The Mayor of Television's Christmas Spectacular

MAYOR OF TELEVISION: Hello, and welcome to the annual Mayor of Television Christmas special! It's been an eventful year, to say the least, so it's a wonderful and particularly timely time to reverently celebrate the reason for the season!

Unfortunately, a lot of my friends have lost their jobs in the past year, so there's not a lot under the tree - heck, there's not even a tree this year due to budgetary constraints! My guests are Scarlett Johansson, Rod Blagojevich, David Spade and Bea Arthur ... oh, wait, more budgetary constraints. But that doesn't mean we can't have a lovely, festive celebration! So join me, won't you?

(Sits, turns on NBA games on his TV and watches glumly while playing Spider Solitaire online for several hours. Wally, The Mayor's dog, chews forlornly on furniture with impunity. Holly wafts listlessly; the mistletoe withers.)

MAYOR OF TELEVISION: Well, unfortunately, that's all the time we have tonight! Join me again next year for another holiday spectacular, won't you?