The Parallel Universe Fall-TV Schedule

Friend to this blog and creator of the reason the Internets were invented, The Parallel Universe Film Guide, Spencer Green has issued his annual faux fall-TV schedule. Actually, it's the real fall-TV schedule, only the shows have more honest - or, at least, more gleefully misanthropic - titles.

Spencer's keyboard has a real potty mouth, so I've tried to clean up some of his verbiage as best I can and yet maintain the spirit of his tastelessness. Enjoy.

2008 FALL TV SCHEDULE

MONDAY

8-9

ABC - Simplifying Federal Tax Codes With the Stars

CBS - Oh, Those Geeks and Their Unloved Co¢%$; Not Half As Clever As It Thinks It Is

NBC - The Computer Wore a Pocket Protector

FOX - No Offense to Summer Glau or Lena Headey But Schwarzenegger's @ss Was Tighter

CW - Can't Get Enough Rich, Spoiled s!

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

9 - 10

ABC - Hasn't TV Taught Us That In Order to Restore an Amnesiac's Memory, All One Needs to Do Is Hit Said Amnesiac On the Head With a Two-by-Four?

CBS - Christ, The Kid On This Is Starting to Look Like Junior Samples; Anything That Gives Gainful Employment to Kurtwood Smith Is Okay By Me

NBC - Will Any of Them Be Fighting King Tut (Victor Buono)?

FOX - Is He Studying Birds Now or Trying to Secure Attorneys for Criminal Defendants or What?

CW - Let Them Fast Forward 60 Years So They're All Dead

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

10 - 11

ABC - When F. Scott Fitzgerald Said "There Are No Second Acts in American Lives," He Was Clearly Not Thinking Of William Shatner

CBS - CSI: Wasilla, Alaska

NBC - Which Personality Will Get the Pink Slip?

TNT - When a David E. Kelley Door Closes, a Steven Bochco Window Opens

MTV - See "Can't Get Enough Rich, Spoiled s!"

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

TUESDAY

8-9

ABC - Families Cut Each Other, Wait, Then Pick the Scabs Open

CBS - If Anyone Reading Has Actually Watched an Entire Episode of This, I Will Give You a Cookie **

NBC - Weight Loss + Families + Inspiration = Multi-Colored Fusillade of Vomit

FOX - He's Still a Brilliant, Self-Pitying @sshole, Right? Okay, Just Checking--See You Next Year

CW - The One Show That Makes the Original Look Good By Comparison

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

9 - 10

ABC - Census Taking With the Stars

CBS - I See...Three Weeks

FOX - Just to Put Things In Perspective, J.J. Abrams Once Wrote the Screenplays for "Regarding Henry" and "Forever Young"

CW - Rich, Spoiled s Learn Things!

Bravo - The Real Housewives of Gasoline Alley

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

10 - 11

ABC - Dreamy Lawyer (Who Dreams)!

CBS - Try Looking for Human Dignity, Huh? If You Can Find That, Let Me Know, Huh? Thank You

NBC - Law & Order: Alec Baldwin Suicide Watch Unit

MTV - Rich, Spoiled s Need Friends!

E! - The Hepatitis C Has Mutated Into a Virus Which Causes Her Heart to Explode If She's Not On Camera Somewhere

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

WEDNESDAY

8-9

ABC - Overcooked Whimsy Pie Rammed Down Your Gullet

CBS - Boy, Does Wanda Sykes Annoy Me; Gee, I Hope Jay Mohr's Book About This When It Dies Is As Entertaining As The One He Wrote About "Saturday Night Live"

NBC - Unfortunately, It Only Gets Two Miles In the City, Three On the Highway

FOX - Hot Damn, Those Deschanel Girls!

CW - Please Explain Exactly How Tyra Banks Reconciles This With the "Body Issues" Episodes Of Her Other Show

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

9 - 10

ABC - Best Argument For HMOs

CBS - All the Serial Killers in America Team Up and Form an Evil Justice League

NBC - Not Fit to Hold the Jock Strap of "Match Game"

FOX - He's Tall, She Has Big T!t$, So There You Have It; The Reason Why Three-Camera Shows Are Dead

CW - The Wussification of America Knows No Bounds

DirecTV - Get Tom Brady to Guest Star, I Hear He's Not Doing Anything

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

10 - 11

ABC - One Can Only Hope the Lehman Brothers Bankruptcy Sends Them All to Hell

CBS - CSI: Kilimanjaro

NBC - I'm Confused--If Nobody Watches a Show and Nobody Talks About a Show, Doesn't It Generally Get Axed?

FX - They Shot Captain America On the Causeway

E! - Untitled Pat O'Brien Reality Show To Be Determined

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

THURSDAY

8-9

ABC - Now 30 Percent More Arch!

CBS - Survivor: Hoa Lo Prison

NBC - Unless Earl and Randy Get Raped By the Kid From "Deliverance," I Don't Plan to Watch; We've Run Out of British Sitcoms to Steal So Now We're Ripping Off Ones From Australia

FOX - We Drill Holes In People's Heads and See If the Pennies We Drop In Them Fit

CW - When Does General Zod Show Up?

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

9 - 10

ABC - Dear Katherine Heigl: This Season, All Of Izzie's Sub-Plots Will Involve Her Sitting In a Corner and Staring at the Wall--Love, the Writers

CBS - CSI: 13 Rue Madeleine

NBC - Rainn Wilson and John Krasinski: Definitely Keep Your Day Jobs; I Would Comment on the Incessant, Unyielding Tina Fey Media Circle Jerk But Dammit, the Show's Funny

FOX - Tonight's Special: Apoplectic Brit En Croate

CW - Look at Me, Damien! It's All For You!

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

10 - 11

ABC - A Quinn Martin Production! Tonight's Episode: Green Eggs and Death

CBS - A Procedural Show From Jerry Bruckheimer? Whaaaaaaat?!

NBC - In the Final Episode, It's All a Figment of Dr. Westphall's Kid's Imagination

USA - Law & Order: Endlessly Rotating Lead Actors Unit

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

FRIDAY

8-9

ABC - We Switch Babies At Birth, Give Them Back to Their Real Families Five Years Later and Let the Fireworks Kersplode!

CBS - Will George and Marion Kirby Ever Show Up And Teach Jennifer Love Hewitt How To Loosen Up?

NBC - America's Shiniest Foreheads

FOX - Are You Less Talented Than Dane Cook? ***

CW - I Think By Now Everybody Is Just Indifferent To Him; Whatever Follows "I Think By Now Everybody Is Just Indifferent To Him"

Disney - When Walt Is Defrosted, He'll Be Happy to See His Company Is Still Doing Crap With Twins

VH1 - How Many More Useless Lists of Pop Culture Detritus Can We Spew? I Think You'll Be Pleasantly Surprised

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

9 - 10

ABC - Practically Puerile In Every Way

CBS - Hot Chick Can't Find Romance! Boo Mother F#¢%ing Hoo!

NBC - Seriously, I Want to Meet the Executive Who Greenlit This--How About "Extreme Barry Lyndon" Next?

FOX - Uh...So When Does "24" Start?

CW - Remember When Eleanor Roosevelt and Margaret Sanger Were Role Models For Young Women? I Feel 120 Years Old

VH1 - Top 100 Things You Could Be Doing Instead of Watching This Sh!t

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

10 - 11

ABC - 20/20: We're On the Air To Make "Dateline NBC" Look Good

CBS - All the Serial Killers Kicked Out of the Evil Justice League End Up On This Show

NBC - Yes, Moving This From Wednesdays at 10pm to Fridays at 10pm Will Surely Help Things

USA - If I Have a Choice Between Watching Debra Messing In This or Debra Messing In the Remake Of "The Women," I Will Take a Garrote Around My B@!!s

Starz - Even More Foul Than Its Movie Progenitor

G4 - We Sew Up People's Anuses, Then Give Them Fleet Enemas and Have a Good Ol' Time

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

SATURDAY

8-9

ABC - Who Will Be the Next Peyton Manning? Who Will Be Serving You Fish Tacos?

CBS - Yes Folks, We Used To Be The Tiffany Network

NBC - Dateline NBC: We're On the Air to Make "20/20" Look Good

FOX - Fun With Tasers!

CW - Billy Graham Crusade From 1974

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

9 - 10

CBS - Crimetime Saturday: Hercule Poirot, Miss Marple, Ellery Queen and Sherlock Holmes Play Gin Rummy, Make S'Mores

NBC - And Network Executives Continue to Scratch Their Heads And Wonder Why, Oh Why Audiences Continue to Leave In Droves

FOX - Maybe John Walsh Can Take Over For Jerry Lewis and the MDA Telethon--If Anyone Can Find a Cure, John Can

CW - Reruns of "Mayberry R.F.D."; Reruns of "Camp Runamuck"

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

10 - 11

ABC - Seeing That You're Home on Saturday Night...

CBS - Why Not Try the Fabulous Film Parody Website:

NBC - The Parallel Universe Film Guide (parallelfilmguide.com)

AMC - And Now the Plug Is Over

SUNDAY

8-9

ABC - Attention: Spend the Whole Season in Galveston, Texas and Make Yourselves Useful

CBS - This Year the Couples Include Neo-Nazi Bounty Hunters, Headless Interior Designers and Two Newlywed Salamanders

NBC - Being From Miami, I Notice the Dolphins Are Not Currently Scheduled to Appear Here And I, For One, Am Shocked

FOX - How 'Bout a Crazy Wedding Where Something Happens and Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo; Most Underrated Show Ever, I Tell You Whut

CW - Crap of the Titans

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

9 - 10

ABC - Remember When People Talked About This Show? Really? What Did They Say?

CBS - Investigate How This Has Been On For Six Seasons

FOX - If I Rip Off "The Simpsons" and Make a Lifetime's Worth of Bad "Star Wars" Jokes, Can I Get $100,000,000, Too?; Really--Can I?

CW - Maybe They Can Bail Out Washington Mutual When It Goes Into the Toilet

Showtime - He Can Be the King of the Evil Justice League!

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

10 - 11

ABC - I'm Guessing Jon Robin Baitz's Stories About This Show Are a Whole Lot More Interesting Than the Show

CBS - If Our Government Lavished One-Tenth the Effort It Takes to Make This, Bin Laden Would Be Dead and Ahmadinejad Our B!tch

HBO - Hollywood Sure Spends a Lot of Money Being Scathing About Itself

Showtime - Mr. Duchovny Can't Be With Us Tonight Due To a Prior Engagement Of F#¢%ing Anything That Moves, Please Make a Note Of It

AMC - Did We Mention We've Got "Mad Men"? "Mad Men," In All Its Heavy-Handed, Douglas Sirk-In-Slow Motion, Hindsight-Festooned Glory! "Mad Men!"

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