TV responds to the Global Market Meltdown

(Aspiring actors trek to audition for the upcoming show "Two and a Half Hoboes.")

Responding to the abysmal news from the global markets, the networks have announced new programming to reflect our current economic calamity:

ABC: "Who Wants to Be a Hundred-aire?" Contestants answer questions in order to win the grand prize of $100. The only difference: No lifelines.

Fox: "Are You Smarter than a Financial Executive?" Sample question: "A prospective homebuyer wants you to lend him money with no viable assets to borrow against. What do you do?"

CBS: "The Desperate Race." Contestants traverse Dust-Bowl America by jumping train rails to wretched destinations in search of such exotic prizes such as tepid canned soup and melon rinds.

(The first contestants in this leg of the race are treated to crusts of stale bread!)

The CW: "Underprivileged." An over-educated young woman gets a job tutoring spoiled brats in one of Palm Beach's nicest refrigerator boxes.

NBC: "The Biggest Loser." Instead of weight - heck, anyone can lose weight when they can't afford food - participants in this show strive to lose the most money on the stock market. In case of a tie - and there'll invariably be a tie - the winner/loser/whatever-you-want-to-call-it will be decided in a Thunderdome-style cage fight.

MTV: "My Not-Entirely-Miserable 16." Extravagantly pampered teenage girls celebrate their sweet-16 birthdays with their surviving friends, feasting on food scraps scavenged from abandoned factories and listening to 8-track tapes in a rusted-out '72 Chevy Vega.

(She may be enduring hard times, but this young beauty is enjoying a 16th birthday she'll always remember.)

VH1: "Worst Week Ever." Emaciated comedians make jokes about the pop-culture events of the past week, all involving starving children and breadline riots.

National Geographic Channel: "The Dog Caterer." Cesar Millan can no longer afford to rehabilitate poorly behaved dogs, so he comes up with vaguely acceptable recipes so the pooches' owners can feast on something besides paint chips.

G4: "Tech Toys." Examining the latest in technology, such as sticks that can both hold your bindle and ward off foragers trying to steal your moldy carrots and iPhones that no longer work but can be used as pillows.

Sci Fi Channel: "Are There Any Cylon Overlords Out There Who Want to Enslave Us for Three Squares and a Cot?" The producers of "Battlestar Galactica" decide the scenario proposed by their show wasn't so bad, after all.

Also, CNBC and TV Land will merge to create a nostalgic channel offering reruns of old financial shows in which experts discuss bull markets. All the home makeover shows will be cancelled because no one has any houses to remodel. And Comedy Central will rename itself Sorrow Central because no one can laugh anymore.