Old Christine" (CBS)
Mary-Louise Parker, "Weeds" (Showtime)
Sarah Silverman, "The Sarah Silverman Program" (Comedy Central)

So who would you pick as your Final Five? I'll go with Applegate, Fey, Friel, (Mary-Louise) Parker and Silverman, though I doubt Silverman or Friel will make the cut and will be replaced by Ferrara or one of the housewives.

BEST SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTRESS

Jane Alexander, "Tell Me You Love Me" (HBO)
Candice Bergen, "Boston Legal" (ABC)
Rose Byrne, "Damages" (FX)
Jill Clayburgh, "Dirty Sexy Money" (ABC)
Sharon Gless, "Burn Notice" (USA)
Rachel Griffiths, "Brothers and Sisters" (ABC)

Christina Hendricks, "Mad Men" (AMC)
S. Epatha Merkerson, "Law and Order" (NBC)
Sandra Oh, "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)
Dianne Wiest, "In Treatment" (HBO)
Chandra Wilson, "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)

Bergen, Clayburgh and Gless all turn in essentially comedic performances, so I'll go with Alexander, Griffiths, Hendricks, Merkerson and Wiest, though Mia Wasikowska as the playful but seriously troubled teen Sophie was remarkable on "In Treatment," better even than Wiest, and probably deserved not just a nomination but to win. But there you go. And you?

BEST SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTOR

Naveen Andrews, "Lost" (ABC)
Bruce Dern, "Big Love" (HBO)
Christian Clemenson, "Boston Legal" (ABC)
Ted Danson, "Damages" (FX)

Michael Emerson, "Lost" (ABC)
Zeljko Ivanek, "Damages" (FX)
T.R. Knight, "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)
William Shatner, "Boston Legal" (ABC)
John Slattery, "Mad Men" (AMC)
Blair Underwood, "In Treatment" (HBO)
Jake Weber, "Medium" (NBC)

Me: Andrews, Danson, Emerson, Slattery and Underwood. You: (well, fill in the blank).

Last week, we discussed poop as a viable subject for TeeVee entertainment (did anyone see "All About Dung" last night? Was it crappy?). This week, it falls upon us to examine another form of bodily elimination transformed into edifying programming, and this, on a weekly basis: Puking.

(Who knew that the elimination of human waste had the wherewithal to become a TV genre? Oh, that's right - there's reality TV in general.)

Cable network G4 will premiere "Hurl!" on July 15 at 9 p.m. It's not just about vomiting - it's a speed-eating competition show and, well, urping just happens to be a happy side-effect, apparently. Per the press release:

"Brave contestants consume massive portions of all-American favorites and are then strapped into nausea-inducing contraptions designed to shake them up. The contestant to hold his or her food down the longest claims victory and walks away with a cash prize and, most importantly, serious bragging rights. Challenge winners with the best time who complete all rounds without hurling at any point, earn the highly coveted and elusive 'Iron Stomach Award.' ...

"The competition consists of multiple rounds beginning with a speed-eating contest that features popular foods ranging from chicken pot pies to New England chowder, tuna casserole, hot dogs, blueberry pie and more. In the second round, contenders that ate the most in Round One move on to a physical challenge designed to cause even the strongest stomachs to rebel, including carnival rides, mechanical bull-riding and Sumo wrestling."

Now, that's entertainment of the finest caliber, and one can only hope that G4 is available in high-definition. Heretofore, the only program that induced vomiting was "According to Jim." (And, again, heartfelt thanks are due me for my remarkable restraint in the graphics department - you try a Google Images search on the subject and see what you find. Or better yet, don't.)

At this point we've proven our allegiance to "Mad Men." But it's damnably hard to write about a good show if its creators don't want you to write about anything that happens in it. The first episode of season two, airing July 27, recently arrived, along with the following missive:

"We respectfully ask you to let viewers discover for themselves the pivotal storyline moments during 'MAD MEN'S' season two. We hope you agree that this is the best way for the audience to experience the full impact of the series, its nuances and dramatic revelations. We kindly ask that you not reveal these prior to the airing of each episode."

OK, sure, I can get behind that (spoiler: We're not in the spoiler business here), but what constitutes a "pivotal storyline?" Nonetheless, in keeping with AMC's no-spoiler request, here goes; here's what happens in episode one:

* Pete's (Vincent Kartheiser) wife helps him put on his cufflinks.

* Sterling Cooper gets a big ole copying machine the size of a Buick.

Well, that certainly sounds like a pulse-pounding episode, doesn't it?

So, since I can't share any spoilers on the second-season premiere, maybe I can provide further insight via spoilers on the images in the GAF ViewMaster gewgaw and its attendant image disks that accompanied the first-episode screener (last year, they sent a dress shirt with a lipstick smooch on the collar, which no doubt went over well with critics' wives).

Reel One: Bits from the title sequence. But not in 3-D, which is what those ViewMasters were all about.

Reel Two: Aphorisms from the first season: "Sometimes when people get what they want, they realize how limited their goals were" and "When God closes a door, he opens a dress." Again, not in 3-D, and good luck getting the thing to advance reliably from image to image, but Pete gets as lucky here as he pretty much got. (Is that a season-two spoiler? Probably not, but, if so, sorry!)

Reel Three: Ominous shots of characters, with even more ominous title cards (again, no 3-D, as you have to close an eye to be able to read the title cards, which read, variously (not to give any spoilers away): "Her mistake," "His desperation," "Her fantasies," "His fear" and so on.

My "mistake"/"desperation"/"fear"/"fantasy:" Thinking that quality is simply enough for a good show, that avalanches of hype are necessary mainly to get people excited about middling shows.

But, hey! "Mad Men" season one is out on DVD today! Get one for someone you want to sexually harass!