If They Don't Win, It's a Shame

NEW YORK (AP) - Fox Sports executives, panic-stricken over the prospect of an historically low-rated World Series between the Philadelphia Phillies and the Tampa Bay Rays, are resorting to drastic measures to assure a more potent match-up in the Fall Classic.

"We have research that shows if the Phillies and the Rays play, not even certain members of the players' families would watch," David Hill, CEO of Fox Sports, said late Tuesday, after the Rays beat the Boston Red Sox 13-4 to go up three games to one in the American League Championship Series. In the National League, the Phillies also lead 3-1, over the Los Angeles Dodgers.

"A Phillies-Rays match-up benefits no one - not the fans, not the Fox Sports production crew who enjoy partying in cosmopolitan cities after a game, and certainly not the great sport of baseball, the American pastime, for chrissake," Hill continued. "Is Tampa Bay even really part of America? I haven't checked."

"It's clear that a Dodgers-Red Sox Series would capture the imagination of Americans in a magical way that Philadelphia and Tampa Bay couldn't even hope to aspire to," play-by-play announcer Joe Buck said. "The high drama of pitting Manny Ramirez against a team he soured on and a city that now hates him is off the charts, before the first pitch is even thrown. And in America, you give the people what they want, or they turn on you. If they want a nice lobster meal, you don't hand them a sh!t sandwich. If they want Hillary Clinton, you don't offer them Sarah Palin - you saw how that's turning out, so you don't want to irritate sports fans with an inferior World Series."

After a hastily arranged brainstorming session, Fox executives, working in conjunction with MLB league officials, hit upon a plan to replace the umpires with characters from Fox programs. Characters to take the field to umpire the remaining games in the respective series include flibbertigibbet Marge Simpson, "Family Guy" patriarch Peter Griffin, Chloe, the petulant computer whiz on "24," Walter Bishop, the wacky mad scientist on "Fringe," Gregory House, a pill-popping crank and avowed Red Sox fan, and "American Idol" whack-job Paula Abdul.

"Look at the umpiring during these series - it's been nearly impeccable, and that's really hurt the Dodgers and the Red Sox," Buck said. "They've been reasonably consistent in calling balls and strikes, replay has shown that they got most close calls correct, and the umpiring crew masterfully defused a potentially incendiary situation in game three of the NLCS when Shane Victorino responded angrily to the high-and-tight pitch. Ordinarily, that's the sort of umpiring you want, but these are not ordinary times. These new umpires, with their unhinged or depleted mental capacities, should prove capable of throwing the games in the Dodgers' and Red Sox' favor."

"This is a perfect arrangement for us, because this way, we'll be able to give America a compelling World Series for the ages, and at the same time, we'll be able to aggressively inject the Fox brand into the proceedings," Fox Entertainment chairman Peter Liguori enthused. "Baseball fans will be introduced to some of the colorful characters that populate Fox's stable of quality programs and, who knows? Maybe when the series is over, they'll be inspired to stick around and watch an episode of "Fringe."

Bud Selig, Commissioner of Major League Baseball, said, "Sure, purists of the sport may kvetch over this arrangement, but surely, purists would also prefer to see the Red Sox and Dodgers duke it out in the Fall Classic. So, really, this is win-win for everybody."

"I'd love to play in the World Series, but I understand why Fox and MLB are doing this," said a player on the Tampa Bay Rays that no one has ever heard of. "I wouldn't watch a Rays-Phillies match-up, and I'd be playing in it."

Also tapped to umpire will be fifth graders from "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" who live in the Southern California and Boston areas.