January 2009 Archives

In homage to "The Office's" special post-Super-Bowl episode.

Actually, we just posted this so that the Lisa Lampanelli entry wouldn't be the top one on the January 2009 archive.

I must confess that I have found Lisa Lampinelli - she of the ribald mouth, outsized frame and childlike dresses that look to have been designed by inmates in insane asylums incarcerated for unspeakable acts of depravity - fairly funny from time to time on sundry Comedy Central "celebrity" roasts.

But on those, she had specific targets to lambaste, specifically eviscerating jokes to make about cultural icons/hacks like William Shatner, Chevy Chase and Flavor Flav, so that you knew precisely what she was targeting. In "Lisa Lampanelli: Long Live the Queen," the rare HBO comedy special that did not wring a single chuckle out of me, she's just pandering to a lowest-common-denominator crowd who'll laugh because she says dirty and/or racist words. Her argument, I suppose, is that because she's being so willfully politically incorrect in an era that frowns on such behavior, she's being revolutionary. My response would be that she's just potty-mouthing up hoary, not terribly original observations that deserve a public moratorium simply because they're not funny anymore.

To give you an idea of the level of wit operating here, consider the animated opening sequence, practically a parody of a bad standup: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the meanest of them all?" asks the cartoon Lampanelli (as if the the real version isn't cartoony enough); Don Rickles appears, to which she replies, "This is HBO, not HB-Old." Howard Stern shows up, prompting the "quip," "I said meanest, not leanest."

No doubt you're wondering how I even managed to keep watching after that, but I persevered, and for my troubles was treated to jokes about deaf people, blacks and Sarah Palin (those who frequent this site know that just about anything about Ms. Palin makes me laugh - until now).

At one point, Lampanelli asks rhetorically, "Do I not have the best job in the world?" Yes, ma'am, you do, because you're paid quite handsomely and don't even have to be clever.

I don't know what the drink minimum was the night this show was taped in order to get the audience to find this entertaining, but clearly, I hadn't reached it when I sat through this.

- "Lisa Lampanelli: Long Live the Queen:" 8 p.m. Saturday, HBO.

Here's today's story on Current TV's "infoMania," along with a couple of clips to give you a further taste of the show:

A jolt of Red Bull might help when watching Current TV's "infoMania," your weekly update on all things idiotic in the worlds of politics, pop culture and technology. Even Bret Erlich, who hosts the "Viral Video Film School" segments that track down the most bizarre and embarrassing online videos, says, "I remember the first time my mom watched the show, she said, 'It's just too fast!'"

Hosted by Conor Knighton ("I cannot believe how fast Conor talks," Erlich marvels) - who entered the trivia books by being the first person to appear on Current, Al Gore's cable network offering news aimed at young viewers - "infoMania" presents a breathlessly paced and invariably funny glimpse at the week's hot topics.

Regular segments include "Target: Women," in which Second City alum Sarah Haskins cynically considering how marketers and entertainers condescendingly attempt to appeal to women, and "Sergio's White-Hot Top 5," featuring Sergio Cilli snarking on music-videos from the nation's sundry playlists (he says no song he's ever presented has inspired him to buy a band's album).

There's also "What Else is On?", which eviscerates TV genres and/or entire cable networks; "We've Got You Covered," offering a recap of the week's silliest magazine stories; and "Tech Report," which finds deadpan sad sack Benn Hoffman examines, often with great befuddlement, the latest that technology has to offer us, whether we need it or not.

"There's something funny about a guy who talks the way I talk, talking about technology, like he's way in over his head," Hoffman explains while sitting with his colleagues for a recent interview. "He should not be talking about this, if he's talking at all, which he probably shouldn't be."

In short, "infoMania" is a cross between "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," only far less political, and "The Soup" with Joel McHale, with something more on its mind than lamentable pop culture.

"We're not mean," Knighton insists. "We don't make fun of someone's weight or anything terrible."

"Except for Ben," Haskins interjects. "We make fun of him."

"When we make fun of someone, they probably had it coming," Knighton adds.

Haskin's "Target: Women" started out as a one-off gag based on advertising she found insulting, but was so successful it quickly became its own regular segment. In it, she has taken potshots at yogurt and birth-control commercials as well as the women of "The View."

"It's sometimes outrage and it's also amusement," she says of what motivates her contributions to the show. "They're still advertising to us this way, and it's 2009, and they're still sort of pushing this like perfect mom, type-A thing. It's both amused, outrage, and I thank every paycheck I get. Those commercials are keeping me in dental insurance."

The show has a staff tiny by TV standards - 15, tops, with only a couple of writers outside its stars - and much of the staff's time is taken up with watching some of the worst TV imaginable.

"I would spend four days doing nothing but watching 'The Bachelor,'" says Cilli, who served a similar function trolling for bizarre footage for "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" before joining "infoMania." "We would do all networks, where I'd watch nothing but the Food Network for a week and gather stuff."

He considers some of the tripe he has had to sit through, and concludes, "It's hard!"

"We do it as a utility - no one has time to watch the entire Outdoor Network, except us," Knighton adds. "So if we can give you that entire network in three or four minutes and just show the most ridiculous stuff, then hopefully we've served you."

Erlich asks Cilli, "What's the worst thing you had to watch?"

Cilli doesn't even have to think before answering: "The country-music network (CMT) was really, really hard," he says. "I could not take it. It was redneck versions of other shows. It was so awful."

Erlich adds, "The highlight of my year was (the YouTube video of) the walrus playing saxophone. When you watch it for the first five seconds, you wonder, 'What is happening?'"

Cilli responds, "There's another one where the walrus is doing sit-ups. It's a good genre."

If you're the producer of a crummy reality show and want to know how to avoid getting slagged by "infoMania," Hoffman has some helpful advice.

Noting the show's deadlines to make its Thursday airdate, he says, "If there's something going on Wednesday night at 10, it's not going to make it onto the show. So if you don't want us to cover your show, put it on Wednesday nights."

- "infoMania:" 10 p.m. Thursdays, Current TV, or available 24/7 at current.com/infomania.

Here's your preparation for next week's installment of "Lost:" This arcane image may or may not have huge impact on what happens when Desmond seeks answers which only turn into more questions:

So I watched the special 3D episode of "Chuck" that'll premiere Monday after the Super Bowl©. Bizarrely, they didn't exploit the 3D, though I still had to wear those ugly, uncomfortable cardboard glasses.

Here's your preview:

We've discussed the USA Network's nifty little gimmick of airing football-themed episodes of its scripted shows just before the Super Bowl with meditations on "Burn Notice" and "Monk" and conclude now with "Psych," which offers the goofiest of the football shows.

(Shawn's head hurts after thinking too hard about the plot to Friday's episode.)

Not to be too obvious about it, but the plot begins with the discovery of, yes, a human foot. After examining the foot, Shawn (James Roday) - who has a propensity for making really bad jokes, but kind of goes beyond the pale here - declares, "I feel like such a heel."

Guess what: The foot belongs to a professional football player. (Friday is not a good night to be a pro football player on the USA Network.) There are the usual array of suspects, and to investigate further, Shawn and Gus (Dulé Hill), they, uh, go undercover with the team at its training camp, Shawn as a prospective place kicker even though he's a complete wimp and Gus as a trainer/massage therapist, which is a bit of a problem since he's squeamish about touching other men.

And these guys actually manage to solve crimes with half-baked schemes like this?

(This is the sort of strenuous physical activity these guys are more accustomed to.)

Gus marvels at being at "an actual pro-football training camp," even though it basically just looks like an open field at the time. These paper lions get into all sorts of wacky situations, including sitting in a Jacuzzi and chatting up other players - while the Jacuzzi isn't actually on, mind you, which makes it a little creepy.

At least Shawn has something of a motivation for humiliating himself on the gridiron: Detective O'Hara (Maggie Lawson) reveals a heretofore unmentioned predilection for behemoths in lots of padding, so he's out to impress her by embarrassing himself. Shawn should hold out for something better: Lawson's not much of an actress - her every line reading sounds like she's reciting them. In a TV world full of unlikely cops, she may be the most unlikely. But if he must pursue O'Hara, maybe he should just cool it with the lame jokes. (Roday's so skilled a performer that you actually don't hate him even when he delivers one of his weak cracks.)

Anyway, there is one good inside joke: In discussing his weekend plans, Shawn suggests that he'll "maybe watch a couple of episodes of 'The Mentalist,'" the new hit CBS show that suspiciously seems a whole lot like "Psych."

- "Psych:" 10 p.m. Friday, USA.

USA is trying to cadge some of the NFL's fire this week by airing football-themed episodes of its popular shows. We've already noted how "Burn Notice" played along but shunted the football stuff off to the side of the narrative, and now along comes "Monk," which, like a good little trooper, puts football front and center.

The mystery involves a "big game" with those Bay-Area 'ballers known as the "Condors," a stolen playbook and a murdered player. As it turns out, Monk (Tony Shalhoub) has great tickets to the game because he knows Bob Costas. Captain Stottlemeyer (Ted Levine) wriggles an invite out of him.

Monk accedes to his boss's wishes, but laments, "He's going to want to go to the locker room." Eww?

Anyway, a fair amount of the humor involves the boorish behavior of the tailgaters outside the stadium. Stottlemeyer drinks it up; Monk is appalled at the drunken, cartoonish antics. "Did you enjoy civilization?" he asks Stottlemeyer. "Because I sure did. Eight-thousand years - it was a hell of a run."

Entering the stadium, Stottlemeyer breathlessly exults, "This is better than sex," apparently still anticipating that trip to the locker room.

Monk replies, "What isn't?" Which may offer the first suggestion that his beloved late wife Trudy doesn't really mind being dead.

If you think Stottlemeyer is going to get to enjoy the game in peace, then you obviously have never seen an episode of any TV show, ever. (Still, kudos to you for being open-minded enough to read this.) Sure enough, someone almost gets blown up in the stadium parking lot when a grill blows up, and Monk's sure it's foul play, and soon enough the body of the dead player turns up disguised as a drunken tailgater.

Meanwhile, at the office, Disher (Jason Gray-Stanford) is stranded alone back at the squad room, and can't watch the game on his phone, so he cadges a stolen flatscreen TV from the impound room. Which begs the question: How's it going to work if they don't have a cable hookup? And if they do have a hookup, then why don't they have a TV in the squadroom already? (And how does he get it to work when it gets stuck on a stairwell? I know: picky, picky.)

Costas, in fact, is not just name-checked; he actually appears as himself, and delivers a hilariously bizarre soliloquy about a man who sold him a psychotic cat that once tried to kill him. It's the best moment in the episode.

- "Monk:" 9 p.m. Friday, USA.

Those lovable scamps at PETA are at it again, pretending to be shocked, I tell you, that NBC has declined to run during the Super Bowl© an ad featuring lingerie models simulating sex with vegetables (and a pumpkin, which, technically, is a fruit) in an effort to promote - well, that's hard to say, but ostensibly vegetarianism.

We'll get into the NSFW particulars and images after the jump, but suffice it to say, PETA has a problem with centuries of food-chain tradition but has no qualms whatsoever about objectifying women as sex objects (which, come to think about it, also has a centuries-long tradition).

A couple of weeks ago at TV Press Tour, FX President John Landgraf delivered a speech that seemed to be a direct slap at my lament that "Damages," Emmy wins and all, seemed stillborn in its second season (some of this is just a lot of inside-baseball, so feel free to scroll down to the episode description if you like):

"I want to begin briefly by discussing the topic of ratings, particularly those in the world of cable television. ... I think the necessity of a consistent and objective barometer for ratings is greater than it's ever been. Arguably, the traditional method of reporting ratings the day after a program premieres is outdated and, at best, paints an incomplete picture of true audience deliveries. ... The most accurate and objective barometer of the true reach of a program on basic cable is the total cumulative delivery of all viewership in all of its runs within a given week. ...

"Generally speaking, the premiere number of a new series is a really small indication of whether it's ultimately going to be successful. You have to monitor its performance over the course of an entire season. And frankly, the fact that oftentimes the only reported number for a cable series, either in its first season or in a returning season, is the premiere number, really offers the opportunity for significant mischief in how networks represent which of their shows are or are not ratings successes."

Having said that, he talked ratings anyway, then proceeded to concede:

"And then finally, as for 'Damages,' it continues to be recognized by critics as one of the best shows on television. You know, I've come to believe that in this fractured, multi-screen environment, heavily serialized, densely plotted series, such as 'Damages' and 'Mad Men,' just have a harder time grabbing a mass audience. Despite the smaller audience these types of shows may deliver, however, the true value of them, I think, to their networks is undeniable. In terms of the multi-run cumulative audience, 'Damages' doesn't meet the bar set by 'Nip/Tuck' or 'Rescue Me' or 'Sons of Anarchy,' but it exceeds many other shows on other networks that other networks deem to be hits, such as 'Dexter' and 'Breaking Bad.' ...

"A lot has been made about 'Damages' sort of underperforming or the fact that it came back to somewhat lackluster numbers this year. But I really see ('Damages' and 'Mad Men') as equivalent in terms of the sort of density of their plotting and how challenging they are for the audience. ... We've picked up the show already for a third season, and I'm confident it will remain on our schedule beyond that."

OK, whatever, though Landgraf didn't mention what "Damages"' weekly viewership was or why he thought an Emmy-winning show starring Glenn Close for chrissake couldn't muster more than a million viewers in its premiere. I gave the show a rave review upon its return, though that didn't seem to help much, and am perfectly happy they'll be bringing it back, though everyone and his Simple-Jack cousin points out that TV isn't charity and the whole point is making money and you only make money when lots of people are watching.

OK, quit scrolling - we're back to actually discussing a TV show.

Anyway, tonight's episode has a whole lot of filler and only gets interesting near the end. It'd been a while since I had seen the first three episodes, but here's a quick recap:

Toxic waste; corporate malfeasance; Patty Hewes (Close) is smelling not just toxic fumes but a potentially huge class-action suite. Daniel Purcell's (William Hurt) wife is murdered; perhaps more corporate malfeasance. Ellen (Rose Byrne) wants to bring down Patty, though that subplot seems to have been placed on hold for the time being.

So tonight begins with a pointless and obvious dream sequence: Daniel sees a menacing guy approaching his wife but keeps washing a plate anyway. Because, hey, the plate's really dirty.

They keep teasing the moment at some point in the future where Ellen ventilates someone. With a gun.

The bad guys keep getting referred to at various times as "Ultima National" and "UNR." So, the uninitiated (or even I) might wonder: There's two bad guys?

Patty sends Ellen and Tom (Tate Donovan) to West Virginia to investigate the toxins being released into the environment. West Virginia turns out to feature journalists and law-enforcement figures out who would be perfectly at home in "Deliverance."

Sundry title cards read "10 YEARS EARLIER" and "3 WEEKS EARLIER" and, maybe, "2 WEEKS FROM NOW IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE." Last season, they handled the time shifts a whole lot more gracefully.

Purcell, since he's played by William Hurt, mumbles a lot. But Patty gets him out of jail anyway. (I used to do an impersonation of Hurt that consisted solely of tilting my head back curiously and opening my eyes widely in a quizzical fashion. So far, he hasn't markedly gone to that move in this performance.)

A flashback seems to be at odds with the present-day.

Tate Donovan loves him some Mr. Pibb.

A reporter for whom things looked decidedly grim last time we saw him resurfaces. Not that his editor cares, and not that, in the end, his efforts matter.

Prisons are no place for actors in bit parts.

Claire (Marcia Gay Harden), who was revealed to be Purcells' lover in previous episodes, is revealed to be something even trickier this time around. And Purcell - well, you just have to wonder, what the hell is rolling around in that noggin of his?

- "Damages:" 10 tonight; FX.

Is it an exploding cigar?

Oh, and he's going to be on MSNBC's "The Rachel Maddow Show" this evening at 9ET/6PT, which should be tons of fun given how openly contemptuous she's been of him.

UPDATE: They've already provided the transcript of the interview! Not as funny as the stuff yesterday, but enjoy these excerpts nonetheless:

RACHEL MADDOW: Do you agree that it would be-- it would be wrong, it would be criminal-- for you to try to exchange Barack Obama's US senate seat, that appointment, for something that would be of value to you. You agree that that would be wrong.

BLAGOJEVICH: Oh, absolutely. ... A personal-- you know, one for the other personal gain? ...

RACHEL MADDOW: Well, on the wiretaps, you're quoted saying, "It's a bleeping valuable thing. You don't just give it away for nothing. If they're not going to offer anything of value I might just take it. I've got this thing and it's bleeping golden. I'm not just giving it up for bleeping nothing." In what possible context could you say-- say things like that if you weren't trying to exchange something of value for the senate seat? What-- what other context would make--

BLAGOJEVICH: Well, let me answer that two ways. First, I can't comment specifically on that, 'cause I haven't heard those tapes. But assuming that's what it is, if you hear all the tapes, and you hear the whole thing in its context, if I feared that that was something sinister or onerous would I want all those tapes heard? And, in addition to that, just playing devil's advocate, I'm not-- not acknowledging that that's-- actually were on the tapes, 'cause we haven't had a chance to hear it. But playing the devil's advocate in assuming it was. Why can't the construction of that be I want them to help me pass a public works program, a jobs program, that the Democratic speaker, Mr. Madigan, has been blocking. I want them to help me help 45,000 working people get healthcare that the Democratic speaker in the house has been blocking. I want them to help me have a law that requires insurance companies to cover people with preexisting medical conditions that the Democratic speaker has been blocking. In--

RACHEL MADDOW: Even if you want-- even if you wanted food for the hungry, I-- I mean, even if you wanted justice itself in exchange for the senate seat, you're not supposed to exchange anything for the senate seat.

BLAGOJEVICH: Well, I don't-- I don't-- I don't disagree that one for the other isn't. But there's-- there are-- political negotiations and leveraging-- which is all very much part of the process. And, again, if those tapes were all heard you'd hear discussions-- that I had with people from-- five senior senators-- Senator Dick Durban about facilitating-- Senator Menendez. Harry Reid and I discussed the senate seat. Heck of a lot of other people. And I-- I would like every one of them to be able to testify under oath, sworn testimony, in that impeachment trial about the context and nature of those conversations.

RACHEL MADDOW: Are you saying, though, that they would testify as to what you were trying to get in exchange for the appointment?

BLAGOJEVICH: I-- I'm simply saying, if-- if they told the truth, they'd be part of a big story and a larger story, that would, I think, show-- you know, that there were a lot of ideas talked about. That we explored different options. We looked and tried to think outside the box, like Oprah Winfrey, for example. Some ideas were good. Some were stupid. Some you can't do. Just natural discussions when you're trying to-- get a results that ultimately leads to the place that's right for people. And when this whole story's told it's gonna show the decisions and all the rest, ultimately, we're about putting people to work, expanding healthcare, and holding the line on taxes for middle class families.

RACHEL MADDOW: When-- when you-- again, this is from the wiretapped calls, and I realize you're not gonna testify to their veracity. But they are out there, and the transcripts are there, and some of them were played today in the senate. Speaking about Barack Obama's advisors, "They're not willing to give me anything but appreciation in exchange for the senate seat. Bleep them." What would you want other than appreciation? What-- what could be kosher to exchange for a senate seat?

BLAGOJEVICH: Well, how about helping us pass healthcare and a jobs bill? And helping the people of Illinois. Don't just leave Illinois now. And--

RACHEL MADDOW: I will appoint person X instead of person Y unless you do this favor for me?

BLAGOJEVICH: No, no, the-- no, the one-- for the other is not-- that-- that's not what I'm saying. I'm simply saying-- I'm in a political business. When Barack Obama agrees to raise $10 million for Hillary Clinton to get out of the race that's the natural political sort of thing that happens in this business. It's appropriate. Nothing that you-- improper about it. Again, in the full context, discussions and the explorations of ideas and thoughts and whether you could or couldn't do something-- you-- you should be able to do that in a free country that guarantees the right of free speech. Especially when you're doing it in what you think is the sanctity of your home, and you want to do it out of your home phone, because you don't want any interconnection with the government's lines, so somebody thinks you're talking politics on a government phone. Again, when the whole story is-- is heard, and put in the proper context, I think you'll see a process that ultimately-- ultimately would-- would lead in the right place.

For some reason, I didn't receive a screener of last weeks' season premiere of "Burn Notice" - maybe the USA network hates me, or the mailman does, or something. But I got this week's installment, which is part of a cute little gimmick among USA's shows - "Monk" and "Psych" being the others -all doing football-related episodes to glom interest from Sunday's Super Bowl.

Of course, the football theme can be very extraneous, grafted onto a pre-existing script, as it seems to be here - in order to score tickets to a Dolphins game, Sam Axe (Bruce Campbell) convinces Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan) to help an old acquaintance who's a high-school football coach with a player someone wants dead. The real story involves the thugs out to kill the kid, some ruthless bad guys who operate an auto-theft ring.

One of the fun and cheeky things about "Burn Notice" is how Westen confides tricks of the spy trade to viewers, as if that information might possibly be useful to them in their ordinary lives. This week, he offers an awful lot of advice on how to steal cars, so if your ride gets boosted in the next week or so, you know who to blame. He also explains how to armor-ize your car on the cheap (lots of phone books).

It's an awfully elaborate scam just for a couple of football tickets. Stub Hub would've probably been cheaper. But Westen and Company routinely perform feats that convince you that his whole woe-is-me-I-have-no-money act is a sham.

Oh, and this is one of those episodes where Fiona (Gabrielle Anwar) is cozier with Michael than usual, if you get my drift.

In all, a reliably entertaining episode. We'll discuss those football-themed "Monk" and "Psych" episodes soon.

- "Burn Notice:" 10 p.m. Thursday, USA.

Oscar-winning documentarian Errol Morris, with whom I dined a couple of decades back, offers an astonishingly insightful glimpse into the past eight years via photographs; it's simultaneously long-winded yet essential.

Link to it if you have plenty of time, but it bizarrely recalls his concerns, two decades down the line, of how we divine the truth.

Here's a shocker: A member of Ted Haggard's congregation has come forward with allegations of homosexual conduct with Haggard, the anti-gay preacher who was defrocked in 2006 when a gay prostitute reported that he had hit him up for some sex and crystal meth.

This would just be another chapter in Haggard's sordid saga, except than an HBO documentary debuting Thursday attempts to make you feel sorry for the guy by, basically, sugar-coating everything. Ooops, for everyone concerned.

"The Trials of Ted Haggard," by Alexandra Pelosi, daughter of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, spends a great deal of its time following Haggard as he goes through the indignities of post-luxuriant-success life, mainly by peddling insurance door-to-door without any success (he works on commission and, since he doesn't actually sell anything, doesn't make any money - "I'm a loser," he laments at one point). (This, apparently, is untrue, since his church reportedly still allows him to keep an $800,000 home in Colorado.)

Under ordinary circumstances, you'd think that a documentarian would be chagrined to be exposed for failing to do due diligence and dig up everything on the guy. But here's guessing Pelosi is secretly delighted, because it only gives her film additional publicity.

After all, Pelosi has proven that it's not the content of your film, but the access that you got in making it (she's the "Entertainment Tonight" of hard news, understanding that you only get to rub elbows with the biggest stars if you don't ask them anything that'll bristle their sensitive natures - even Bob Woodward, who got to interview President Bush - to whom even Haggard had access - championed Bush until he wouldn't talk to him anymore). That she invariably makes herself part of her films only underscores her vanity.

Her first HBO film was "Travels with George," shot while she covered George W. Bush's 2000 Presidential campaign. While that film boasted precious little substance - in one bit, she kvetched about relationships between reporters covering the campaign - it did, however, offer behind-the-scenes glimpses of the man who would be President, who was shown jovially clowning with the filmmaker.

And just as that film - aired in 2004 - declined to make any connections between Bush the likable campaigner and the leader he would become, so too does "The Trials of Ted Haggard" resolutely refuse to provide any context on the hypocrisy between Haggard's furtive actions and his ministry. It's one thing to make a controversial figure seem empathetic, but it takes talent to explain the balance between their dark and light sides, and that's a skill set that Pelosi decidedly does not possess.

At one point, Haggard declares that he didn't preach hatred, and Pelosi allows the statement to go unchallenged, even though Haggard's homosexuality was exposed while "Jesus Camp," a documentary film depicting him railing against gays, was still playing in theaters. She merely trots out a few nudge-nudge-wink-wink moments from his early days in the ministry.

Pelosi does manage some revealing moments, but they mainly concern Haggard feeling sorry for himself. After a job interview, he compares himself to "Seinfeld" character George Costanza: "He always made such a fool of himself," he says, adding, "If they don't Google me, I'll get the job."

But at film's end, you're still not sure what Haggard thinks was his biggest sin - being gay or being a blatant hypocrite. Being gay is a fact of life, of biology, and only those who aren't properly educated fear and loathe it. Being a hypocrite, on the other hand, is a decided choice, one that invites reasonable criticism and derision.

This very question, of what Haggard considered his downfall, was the topic at the session for this film at the recent TV Press Tour, and journalists pressed Haggard for answers: If Pelosi wasn't up to pursuing it, they were, and when HBO's Sheila Nevin attempted to quash the inquiry, she was shouted down in the most animated moment of the entire tour.

So the best we can draw from "The Trials of Ted Haggard" is that he lied to Pelosi, and she bought it, and helped him promulgate his lies, even though his clenched expression throughout pretty clearly suggests she shouldn't have. But she got the "get," as they say in celebrity journalism, and who cares if the facts are fudged?

- "The Trials of Ted Haggard," 8 p.m. Thursday, HBO.

There'll be a big comedy show competing against Jay and Dave tonight - Rod Blagojevich is taking his act to ABC's "Nightline." The folks there were kind enough to send along some of Blago's A-material in his interview with Cynthia McFadden (some of her questions are too passive; others are harder-hitting; others are simply hilarious), which I happily pass along to you.

McFadden: So let me just give you an opportunity to answer this question, which I think is on the minds of a lot of people very directly. Are you a dirty politician?

Blagojevich: No, I'm a very honest politician and I see myself - and you can laugh and call this delusional - but when all the facts come out you will see that I'm right. This is a modern-day Frank Capra story. You remember those old movies? Those black and white movies with Jimmy Stewart and Gary Cooper? The guy who was siding with the little guy, trying to fight for them, create more opportunities for them and protect them from big, powerful forces? Well, that's my story. It's a modern day version of it.

And what those people do, some of those establishment people do in those movies is try to make the good guy, whose got idealistic intentions, look like he's just what you suggested. And I view myself as Jimmy Stewart and Gary Cooper and I know that's gonna be met with mockery, but that's how I see it. ...

McFadden: You've also been called narcissistic, delusional, a sociopath. One state senator says that you're not playing with a full deck. Are you playing with a full deck? (Note: McFadden wins a Peabody for this one!)

Blagojevich: Hmm. Let me put it this way. Politics is a business where people call you names.

McFadden: I just want to make sure. It is your position that these tapes are somehow doctored? That the transcripts are inaccurate?

Blagojevich: It's my position that when the full story comes out, and all of those conversations are put in proper context, it's going to show a governor who's working to try and get things done for people. Considering a lot of ideas and things from different advisors. You know, waking up one day and thinking Oprah Winfrey makes sense, another day waking up and thinking someone else makes sense. ...

McFadden: With all due respect, Governor, given what you are quoted as having said on these tapes, that's laughable. Let me read you a line. "If they're not going to offer anything of value, I might just take it." Another quote: "Unless I get some real good expletive, I might just take it myself." "I've got this thing and it's *#$* golden. I'm not going to give it away for nothing." You tell me the context that that makes sense in, as a guy who's looking to do the work of the people of Illinois.

Blagojevich: Again, you have to judge someone by the full context -

McFadden: You tell me what the context is -

Blagojevich: -- and again, by the actions. ...

McFadden: -- But you are suggesting. You're suggesting this is politics as usual, and you just got caught.

Blagojevich: I'm saying when the full story comes out, you'll see I did nothing wrong. No criminal wrongdoing.

McFadden: So this kind of talk would be okay, as long as you didn't act on it, is that what you're saying?

Blagojevich: That's a question you should ask lawyers.

McFadden: I'm asking you, you're a lawyer.

Blagojevich: I'm saying if you explore things, and are willing to think outside the box, and you test a variety of different things, and you will do only the right thing, once you sort it out, that there's a process, that's part of what it takes to be a leader. And when the whole story comes out, that's what those conversations will show. ...

Blagojevich: I got a C in constitutional law, which might have been one of my better grades, so maybe I'm the wrong person to ask. But again, I can tell you, I've done nothing wrong. No criminal activity, and when this is all said and done, I will be fully vindicated. ...

(A lot of back-and-forth on what he did and didn't do and what constitutes law-breaking and more about putting everything in context and so on and so forth, then:)

McFadden: But was it wrong? Did you do something wrong??

Blagojevich: The answer is no ... if you do an exchange of one for the other, that's wrong. But if you have discussions about the future and down the road and what you might want to do once you're no longer Governor in a few years, what's wrong with that? Those are natural discussions people have. And in the wake of an election where you're talking to political advisors and others, where you're trying to map out what your future might be. Those are legitimate honest discussions. And again they're being twisted out of context.

This guy's gonna be a huge star. When he gets out of the slammer. Or an asylum.

- "Nightline with Rod Blagojevich and the Paul Shaffer Orchestra:" 11:35 tonight, ABC (Channel 7).

A truly stunning performance by TV Guide Channel's Joey Fatone, who seems truly puzzled as to why someone would want to pretend to be "a homosexual." Prepare to cringe/laugh as if you were watching an episode of "The Office:"

The Rod Blagojevich Comedy Tour continues apace: On the day he should be attending his impeachment trial in Illinois, he's making the media rounds, popping in on everything from "The View" to "Larry King Live," and informing Diane Sawyer this morning on "Good Morning America" that he even considered appointing Oprah Winfrey to fill Barack Obama's Senate seat. Of course, Blago's compared himself to Martin Luther King, Jr., Mahatma Gandhi and movie cowboys, so anything's possible inside that skull of his, under all those sanity-absorbing hair follicles.

Even Oprah thought it was a joke: Had she been watching "GMA" where she usually does, she said on Sirius XM radio, "I would have fallen off the treadmill."

Just think what the rest of the Senate would've done.

Accompanying the latest screener for TNT's "The Closer" is a little note from the network, imploring me:

"We respectfully ask that you refrain from mentioning how cliffhangers from September are resolved, including Detective Sanchez's (Raymond Cruz, whose character got ventilated by bad guys) fate and Brenda's (Kyra Sedgwick) response to Fritz's (Jon Tenney) ultimatum about setting a wedding date. Also, please help us keep the January 26 episode a surprise for viewers by not revealing spoilers about new developments on the show."

Uh, OK. So, what happens is, um...

("You! The one who revealed the spoilers for my new episode! Put the laptop down ... slowly ... or I'll shoot! I may just shoot anyway!")

Well, there's a suicide that the medical examiner doesn't think is a suicide, and whattaya know? (I'd like to see a cop show do a story about a suicide that really is a suicide, and I've got it all mapped out: Dead guy, OD'd in his bed, looks pretty clear-cut, but wait! - there's no suicide note and slender remnants of duct tape on his arms and legs. Also, they find Emails in his computer to several acquaintances referring to dire threats they made against him in the days just before the death. So they (I'm thinking "The Mentalist" crew, for whatever reason) investigate and Patrick Jane is really confused because everyone honestly seems innocent and bewildered about the death. And so how do they go about reversing gears and deciding it's just a suicide after all, just the guy's last elaborate little prank on the world, since that goes against everything in their nature?)

I digress.

Anyway, there's blood spatter evidence, but not worked up as prettily with strings and push pins and whatever as on "Dexter," and while they're examining the evidence, the detectives are sampling prospective wedding cakes for Brenda's (maybe) big day because, as Provenza (G.W. Bailey) explains, "If you still like it while you're watching somebody who blew their brains out, this is the cake for your wedding."

Hmm. That's about all I can say, I guess, except that "Trust Me" premieres right after this episode, and that's a pretty good show.

- "The Closer:" 9 p.m. Monday, TNT.

So the Screen Actors Guild Awards will be starting soon, and I'm stuck watching them. My favorite part is always the sanctimonious, self-congratulatory openings, where sundry actors deliver soliloquys that strive to ennoble their profession: "As a child, I scrapped and scraped for food in the dumpsters of Long Island for my mother and my two other feral siblings. Then, someone noticed I was really attractive. Today, I pout petulantly when my trailer is 18 inches further from the set than my co-stars' and refuse to shoot my day's work. My name is [insert appropriate name here], and I am an actor."

(Here's an idea: They give out the trophy above - with the guy holding the smiley face aloft - to the winners, and then give the losers trophies with the guy holding the sad face aloft. That way, everyone goes home with hardware!)

What does the award for Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture or those for Drama or Comedy Series ensembles really stand for? Traditionally, it's been understood that the trophies are de facto Best Picture or Best Series honors, but that doesn't necessarily honor the acting - the best film isn't necessarily the best-acted film - so the name is misleading. "Slumdog Millionaire," for example, is up for Outstanding Cast, but only otherwise got one acting nomination, Dev Patel's Supporting Actor nod.

Certainly, great acting can come in the presence of mediocrity elsewhere in a production. So if SAG really wanted to demonstrate to us what it considers great acting, they'd stray from the reservation a bit and actually nominate films that aren't just rubber-stamping the critical darlings or the behemoths that were created for the sole purpose of winning year-end awards.

Just a thought, you know, if you want to improve appreciation of your art form rather than, say, further coddle a bunch of big-name celebrities.

- "The 15th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards:" 8 p.m., TNT and TBS; 5 p.m. if you have satellite TV.

This is rich: Rachel Maddow has fun with the whole, never-ending bog surrounding Rod Blagojevich - whom she deems "The great golden calf of cable news" - and then wonders what's wrong with our country if a clown like him (and other clowns in the nation's other governors' offices) gets to pick a Senator.

She's right: I had been thinking that Blago'd make a great Batman villain earlier in the week. He's the only guy who could top Heath Ledger.

Every once in a while, something comes along that is so abjectly awful, such a powerful affront to your intelligence, that you want to sing its praises to the heavens. You want to take a stopwatch and chart - on a micro-second-by-micro-second level - how it fails on every level, and why virtually everyone associated with it deserves never to get work in the industry ever again.

But then, you realize that that's hardly worth the effort, and that no one would ever bother to read the thing anyway, so you drag out your dullest butter knife and saw away sloppily on its gullet. Which brings us, ladies and gentlemen, to NBC's miniseries "The Last Templar."

Herewith, our review:

"The Last Templar's" unpromisingly obscure title is the least of its problems. Produced by Robert Halmi, Sr., who has churned out scores of these big, dumb behemoths over his long and storied career (to be fair, he's made some quite decent productions, as well, though perhaps by accident), this NBC miniseries is not just cheesy but an entire cheese factory.

Its "Indiana Jones"-meets-"The Da Vinci Code" storyline routinely strains credibility (it buys into the silly trope that archaeologists are more adventurers and mercenaries rather than scholars) yet nonetheless remains stultifyingly predictable. It also assiduously manages to avoid anything resembling a credible human moment.

It stars Mira Sorvino - when an actor finds herself at this point in her career, does the fact that she has an Oscar serve as solace or a cruel taunt? - as Tess, an archaeologist and single mom who has given up that rough-and-tumble world to care for her daughter. She's given such coquettish lines as, "Do you remember that parasite I had in my foot in Africa?"

At the opening of a display of Vatican treasures at a New York museum, a quartet of men dressed as knights appear, behead a cop and run roughshod through the exhibit, trashing the place and helping themselves to sundry antiquities.

While the cops stand around, staring at each other stupidly, Tess leaps into action: "Hey! Come back here! That doesn't belong to you!" she calls out, then chases after them in her stilettos.

Of course, the cops persecute her for possessing such spunk and vinegar, but at least that allows her an opportunity to meet-cute with FBI Agent Daley (Scott Foley), whose colleague leeringly says of Tess, "She can dig through my priceless artifacts any day." (This is what passes for wit in a Robert Halmi production.)

This is parlayed into an unlikely globe-trotting quest to discover treasures lost centuries ago by the Knights Templar, artifacts some at the Vatican would prefer remain lost to history, and don't mind killing people to ensure they stay that way. While the contents of that treasure offer vague intrigue, the far bigger mystery is: Who continues to give Halmi money to churn out these turgid insults to our intelligence?

Though Tess routinely humiliates and abandons Daley, even seemingly leaving him for dead, he remains blitheringly smitten. Plot contrivances mount until Tess finds herself in Greece, where she encounters Omar Sharif, who babbles in Zen Koans for Dummies.

As the cosmic Jed Clampett, he earnestly informs Tess, "Life brings life, joy brings joy and hope brings hope." All well and good, but while watching this, you're more likely to want to know: What does misery bring?

Sorvino reportedly broke several teeth while making "The Last Templar." Sounds pretty painful, but I can beat that: I actually had to watch it.

- "The Last Templar:" 9 p.m. - nah, really: Don't bother.

CBS is going to experiment next Wednesday with a prime-time news hour featuring "CBS Evening News" anchor Katie Couric.

While Sean McManus, president of CBS News and Sports, insists this isn't some sort of try-out to see if the network can succeed in primetime with programming that's cheaper to produce than scripted content - a smarter, tonier version of what NBC'll be doing next season with its primetime talk show with Jay Leno - it's hard to think that that notion isn't crawling around somewhere in the back of the network's brain.

They're just doing it to promote Katie, McManus suggests. OK, fine - but why do it up against "American Idol?" And what if nothing interesting happens that day?

But check out the lead to the New York Times' story: "On Wednesday at 8 p.m., CBS will pre-empt 'The New Adventures of Old Christine,' which stars Julia Louis-Dreyfus, to put on a program featuring a star arguably even bigger: a special edition of 'The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric.'"

What's that about? Is Jacques Steinberg trying to cozy up to Katie after a couple of years of negative press about her? (Her numbers are up, a little, in the wake of her coverage of the Presidential campaign, particularly her attention-grabbing interview with whatsername - oh, right, Sarah Palin, who's taken to complaining about Couric's perfectly reasonable line of questioning.) Or is he being kind of snarky about Couric's celebrity?

Oh, Jacques Steinberg, don't make me think on a Friday afternoon. It's been a long week.

Also, rumors are burbling about the mediasphere that MSNBC might be considering recruiting comic Bill Maher to take on the 10 p.m. hour following Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow. I'm not sure this is a brilliant idea - while Maher would certainly bring a decided point of view to such a show, it certainly wouldn't do anything to diffuse the sort of "Romper Room" atmosphere permeating MSNBC, what with Chris Matthews' bluster (he received another terrific pounding from Slate.com's Jack Shafer for his Inauguration-Day pomposity - money quote: "The sizzling free-associations skitter through his limbic system, leap out his mouth, and look for a resting spot in the national conversation, where they steam like fresh lava in untouchable heaps") and the behind-the-scenes melodrama featuring network savior Keith Olbermann and others.

What do you think? Can a comic like Maher bring enough gravitas to what's supposed to be a newscast? Or would the punchlines get in the way?

Last month, we discussed the curious similarities between "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and "Forrest Gump," which both just happened to have been scripted by Eric Roth. Roth won an Oscar for his "Gump" screenplay, and he was nominated for another today for "Button," so it only makes sense that he'll win, given that it's basically the same movie only not as whimsical. (Unless that pesky "Slumdog Millionaire" - which offers a genuinely original story - manages to prevail.)

To celebrate "Benjamin Button's" 13 Oscar nominations, here's a televisual complement to our earlier "Gump"/"Button" compare/contrast:

With "American Idol" as its lead-in, "Lie to Me" actually outranked the return of "Lost" last night, 13.19 million to 11.65 million in the 9 p.m. hour. So they're no doubt pretty happy over on the Fox lot today, but here's guessing the celebration is somewhat muted, given:

* "Lie to Me" lost half its "AI" lead-in audience;

* "Lie to Me" lost 3.5 million viewers over the course of its hour.

(In next week's action-packed episode of "Lie to Me," Tim Roth goes undercover as a bellhop at a swanky hotel where people dissemble a lot. Then he remembers that that in and of itself is not against the law. Mayhem ensues.)

Meanwhile, "Lost" continued to inspire the usual amount of head-scratching. About a million viewers drifted away over the course of its two-hour premiere, which was already nearly 5 million fewer than when it returned last season. Still, for a show that willfully obscure, those are pretty good numbers.

(I have it on almost-good authority that the above image has a crucial bearing on next week's episode of "Lost." Pore over it, divine its mysteries, debate amongst yourselves and solve the enigma behind the time-trotting island and how Charles Widmore and Richard Alpert are connected!)

One of President Barack Hussein Obama's first edicts was to reverse the Bush Administration's efforts to obfuscate the Freedom of Information Act, making it Un-Americanly easy to get information from the government.

"Transparency and rule of law will be the touchstones of this presidency," Obama, seemingly way too honestly, declared. What's the point of being in power if you can't stem the flow of information from your power base to those you serve?

Nonetheless, Your Mayor opted to tap into those remnant information reserves from the Bush Administration, and the results were shocking:

ALL WHITE HOUSE TRANSCRIPTS ARE PREPARED IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING OVAL OFFICE POLICY SESSIONS. DUE TO THE SPEED WITH WHICH THESE TRANSCRIPTS ARE PREPARED, COMPLETE ACCURACY CANNOT BE GUARANTEED. THIS TRANSCRIPT IS DATED 4/23/08, UNLESS FUTURE HISTORIANS CAN PROVE - OR VAGUELY SUGGEST - OTHERWISE:

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: You know, I'd like a little more information on this Mayor of Television fella. He seems a little anti-American to me.

VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY: Would you like to have him killed, sir?

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: No, I'd just like a little more information on his means and motivations and his ways of coming to terms with aesthetic decisions.

VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY: Damn.

PRESS SECRETARY DANA PERINO: What would you like for us to investigate into this American villain, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: Well, he seems to be awfully critical of "According to Jim," which is one of my favorite shows. I'd just like to know if he's some sort of Muslim terrorist because he doesn't have the same tastes as I do, or if he's just an anti-American who needs an attitude readjustment at Gitmo so that he can enjoy good, old-fashioned shows like "CSI: Miami" - who can reject a guy with cool sunglasses? - or "Knight Rider." I'd like a cool car like that. Do you think the Secret Service can help me out with that?

VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY: Consider it done. Now sit down and shut up.

Say what you will about "Bones" - how many seasons has it gone on, now, and Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz haven't gotten it on? - but it's certainly Fox's underappreciated secret weapon. The network plops it all over its schedule, and it invariably does well and even better.

Fox exec Kevin Reilly was asked at TV Press Tour about the tough-love/no-love/crazy-love the network has for the show in slapping it hither, thither and yon on its schedule, and he replied, fairly honestly: "(Series creator) Hart Hanson doesn't exactly love moving all over the schedule, but what's happened is it's a show where, in trying to find where it could perform best and, frankly, accommodating some other shows, we found that wherever we put it, it ended up working and, in fact, now growing. ... So the show clearly has a base. I'd like to stop moving it around. If it does what we think it's going to do on Thursday, we'll glue it to the schedule there. ... We do have faith in the show. It's a little strange way of showing the love, but I've got to tell you, we appreciate the work they do on that show because that's part of what you build a network with, these shows that can go in there and do a job for you."

"Bones" was originally supposed to debut in its Thursday-at-8 timeslot last week, but then, George W. Bush felt the need to go before the American people with one last "It wasn't all tears and regrets, was it?" push. And so, tonight, "Bones" - which has in four seasons appeared on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays - makes its Thursday debut with two back-to-back episodes. One was made available in advance.

And that one, it must be said, is one of the show's sillier episodes, which may be saying something, but, you know, it's still entertaining enough. It begins with a fairly b.s. scene on the Texas/Oklahoma border, with two sheriffs squabbling over jurisdiction of a crime scene involving skeletons of conjoined twins joined at the butt near an oil rig. You almost expect Jeff Foxworthy to appear to declare, "You know you're a redneck if you don't want the Feds investigating your case of dead conjoined twins where only one has evidence of having had sex."

Because that's what apparently has been going on, and the victims had been working for a traveling circus (which makes them victims in so many ways), so Booth (Boreanaz) and Brennan (Deschanel) decide that the only way they can crack this case - given how tight-lipped carnies can be, understand - is to go undercover at the circus.

Brennan asks, "Are we going to join the circus?"

Booth answers, "We are going to join the circus."

So, just in case you're not clear - they're going to join the circus.

They venture into the circus arena as "Buck and Wanda - Knives of Death" because Booth can throw knives with a reasonable amount of accuracy and Brennan just kind of gets off on the idea of phallic symbols being thrown in her direction. (This might seem like a joke, but it's an actual plot point. Take note.) Andy Richter plays the ringleader of the woebegotten outfit traversing the land, hoping against hope that he can make some money entertaining the easily entertained (even though he's an unwitting metaphor for broadcast-TV executives these days, he's not given a whole lot to do).

So they're recruited to join the ragtag band, sort of, and, in order to fit in, they have to prove they're white-trashy enough. "So, sex, right?" Booth asks. Meaning they have to seem like they screw indiscriminately. So they rock their RV back and forth to simulate satisfying sexual congress, even though we all know they'd both be better off doing the real thing, but they nonetheless coin the new phrase "If the van's a-rockin' and carnies are inside, don't bother knockin' because you do not want to see what's going on inside there."

Anyway, their colleagues back at the Jeffersonian want them to install a webcam, mainly because they want to titter at their travails, and when Brennan gets all excited about Booth "throwing knives" at her for their putative circus act - which is called "Boris and Natasha," sans Moose - he responds, "There is no act - there is just me trying not to kill you," which sounds like the description of a lot of celebrity couples.

Anyway, Fox sent out a press release with the screener for this episode reading, "Please note that Emily Deschanel injured her eye (not during work hours) while this episode was being shot. ... Post-production will work to make the injury unnoticeable, but ... we would appreciate you not mentioning it in anything you write about the episode."

And, ordinarily, I'd honor such a request, but it's so obvious that the show's producers' worked so hard to try to write around her injury, and some of it was pretty clever and some of it was absolutely not, that it bears mentioning if only to show the creative lengths showrunners go to to fix problems on the fly and at least try to make such anomalies organic to the creative process.

Anyway, it involves an eyepatch that sort of makes sense ... until it doesn't.

Eventually, they figure out what happened, naturally. But, up to that point, we've had some fun, yes? We've had some laughs. It's been silly/mildly sexy all the way through - and then they have to end it with an Emo song, an acoustic guitar strumming oh-so-sensitively and a whiny guy crooning.

It's like they brought Bobby Goldsboro to write the last three pages of a script started by Mel Brooks. It's like Hart Hanson is warning Fox, "Keep screwing with my show and I'll feature a gang rape involving the cast of 'You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.'"

Deschanel is pretty hot in her carnie outfit, though. So there's that.

- "Bones:" 8 and 9 p.m. tonight, Fox (Channel 11).

Variety asks the question about the Obama Administration that's on everyone's mind: How will it affect "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart?" Assuming Obama governs with a modicum of competence, where oh where will the jokes come from?

Answer: Don't worry. Just because George Bush is no longer in Washington doesn't mean idiocy no longer exists.

And kudos to Variety for making a comedy show sound so dull: "A team of eight in the studio production department constantly monitors the news network and wire feeds, recording and then editing choice bits. All the show's writers and studio producers stay connected by email, and when something stands out, the clip is quickly disseminated."

But Variety doesn't stop there: They also realize, a few years belatedly but what the hey, that Stewart has become "a bona fide icon in American culture." Stewart may or may not be comfortable with that title, but he does have plans for the future: "I'm convinced that I'll leave the show two years after I become a parody of myself."

Oh, and Variety also manages to make Stephen Colbert sound boring in his effusive praise of Stewart, as well. Try getting your head around this quote, or simply imagining Colbert saying something like this on the air: "(Jon)'s telling us that this is the mechanics of the human interaction, and this is the actual message of the story."

"Fringe" left off with Olivia's (Anna Torv) abduction, so naturally it returns tonight with Walter (John Noble) giving a caterpillar LSD. "It's a special blend," he offers, helpfully. Peter (Joshua Jackson) says something snarky.

But soon we're with Olivia in her dire straits. She awakens, tied to a gurney, being tended to to a guy in a clown mask. "Who are you?" she asks, because guys in clown masks aren't wearing them to conceal their identity.

(Either someone scribbled some mathematical formulae on this photo, or this is what fills Olivia's mind on a daily basis, or it's a scientific procedure for escaping from bad guys.)

She gets a glimpse his shoes - loafers with tassels, not the sort of go-to footwear you'd expect to see on murderous thugs. (Those shoes, naturally, come into play later on.) He injects something in her backside and takes off.

Olivia goes to the "If you're going to kill me, can I please have some water?" card. Death Row inmates get better last meals. But her captors agree to give her water, which wouldn't be encouraging, given how she phrased her request. Of course, momentarily freed of her shackles, she then beats the crap out of her abductors and escapes.

Meanwhile, Fringe Division is being put through an internal investigation by Mr. Harris, who has it out for Olivia ever since she filed sexual harassment charges against him. (The FBI apparently is not familiar with the concept of conflict of interest.) Mr. Harris should be named "Mr. Exposition," because he provides lots of it, explaining the show for the benefit of newcomers who watching because they neglected to change the channel after "American Idol." He's going to make her life and those of her colleagues miserable, we're assured, though he seems an afterthought by the end of the episode. Peter says something snarky.

Anyway, we finally get to the meat of the episode - an immunologist is lecturing a class, then collapses and dies, with a giant slimy thing crawling out of his mouth, allowing a day player to shriek melodramatically. "At least he died teaching," is the best Walter can do to put a positive spin on the situation. Peter says something snarky.

(If Walter's going to bring the crazy every episode, the least he could do is dress like this.)

Things proceed to get messier, and the upshot is that maybe there's a mole inside the FBI (just like in "24!") or maybe not; maybe the conspiracy's bigger than Olivia's being told. And the producers throw in a little catfight to enliven things. Peter says something snarky.

And the "Remote-Free TV" bonus scenes - those that'll be cut when the show appears with the usual barrage of commercials - involve Olivia with her sister.

And Peter says something snarky.

- "Fringe:" 9 tonight; Fox Channel 11.

The good news: "Mad Men" creator Matthew Weiner has re-upped with AMC and Lionsgate, for a pile of money heretofore unseen during this recession, which means he'll be continuing to guide the show. A possible movie and the development of additional series are part of Weiner's new deal.

The bad news: The lead to the story linked above is, "Matthew Weiner is a 'Mad Men' again." Huh?

We've previously discussed Jason Jones' being really insulting to everything and everyone on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart."

Now, his wife, Samantha Bee, steps up to the plate and offers a segment equally appalling/appealing: She tries to help the Republican Party "re-brand" itself for the new Century (in sort of the same way that Mercury Insurance might want to re-define sodomizing people who have the misfortune of violently encountering their bad drivers as "helping victims of accidents understand that they don't need compensation from a cheapskate insurance outfit that doesn't care a whit for victims of its members who don't know how to drive").

TV Press Tour has come and, more mercifully, gone. As evidenced by some sorry scheduling, there often wasn't a whole lot for sundry networks to discuss in terms of how they'll revive their schedules this winter and spring, though that didn't always mean they presented fewer press conferences for upcoming shows, just fewer interesting ones.

Hence: Herewith, the lessons learned. Some new, others only reinforced through repetition that began in previous press tours. But few, alas, particularly encouraging.

Lesson One: NBC is kind of really chickensh!t. The biggest news that could have come from this January confab concerned NBC's decision to give Jay Leno five hours of primetime come September 2009, which sliced both the network's costs and its impending order for scripted primetime series, translating into, as NBC star Richard Belzer ("Law & Order: Special Victims Unit") noted, the loss of "thousands" of Hollywood jobs among creators, actors and crew members.

(A network, a show's title - this is all purely coincidence, right?)

Given the opportunity to discuss this budget-slashing (NBC axed a lot of other positions, too, among its executive ranks), the network punted. Co-chairmen Ben Silverman and Marc Graboff were no-shows on the press-conference stage, nudging neophyte executives Angela Bromstad and Paul Telegdy into the spotlight to dodge questions about NBC's woes. "They're sending Paul and Angela to the wolves," noted one unnamed source to the Hollywood Reporter; Telegdy told critics, "We're here to talk about TV shows rather than corporate changes."

Given that NBC has bounced its once-highly-touted series "Kings" from 10 p.m. Thursday to 8 p.m. Sunday and has only ordered six episodes apiece for its new scripted shows and feverishly announced an incredibly redundant cooking-reality show, "The Chopping Block," there's not really much to discuss regarding their shows.

Lesson Two: There's no point in asking about low-rated shows because executives aren't going to concede they've been cancelled, even if they've already been cancelled.

For example, here's Bromstad on "Lipstick Jungle," which trade publications have already buried: "We officially have not cancelled 'Lipstick Jungle.' ... I think that there are alternatives that we may look into for 'Lipstick Jungle.'"

And here's Bromstad on "Chuck," a show critics like but pretty much no one watches: "It is going to face tough competition, but it's certainly a show that we'll be looking at when we make our decisions this spring." Translation: "It's certainly a show that we'll be looking at to cancel when we make our decisions this spring."

("Can you believe this wasn't enough to lure a decent audience?")

And here's ABC's Entertainment president Stephen McPherson, who at least did deign to show up before the assembled TV critics to (mostly honestly) mull over his network's lousy ratings, on "According to Jim," which should've been cancelled at least two seasons ago: "We should just leave that open because I think 'Jim' has been an amazing asset for us. I think it has gone on and they've performed beyond everyone's expectations. And I thank them for all their work. I think this is probably the final run, but you never say never." Translation: "You never say never - unless you have taste."

Lesson Three: Show talent hate appearing at Press Tour, and will look for any reason to get offstage as quickly as possible.

Press Tour protocol calls for reporters not to ask any questions until a network page has given them a microphone, so that those onstage for any given press conference can actually hear their questions. It takes a while for the pages to reach reporters at the very beginning of press conferences. Nonetheless, those onstage invariably interpret the lack of a question within three seconds of the beginning of a press conference as an overwhelming disinterest in their project and are willing - there and then - to call it quits, standing up and removing their microphones in (semi)-mock-protest.

To wit: Here're how sundry press conferences began. ABC's "Better Off Ted:"

JAY HARRINGTON (star): "Well?"

VICTOR FRESCO: "We have questions for all of you."

Fox's "Sit Down, Shut Up:"

MITCHELL HURWITZ: "How is lunch? What are we interrupting?"

JASON BATEMAN: "That's a cricket. Awkward. I just squished a cricket."

Fox's "Dollhouse:"

JOSS WHEDON: "I feel very, very strange."

ABC's "Castle:"

NATHAN FILLION (responding to silence): "That was awesome. (Offering his own question to series creator Andrew Marlowe:) Andrew, however did you come up with that?"

ABC's "In the Motherhood:"

MEGAN MULLALLY: "Thunderous applause. Oh, my God. It goes all in the back (where the network's publicists sit).

STUART BLOOMBERG (executive producer): "Okay. Thank you."

MEGAN MULLALLY: "Wow. Playing the quiet game."

And Fox's "24:"

KIEFER SUTHERLAND (after a few seconds of silence): "Okay. We're done."

("How hard is it to ask a simple question about aesthetics, j@ck@$$?")

Lesson Four: Alone among network employees, only Craig Ferguson genuinely cared if TV critics manage to survive on the daily recommended caloric intake of food-like sustenance.

Before Ferguson appeared at Press Tour, he sent pizzas to the hotel where out-of-town critics were staying. "It was a shameless attempt at corrupting you," he joked during his press conference. "I think (the other networks) are confident that they are going to get such an easy ride from you guys that they don't feel they have to bribe you. I, however, am deeply insecure."

But, when he learned how much other networks were skimping on their breadlines - CBS (Ferguson's own network) failed to provide enough box lunches to serve all the critics covering the tour, NBC didn't start its sessions until after lunch, and ABC offered box lunches that even "Lost's" creators semi-acknowledged were lame - he tried to help out again.

Ferguson tried to dispatch In-N-Out Burger's mobile truck to the hotel parking lot, but was told by the hotel that they wouldn't allow it on their premises, that he'd have to spring for their purported foodstuffs. (If you've ever had an In-N-Out burger, and if you've ever had a far-more-inferior-yet-far-more-costly Universal City Hilton burger, you realize such a bait-and-switch is extortion to a Madoff-style degree on the hotel's behalf.) And, once Press Tour had concluded Friday evening, he sent even more pizzas to the hotel, with the fulsomely kindly addendum, "We wish you full stomachs and safe travels as you head home."

("And I decree that every person who giveth their life to improve the sanctity of television should be provided at the very least a slice of pizza, so help me God!")

Just an aside to Mr. Ferguson: Your gesture was truly lovely, but hey, I live in town and so wasn't at the hotel when your largess was delivered. I've struggled through the last year (oh, the stories I could tell you about the blithely unrepentant jerks who don't return your calls at Mercury Insurance!), so a slice of pizza or two would truly be appreciated.

That wasn't too whorish, was it?

When Your Mayor was in college, he wrote a short story for a fiction class entitled "Kindness to a Fault." It was about a guy whose suicide attempt was interrupted by a massive earthquake (get it - "Kindness to a Fault?" My, I was quite the wit). When the guy came to, he couldn't find his razor blades anywhere in his home's rubble, so in the havoc of the tremor's aftermath, he hightailed it down to the neighborhood mall to loot a pack of razor blades so he could finish the job. Complications ensued. It was a comedy.

I mention this only because I was reminded of it by tonight's episode of "House," which is not a comedy. In it, a man in chronic pain is interrupted in his suicide attempt and rushed to the hospital, where House (Hugh Laurie) and the gang try to save his life, against his wishes.

("You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here.")

"Please - just let me die," the guy pleads. "No," House replies. Boy, House has been cruel to patients in the past, but this is just beyond the pale.

Truth be told, you almost get the feeling that they're phoning it in on the disease-of-the-week here, because they're more interested in the sundry character subplots. The patient's death wish forces House to (kind of) examine his own motivations. Cameron (Jennifer Morrison) phones in a favor to House to get him to take the case for surreptitious motives. Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein) is too preoccupied with proving she's a good foster mom to the foster-home officials to really facilitate or muck up House's investigation into the sick guy's ailment. And Foreman (Omar Epps) - who recently swapped a smooch with the ostensibly terminally ill Thirteen (Olivia Wilde) - is preoccupied with helping her, which in turn may help him get into her pants.

Perfectly acceptable episode, with (spoiler alert) a happy ending.

In my short story, not quite as happy an ending: The guy got killed in an aftershock. Cheap irony, I think it was called back then.

- "House:" 8 p.m. Monday, Fox Channel 11.

ABC has an upcoming sitcom, "Better off Ted," starring Jay Harrington as a talented drudge at a tech corporation that creates weapons and other really bad things gleefully and amorally. Tonally, it's like another show from creator Victor Fresco that (not enough) people really liked, "Andy Richter Controls the Universe."

Says Fresco, "I relate to the environment of working for people who don't care about you." And, no doubt, so should a lot of people in today's environment.

"I feel like I've worked in this corporate world," Fresco continued. "As we say in the show, '"Profits before people" - it's on the logo, it just sounds better because it's in Latin."'"

One of the products developed by the corporation is a chair that's so uncomfortable it somehow manages to increase employee productivity. This notion comes from Fresco's own experience working on an earlier sitcom. "We came [into the writers room] one season to discover that the studio had switched out the chairs to save $100 a chair."

Not a completely loving way to treat people who spend 10 hours a day in their chairs, but not as bad as on "Better Off Ted," where executives decide to subject an employee to a cryogenic experiment. The joke concerns just how blithely bosses treat their employees.

"They so matter-of-factly decide to freeze one of their employees. It's not, 'Oh, this is terrible;' it's more, 'Oh, OK, that's where we are now.' It's that acceptance of such behavior."

Viewers will relate - or, maybe, pine for the days when they had bosses who treated them so badly.

Rachel Maddow showed up at TV Press Tour today, and that's good, because she was scheduled to. Maddow's MSNBC show was an instant hit - she routinely kicks Larry King's @ss, but then, really, who among us couldn't?

What's remarkable about Maddow's show is that it's a bluster-free zone, which is virtually unheard-of in the cable-news universe. Her show's smart and funny without ever raising its voice; its success would suggest that other cable-news shows would be wise to follow her lead.

So I asked her about this. And she answered:

"I can't speak too much to what it is like to experience other people's shows as a viewer because I don't watch much TV. But I do know what it was like to be a guest on other people's shows where, for a very long time, I was in the wilderness, where it was -- I was Punch and they were also booking Judy, or I was Judy and they were also booking Punch. And it didn't really matter what we were talking about, as long as we were going to fight.

"We were essentially
-- it was sort of boxing masquerading as news. I was in that position for a long time in a lot of different environments on a lot of different networks, and sometimes I was good at it, and sometimes I wasn't, and sometimes it was demoralizing, and sometimes it was fun. But I knew -- when it became even remotely possible that I might be able to host, I knew that I would not pay that forward, that I would not be hosting 'Punch and Judy' shows at all.

"Plenty of places to get it. It's not going to die. There's a reason people book it that way. A -- it's very easy. B -- the host has no real role, so they can relax and have a smoke. And C -- it does actually -- kinetic activity does draw eyeballs. I don't learn anything from that process. I don't -- sometimes you learn how to argue well, but that's kind of it. And I honestly sort of want to learn something. I want to have there be a reason that we've taken up that time on this precious broadcast medium that we've got. So I don't host that.

"I certainly have give-and-take with my guests, but it's going to be one-on-one. It's going to be civil. I'm not going to tell anybody to shut up unless they say something about my mom or something else that I can't control myself about. But other than that, [civil discourse is] the way that I want to take in information."

In the past, networks showing off their wares at TV Press Tour have treated the hard-working journalists covering the event to sumptuous buffets of food like this:

But with this sorry economic downturn, this Press Tour - which the Washington Post's Lisa de Moraes has taken to calling the "I Think I'll Just Take Some of These Dinner Rolls to Feed My Hungry Children Winter TV Press Tour 2009" - the spreads have looked more like this:

NBC's even trimming costs by not bothering scheduling an entire day of press conferences and avoiding having their big guns, co-chairmen Ben Silverman and Marc Graboff, give a press conference. Instead, they've trotted out primetime entertainment executive Angela Bromstad and reality guy Paul Telegdy, who can dodge the tougher questions about NBC's woes; as Telegdy puts it, "We're here to talk about TV shows rather than corporate changes."

It kind of feels like a cheap overseas knockoff of a Press Tour session. With, probably, unhealthy levels of lead paint.

So here's the news: Bromstad thinks, "We still have some amazing quality shows on the air" and "Knight Rider" and "Kath & Kim" are "fair tries." They're "thrilled" to have Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien on the network. The network has still not officially cancelled "Lipstick Jungle." And they've added three more episodes of the final season of "ER," because, you know, why not. Bromstad kind of dances around what kind of programming she likes, pretty much settling on whatever's good. "You have to have a strategy," she explains. "We have to have quality and we have to have the ratings."

Pretty revolutionary notions, I'm sure you'll agree. As press conferences go, it's a fair try.

Patrick McGoohan, who created the trippy, ahead-of-its-time-and-now-immortal '60s series "The Prisoner," about one man who battles conformity, mind control and everything that no one bothers to battle anymore, died Tuesday at the age of 80. He's not a number; he's a free man.

McGoohan starred as Number Six, and played him with both intensity and a droll sense of humor. Prior to "The Prisoner," McGoohan starred in "Secret Agent" (AKA "Danger Man"); "The Prisoner" was generally considered an unofficial sequel to that series.

Last week at TV Press Tour, producers of AMC's upcoming miniseries update of "The Prisoner" said they tried to get McGoohan to do a cameo for the production (which was shot in Africa), but health reasons prevented it.

Herewith, some clips from the series which kind of underscored its themes, crazily out of context. Make of them what you will.

Fox has a new animated comedy titled "Sit Down, Shut Up" coming up, so naturally a lot of the questions during its TV Press Tour session today were about ... "Arrested Development." Which is because "Sit Down, Shut Up" is executive produced by Mitchell Hurwitz, who created "AD," and features the voices of Jason Bateman and Will Arnett.

"Arrested Development," of course, was a program much beloved by the handful of people who actually watched it. Critics raved, it won an Emmy for Best Comedy Series, and was history after two and a half seasons - Fox burned off its final four episodes opposite the opening ceremony of the 2006 Winter Olympics. Three years later, it's one of the most popular series available on Hulu.com, however.

So Hurwitz and Company were asked to perform an autopsy on their show: Just why did it die?

Hurwitz: You know, "Arrested Development" really was a show for adults, and it was the kind of show that required -- I mean, we made a choice to do a show that required people to really invest time and energy, and it was a bit of an audacious choice and, as it turned out, a wrong-headed one because they didn't.

Arnett: And I think people maybe felt, along
the way, it was hard to get -- to find a way into "Arrested Development," that, if they hadn't gotten in on it early enough, that somehow it was inaccessible. And, you know, obviously we didn't get the ratings, but we got a lot of love from the critics along the way. And at a certain point, I think that people looked at it as homework, frankly. They thought, "All right. I get it. This show is funny, and I'm supposed to watch." Forget it.

Hurwitz: It may never have worked as a big audience thing, but a lot of it is just timing. It does seem like perhaps there is more of an audience for that kind of thing there right now.

Bateman: With DVD really taking off at that time, too, I think people quickly realized, "Well, I kind of missed the first half-dozen episodes. I'll just wait for the DVD to come out at the end of the year and buy it there and watch it all in a row," which is kind of really the great way to watch it, that or on DVRs which at the time were not being monitored.

Hurwitz: The other kind of interesting historical note was the year I think we went off the air was the year that the Nielsen Company started counting college campuses, which really was like the basis of our audience in many ways.

Arnett: There was a stat. I remember the first time that they did a same-sampling from the DVR -- (in) the Nielsen ratings, we were like fifth from the bottom or something, but in the DVR sampling, we were like 20th
in shows that were TiVo'd. By the way, we never [think] about this.

Bateman: This is a window of how we [spent] the last three years.

Hurwitz: I think basically it comes down
to we shouldn't have used Jeffrey Tambor.

Hurwitz also made the proposed film version seem a little further away or speculative than other reports have suggested. He did offer, however, "We have a
story, which is basically 'Valkyrie' meets 'Hotel For Dogs.'"

The other cast members sounded like they've gotten a little tired of hearing about the halcyon days of "Arrested Development."

"They've been very nice about signing autographs for us," said Nick Kroll. "We don't ask for them. They just sign things and hand them to us."

"I just recycle all the signed DVDs to my kids' school auction," added Tom Kenny. "That's what we all do."

There's always plenty to discuss at the "24" press conference at TV Press Tour - Jack Bauer's gifts for torture and driving from downtown L.A. to New Hampshire in 10 minutes in L.A. traffic being among them.

And so, it was particularly annoying this morning when someone among the assemblage (I hesitate to call her a journalist) asked the cast members a question about how they stay in shape. Why some clown from Fitness magazine (or wherever she was from) wandered into TV Press Tour - and why she decided it was a fine idea to eat up about a huge chunk of press-conference time on a question that no one else in the room was going to be able to use in their stories - is anyone's guess.

(Jack Bauer has a bullet at the ready for buffoons who waste his time.)

So, at lunch, every table was filled - except for the table with that particular questioner, who was sitting alone, until there was absolutely nowhere else for latecomers to sit.

(FYI, they work out and eat right.)

According to an "American Idol" promo, "Every dream starts with a song," and while that's demonstrably untrue, it's true that every good "American Idol" press conference features a moment in which Paula Abdul calls attention to herself, and not in a good way.

And so it went this afternoon at TV Press Tour, where Abdul and new judge Kara DioGuardi began the session chummily holding hands. Halfway through, DioGuardi was leaning as far away from Abdul as she could.

"We have a great history together, and it bothers Simon (Cowell) no end," Abdul said of her friendship with DioGuardi, whom she took under her wing a decade back (they wrote a song together, "Spinning Around," that was a hit in Europe, wherever that is) and moved her into her home. Which apparently gives Abdul license to share embarrassing anecdotes about her friend.

"She walks in her sleep," Abdul revealed. "I'd get up in the morning, and there'd be food ground into my carpet, and she doesn't even recall doing that."

DioGuardi copped to that indiscretion, but the two bickered over how long she stayed with Abdul. "I have a bad memory," DioGuardi conceded, and when Abdul started telling another story, she leaned away in horror - or mock-horror - and whinnied, "You're not telling this story."

Actually, yes, Abdul was telling the story: "A friend of hers said to her, 'Remember being at Mardi Gras and someone grabbed a body part and stole your purse?' And she said, 'No I don't remember.'"

"I can't believe you told that story," DioGuardi sulked.

"I didn't say what body part," Abdul offered.

Abdul was asked about her criticism of "Idol's" producers, particularly over the way the show allowed Paula Goodspeed, who had been stalking the "Idol" judge, to audition for the show. Goodspeed committed suicide outside Abdul's home last November.

"That's a loaded question," Abdul said, before embarking on a roundelay of dissembling: "I was not quoted saying anything disparaging about 'American Idol' at all. ... I am a big fan of the show. It's the greatest show in the world, worldwide."

In December, Abdul told Barbara Walters, "I said this girl is a stalker of mine and please do not let her in," and added that the producers Abdul allowed Goodspeed on the show "for entertainment value. It's fun for them to cause me stress. This was something that would make good television." Asked why she still worked for people who would pull such a potentially dangerous stunt, she desultorily replied, "Well, I'm under contract."

Executive producer Ken Warwick took a page from the Alberto Gonzalez playbook, simply insisting he couldn't recall the event.

"I can't talk about it anymore - it's an ongoing police report," Abdul added.

Executive producer Cecile Frot-Coutaz interjected: "I don't think we should spend all this time talking about [the suicide]. ... Being a big fan to what happened is a big difference. Nobody could have known, and we're terribly sorry that it happened... I don't think it's fair to keep talking about it."

And so they didn't. But what they did talk about in its stead wasn't as interesting.

Jason Jones is leaving "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" at some point in the nearish future to star in a CBS sitcom with his wife, Samantha Bee. In the meantime, he doesn't seem to care who he p!sses off and, with that anything-goes attitude, is creating some virulent magic. Consider this clip from last night's show, in which he dazzlingly eviscerates the whole art of cable-news punditry (Step one - the only step, really: "Disregard everything you know about human decency"):

Fox Entertainment president Kevin Reilly, who got dumped from NBC a month or so after signing a multiyear contract with the network so they could bring in visionary partier Ben Silverman, was asked a question this morning at TV Press Tour about NBC's putting Jay Leno on in primetime.

"NBC for me is like the crazy ex-wife I can't get away from," he cracked.

Then he answered the question. "I was surprised to see that," he said. "It was a smart, strategic move for them, [being] in a very troubled place."

Discussing NBC's chances for filling the rest of its schedule with Leno taking up five hours, Reilly noted, "The network has struggled establishing shows at 8 o'clock, even at their height. ... For the network that was the premiere network for scripted fare, that's a troubling development."

A few years ago on BBC America, an inspired little surreal series that looked like educational films from the '70s entitled "Look Around You" aired. It answered such questions as "Where was Schubert built?" and "What is the world's largest number?" And then it disappeared without a trace and the world was a sadder place.

Until now: "Look Around You" returns to Adult Swim this Sunday (well, Monday) at 1 a.m.

Well, you say: That's great news, but I can't stay up that late; I have to get to work in the morning. Fear not, because we have sample episodes for you to watch here!

And: "This role of sticky tape is a ghost:"

There have been murmurs that Ricky Gervais has been approached about hosting various awards shows. Last night at the Golden Globes, ale in hand and Holocaust joke at the ready, he proved why this would be a terrific idea (a little background: In the first season of Gervais's "Extras," Winslet and Gervais touted the virtues of Holocaust films in their ability to win actors awards):

Bonus clip: The Gospel According to Ricky (warning: a few naughty words):

The Daily News has finally constructed an entertainment web page where you're guaranteed of finding stuff written by staffers instead of dealing with LA.com. And here's a story that's currently on it:

(If you're made of money, you can actually own this.)

Ronald Moore, who adapted the cheesy '70s "Star Wars" knockoff "Battlestar Galactica" into the dark, complex and brooding drama that became a critics darling and a fervent fan favorite, confesses that he wasn't exactly initially keen on the notion of auctioning off its props to the highest bidder once his show shut down production.

"It was like having someone come in and sell off all your family heirlooms," admits Moore, whose show concerns the last known surviving humans struggling to survive against a cybernetic race they created called the Cylons. "I was a little upset about it."

But, he continues, "Now, I'm sort of enthusiastic about it, because realistically, what's going to happen to this stuff? The studios will crate it up in some musty warehouse where it'll not be taken care of and fall to (crap). With an auction, these items will be taken care of; they'll be kept and cherished and traded among people who care."

Moore recalled that while he worked on "Star Trek: The Next Generation," the Enterprise's observation deck was remodeled and a set of gold spacecrafts that had been used as set decoration that he admired were "thrown in a dumpster. I saved 'em. The studio doesn't care. So when I remind myself of that, (the auction's) a great thing. But initially, my reaction was, 'You're gonna what?'"

As "Battlestar Galactica" prepares to sail into the distant reaches of the TV galaxy - the first of its final 10 episodes airs next Friday on the Sci Fi Channel - fans of the show, among TV's most loyal, will be able to bid on props, costumes, set pieces and production art from the series next weekend at the Pasadena Convention Center. Among the items up for grabs: sultry outfits worn by Number Six (Tricia Helfer) and Starbuck's (Katee Sackhoff) uniforms, Cylon blasters, Viper and Raptor helmets and even a 30-foot-long Viper warship.

On Friday, fans are invited to a preview day in which fans can view the items up for bid and hear the show's production, costume and set designers will discuss their contributions to the show. Fans can bid online next weekend on auctionnetwork.com; pins, badges and other smaller items will be available after the live auction on eBay. Some of the proceeds go to the United Way.

No other series has auctioned off so many of its assets just as it leaves the air.

"An auction like this takes a show with a certain loyal audience that's passionate," says Alec Peters, CEO of Propworx, [cq] who has organized the event. "'Battlestar Galactica' and maybe a couple of other shows that you can say that about. And other shows that have loyal followings are more terrestrial: 'Law & Order' is the number-one brand on TV, but how many cool items are there? You could sell (District Attorney) McCoy's suit. With 'Battlestar,' you have so much cool stuff."

Not bad for a show that was met with such virulence when an initial miniseries first appeared in 2003. Purist fans of the 1978 original regarded Moore's sophisticated re-imagining as blasphemy, particularly since Moore had the audacity to turn Starbuck, played in the original show by Dirk Benedict as an inveterate womanizer, into Sackhoff's kick-butt female fighter pilot. Of course, that emerged as just one of Moore's most inspired modifications.

"Entire websites were dedicated to how much people hated this show," Moore recalls with a laugh. "On one of the message boards, someone's avatar was a picture of me with a gun on the side of my head and animated blood spurting out the other side - that was his avatar.

But "by the second season," Moore adds, thanks to overwhelming fan adulation, purist kvetching "all went away."

On the other hand, in recent years the pressure to create the ultimate series finale for beloved shows has escalated. "Seinfeld's" failed finale and "The Sopranos"' controversial (non-)conclusion disappointed longtime fans. Moore conceded to sweating the finale.

"The lion's share of the pressure was internal," he says. "We wanted a good ending for our story, to feel a sense of accomplishment when we walk away from it. We wanted to make the best episode we can and leave it all on the field."

Working on the third season, Moore and his writing team already sensed that the series was in the home stretch and that the fourth season would be its last, but they didn't come up with the concluding storyline until well into the final season.

"We got hung up on plot things breaking the final episode," Moore admits. "We got hung up on the action pieces and the plot. I came home, I was not happy, I took a shower, and while in the shower, I realized: It's really about the characters.

"The next day," he continues. "I went in the writers room and wrote on the whiteboard, 'It's about the characters.' We'll make a simple plot but it'll be a complex story about the people. From then on, it was simply a matter of figuring out the specifics. And everyone was on the same page. I've talked to all the actors and they were really happy with the way their characters ended."

If that's the case, the memorabilia should prove even more valuable to the show's fans.

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA AUCTION
What: Auction of props, set pieces, costumes and production designs from the cult-hit series.
Where: Pasadena Convention Center, 300 E. Green St., Pasadena, Calif.
When: Preview day with appearances throughout the day by key production members, 10 a.m.-5 pm. Friday; live auction, 9 a.m.-6 p.m. Jan. 17 and 10 a.m.-7 p.m. Jan. 18.
Admission: Free with pre-registration at www.auctionnetwork.com (where fans can also bid online).
. More information at www.battlestarprops.com. Smaller items will be available after the live auction on eBay.

- "Battlestar Galactica:" 10 p.m. Friday, Sci Fi Channel.

"Damages"' second-season return - fueled by Glenn Close's Emmy win and a bewildering promotional campaign featuring Rose Byrne planting a stiletto heel on Glen Close's throat on billboards and the two of them elegantly playing peek-a-boo on an escalator on TV commercials - pretty much tanked on Wednesday, losing 44% of its audience from its debut two years ago and getting somewhere fewer than 1 million viewers.

Too bad; it's a terrific show fraught with widespread sinister behavior. But it's also yet another casualty of the writers strike - any recent show that was left twisting in the wind for nine months (think "Pushing Daisies," "Chuck," "Life," "Dirty Sexy Money," "Private Practice," "Heroes") has tanked or struggled mightily, and "Damages" has been off the air for more than a year. Well, and that promotional campaign didn't give you any idea of what the show's really about.

Ted Haggard, the evangelical preacher who was revealed to have been conducting a homosexual affair - and treating himself to a little methamphetamine on the side - at the same time that he was appearing in movie theaters railing against homosexuality in the documentary "Jesus Camp," is the subject of the upcoming HBO documentary, "The Trials of Ted Haggard." The film, charting his fall from grace and subsequent struggles after being ousted from his Colorado church and post as president of the National Association of Evangelicals, premieres Jan. 29.

Haggard and his family appeared Friday afternoon at TV Press Tour. "We were unable to answer questions for two years, and now that we have the freedom to answer questions, we want to answer questions," he declared. "That's what we want to do."

And from there, he offered up some copious mea culpa's, though what he was apologizing for, it seems, was a little vague: Being gay? Getting caught? Being a hypocrite? Being intolerant?

"I do think that the people who did not show us (respect) were just," he said.

"I don't preach to others now. ... If people hate me I understand that," he said.

"I made the wrong decision - I thought I could've dealt with that area of my life myself. ... I should've resigned my position way earlier than I did. I should've been way opener with my family than I was and the community," he said.

"I now know more about hatred than I ever knew. Jesus said, 'Love one another and forgive one another.' I know a lot more about the power of forgiveness and I know a lot more about the necessity of people not judging one another," he said.

"I am not happy with where I am right now. I'm just further along than I was two years ago ... and in two years, I'll be further along than I am today," he said.

"It taught me how desperately I need help from God," he said.

"I'm much more compassionate, much more understanding in my life," he said.

But what Haggard dodged was kind of the key point of the saga: whether he still considered homosexuality an abomination before God. Asked, "Do gay people have to change?", he responded, "All people are in equally desperate need of redemption, compassion, forgiveness, those things."

Asked if a person has "improved" if he or she "changes" from gay to straight, he replied, "That's up to you." The precise purpose of his therapy remained elusive.

His daughter Christy came closest to acknowledging the nexus between her father's hypocrisy in championing intolerance and subsequent decrying of the repercussions of his own actions. "We were more judgmental than we are now," she said. "A lot of people were hurt. A lot of people deserve an apology from our family."

As critics continued to attempt to crowbar some clarity from Haggard's vagaries, HBO executive Sheila Nevin interjected: "May I suggest that we answer this question privately outside?"

Vociferously, the crowd responded: "No!" It may have been the most spirited press moment at the tour thusfar.

"This process has made me a better man than I've ever been, and I don't want to talk about it anymore," Haggard said. So much for answering questions.

"Talent-wise, we have the Kardashians..."

Patrick Swayze, who has been battling pancreatic cancer for the past year, was supposed to attend TV Press Tour this afternoon to promote his new A&E series "The Beast," in which he plays a grizzled FBI Agent. Alas, AETN CEO Abbe Raven opened the session with the announcement: "Patrick has checked himself into the hospital. He asked us to go forward with the panel. We wish him the very best."

A&E President Bob DeBitetto elaborated: "Patrick checked himself into the hospital for observation after coming down with pneumonia. He wants you to know he's very sorry he can't be here, and that he plans to get back to promoting 'The Beast' after he gets back on his feet and is feeling well again."

In an interview that aired Wednesday night on ABC, Swayze told Barbara Walters, "You can bet that I'm going through hell, And I've only seen the beginning of it. ... There's a lot of fear here. There's a lot of stuff going on. Yeah, I'm scared. Yeah, I'm angry. Yeah, I'm [asking], why me."

Showrunner John Romano said: "We work in the shadow of a tremendous act of courage."

Co-star Travis Fimmel said of working with Swayze: "It's been an absolute inspiration for me. You can't help but respect him. he makes the little things seem so not important. ... The sickest thing about him on set is probably his jokes."

Swayze's health notwithstanding, it's business as usual at Press Tour. The second question of the session coldly ignored the actor completely, asking the utterly irrelevant question, "This looks like a very male-oriented show - what are you doing to make it more appealing to women?"

Much later this year, AMC will present a six-hour miniseries adaptation of "The Prisoner," creator/star Patrick McGoohan's trippy saga about a government agent who, after resigning his position, is spirited away against his will to an idyllic hell where he is encouraged - at times, rather brutally - to conform to the community's mores.

AMC had a press conference for the production. I asked a couple of questions. They answered them, sort of.

QUESTION: The original series, obviously, was about a warning about the evils of obsessive surveillance and community control. Obviously, no one paid attention to it, because we're quite comfortable with those concepts today. How do you intend to ratchet that up to an appropriate level of paranoia for the viewers? Also, obviously, Number 2
changed from episode to episode. If Sir Ian could talk about what his character -- you know, if it's an amalgamation of some of the characters, the Number 2s in the original series, or if it's just a brand-new creation altogether?

NICK HURRAN (Director): I think in ratcheting up the parallel, I think our world has done that for us, hasn't it? Over the last few months, the question of freedom to make mistakes, should we be allowed to have that freedom where it enables us to make our own choice, even if that's a bad choice and we make mistakes, or should we allow a society to control us, where everything will be protected for us and we'll be very happy if we don't have that freedom? Goodness me, when you look around and see perhaps that the state of play around us in the world, who knows whether it's right or wrong. Those questions are left unanswered, but I think it becomes more poignant as we go on. As to Number 2 -

SIR IAN MCKELLEN: Well, one of the characteristics of the original was that in 17 episodes, the questions that you were invited to ask as to why and who is in charge and what are their motives, was never really answered. Hence, the enduring fascination, I think. The viewers are still guessing as to what was the meaning of it all. Well, this is different. By episode six, you know everything about The Village: Where it came from, where it's going to, who created it, why they did it and what it's like to actually live there. I think (screenwriter) Bill Gallagher needed a 2 who was central to this story of the meaning of The Village, because he seems to be running it and to have it played by a number of characters would just be cute, but not to the point, and I'm very grateful because it gives me an absolutely wonderful part.

QUESTION: Is there any parallel (in the miniseries) for the
rover, the giant beach ball that ran around the city?

NICK HURRAN: Well, that's very tricky. Our rover? Who knows. I mean, everybody, the first thing they do is go, "Is the -- is the white ball or rover there?" I think, in the original, there's some marvelous stories of -
they had spent an awful lot of money making some fabulous contraption that would hover like a hovercraft and then sink down below the water like a submarine and then climb the walls of a building when required. And on the first day of filming, I think they say it came out, went into the water, sank, and never came up again. We might have had a similar sort of thing happening, but I couldn't possibly say at the moment. But a rover may make an appearance. He's a big part of what is "The Prisoner," I think.

At the Press Tour session for AMC's "Breaking Bad," which won Bryan Cranston a surprise but deserving Emmy for Best Actor in a Drama last September, the actor recalled the evening:

"I had three previous nominations and didn't win, so I was pretty comfortable with not winning, and familiar with that feeling, and I was preparing myself for the same thing. My wife, on the other hand, was starting to hyperventilate a little bit and get sweaty palms, which is very attractive, one of the reasons I married her. And I just told her to relax; don't get all worked up because they're not going to mention my name; let's just have fun and enjoy this. And then Keifer Sutherland said, 'Bryan Cranston,' and (I thought), 'That sounds familiar.' And then you realize, oh, my God that's -- that's me. The one thought I had after I kissed my family and started to walk up the stage was, please, please, God, let me put a sentence together with a -- you know, a nice noun and a verb and adjective, perhaps. I'm not too choosy. And not to say, 'Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, God. This is so surreal. Oh, God. Oh, times up. Oh, God oh, God. Oh, wow.'

"Because, you know, you don't want to look back on that and go, 'That's what I said?'"

Series creator Vince Gilligan added that he enjoyed Cranston's victory vicariously.

"That was one of the finest moments of my life," Gilligan said. "And I kid you not, when they called his name, I just -- I teared up, and I yelled loud as I could, not even realizing I was, like, jumping to my feet, doing it. And it was one of the greatest nights of my life. I've never had kids. That would be first, I would think ..."

Cranston interrupted: "No. No. I've had kids. It's not. It's the award."

Yesterday at TV Press Tour, PBS President and CEO Paula Kerger decried the lack of progress being made in preparing for the impending transition from analogue to digital TV (long story short - if you still watch TV via an antenna or rabbit ears, come Feb. 17 your TV will just be a bulky doorstop incapable of picking up any signal unless you have a converter box hooked up to it):

"I'm very disheartened to hear that with a month before the DTV deadline, the federal government has run out of money to help citizens purchase digital converter boxes. Consumers need those [$40] coupons, and they need them now, and to put them on a waiting list, which is what is happening, is inexcusable. I really call upon Congress and the NTIA to work together to fix this as soon as possible. We need to get those boxes connected to people's television sets, and at a time when people are making very hard economic choices in their households, and many are choosing free over-the-air television and closing down their cable accounts because they cannot afford to keep them, I think we need to make sure that every household that can be connected to a box is connected to a box. ...

"The coupons have a 90-day expiration. And ... the situation where people got coupons early, couldn't find the boxes, coupons expired. ... I'm particularly concerned about the impact of children that rely on our programs, particularly children in lower income households, that may lose the opportunity to watch programs that are not only entertaining for them, but educational."

Ask and you shall receive: Per Digital Media Wire, "President-elect Barack Obama is urging key lawmakers to postpone the Feb. 17 transition to digital television broadcasting, as the federal program providing coupons to consumers for the purchase of necessary digital converter boxes has run out of funds, the Associated Press reported. 'With coupons unavailable, support and education insufficient, and the most vulnerable Americans exposed, I urge you to consider a change to the legislatively mandated analog cutoff date,' John Podesta, co-chair of the Obama transition team, wrote in a letter to a bipartisan group of lawmakers on the Senate and House Commerce committees."

Word is that the Bush Administration selected Feb. 17 so that the inevitable headache when people can't watch their morning stories and Dr. Phil would be the next guy's problem. And now, Obama's wanting to kick the predicament further down the road. Which only seems fair, since it's not like the guy doesn't have anything else pressing on his plate.

Alas, Kerger's not having any of it: "I think it is not going to happen. You know, a piece of the spectrum has already been auctioned off. This thing is moving forward. And I think for anyone to assume that the deadline is going to shift at this point is -- I just don't see it."

Former "SNL" cast member Chris Kattan is heading soon to Mumbai to shoot a semi-improvisational comedy series, "Bollywood Hero," for IFC to air this summer. In the show, Kattan plays himself, a guy who can't find work in Hollywood so he heads to Mumbai to become a huge Bollywood star, which of course isn't nearly as easy as he thinks, since he's going to have to become a song-and-dance man.

Well, shooting the show may not be as easy as he thinks, either, given last Thanksgiving's terrorist attacks in Mumbai.

At TV Press Tour, we have been apprised that the show's producers have determined that it'll be safe to shoot in India, but Kattan, his ear for geopolitics quite clearly finely attuned, says, "If the terror stuff - is that the way to put it? - if something happens, we'd deal with it (in the show)."

Belisa Malaban, the show's executive producer, says, "It's more important than ever to shoot our show in Mumbai."

Rishi Malhotra, the series' technical expert on the Bollywood entertainment industry, says, "Mumbai is a character (in the show). We need to shoot there. What we're doing from a production standpoint is taking precautions to protect our crew as if we're shooting anywhere."

"Like Encino," adds Kattan.

Richard Belzer, who stars on NBC's "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," slammed his network this afternoon at TV Press Tour for stripping Jay Leno's talk show across five hours of primetime in the fall 2009 season.

"It may be good for comedy, in a limited way, but it's a terrible, terrible trend for television," said Belzer, noting that he wasn't down on Leno per se but that the move puts thousands of actors, writers, producers and crew members who would otherwise working on the network's 10 p.m. dramas out of work.

"It's an act by a network that's desperate," Belzer continued. "It's the last gasp of a dying network. I think it's a tragedy, frankly."

Belzer hypothesized NBC couldn't punish him for speaking his mind since he's still under contract. And he took a swing at Dane Cook, too: "I wasn't aware that Mr. Cook was a comedian."

Winter TV Press tour begins today, at least nominally: It's a relatively mercifully short (11 days) affair, but then, it's pretty light on exciting stuff.

For example, sessions will concern reality shows that suggest that reality producers at this point pretty much choose their subjects by making a dart board with every profession listed on it and then tossing a dart; where it lands is their new show (or random verbs and nouns and throwing two darts). We'll be subjected to programming about drag queen competitions, a "Survivor: Alaska" show without hokey competitions, the wives of NASCAR drivers, jockeys, a search for nice beaches, a daredevil, yet more weight loss guru stuff and the detainees at Guantanamo Bay (oh, wait, that's a straightforward documentary).

(Actually, that'd be a reality show I might watch - just imagine the bitchy backbiting between the inmates the producers would conjure up and the competitions they could have to see who gets to avoid getting waterboarded.)

I digress.

Here's a factoid that underscores the dispiriting nature of this Press Tour and the industry in general at this point: According to the schedule at this point, NBC is keeping its co-chairmen, Ben Silverman and Marc Graboff, away from journalists, instead offering up an executive session with Primetime Entertainment president Angela Bromstad and reality guru Paul Telegdy.

The CW goes NBC one better - it's sitting this press tour out. Perhaps they have the right idea.

We're starting with the tony stuff, PBS and Ian McKellen discussing "King Lear," which played to sold-out houses in Los Angeles, leading him to marvel, "Even in L.A., people want to go to the theater, and even in L.A., people want to go to serious theater."

But then, it's not all high-minded: Discussing the nude scene in Lear, McKellen confessed, "Every night, when I took my clothes off, you know what I did? I held my stomach in - pathetic! He's an old man - he should just let it hang out, but I couldn't."

Even though he was whacked momentarily on Wikipedia, Paul Reiser is alive and well, you'll be relieved to know.

("What's behind that ... aaaauugghgghhh! No, wait: I'm fine. Never mind. Carry on.")