What, if anything, have we learned from this winter's TV Press Tour?

TV Press Tour has come and, more mercifully, gone. As evidenced by some sorry scheduling, there often wasn't a whole lot for sundry networks to discuss in terms of how they'll revive their schedules this winter and spring, though that didn't always mean they presented fewer press conferences for upcoming shows, just fewer interesting ones.

Hence: Herewith, the lessons learned. Some new, others only reinforced through repetition that began in previous press tours. But few, alas, particularly encouraging.

Lesson One: NBC is kind of really chickensh!t. The biggest news that could have come from this January confab concerned NBC's decision to give Jay Leno five hours of primetime come September 2009, which sliced both the network's costs and its impending order for scripted primetime series, translating into, as NBC star Richard Belzer ("Law & Order: Special Victims Unit") noted, the loss of "thousands" of Hollywood jobs among creators, actors and crew members.

(A network, a show's title - this is all purely coincidence, right?)

Given the opportunity to discuss this budget-slashing (NBC axed a lot of other positions, too, among its executive ranks), the network punted. Co-chairmen Ben Silverman and Marc Graboff were no-shows on the press-conference stage, nudging neophyte executives Angela Bromstad and Paul Telegdy into the spotlight to dodge questions about NBC's woes. "They're sending Paul and Angela to the wolves," noted one unnamed source to the Hollywood Reporter; Telegdy told critics, "We're here to talk about TV shows rather than corporate changes."

Given that NBC has bounced its once-highly-touted series "Kings" from 10 p.m. Thursday to 8 p.m. Sunday and has only ordered six episodes apiece for its new scripted shows and feverishly announced an incredibly redundant cooking-reality show, "The Chopping Block," there's not really much to discuss regarding their shows.

Lesson Two: There's no point in asking about low-rated shows because executives aren't going to concede they've been cancelled, even if they've already been cancelled.

For example, here's Bromstad on "Lipstick Jungle," which trade publications have already buried: "We officially have not cancelled 'Lipstick Jungle.' ... I think that there are alternatives that we may look into for 'Lipstick Jungle.'"

And here's Bromstad on "Chuck," a show critics like but pretty much no one watches: "It is going to face tough competition, but it's certainly a show that we'll be looking at when we make our decisions this spring." Translation: "It's certainly a show that we'll be looking at to cancel when we make our decisions this spring."

("Can you believe this wasn't enough to lure a decent audience?")

And here's ABC's Entertainment president Stephen McPherson, who at least did deign to show up before the assembled TV critics to (mostly honestly) mull over his network's lousy ratings, on "According to Jim," which should've been cancelled at least two seasons ago: "We should just leave that open because I think 'Jim' has been an amazing asset for us. I think it has gone on and they've performed beyond everyone's expectations. And I thank them for all their work. I think this is probably the final run, but you never say never." Translation: "You never say never - unless you have taste."

Lesson Three: Show talent hate appearing at Press Tour, and will look for any reason to get offstage as quickly as possible.

Press Tour protocol calls for reporters not to ask any questions until a network page has given them a microphone, so that those onstage for any given press conference can actually hear their questions. It takes a while for the pages to reach reporters at the very beginning of press conferences. Nonetheless, those onstage invariably interpret the lack of a question within three seconds of the beginning of a press conference as an overwhelming disinterest in their project and are willing - there and then - to call it quits, standing up and removing their microphones in (semi)-mock-protest.

To wit: Here're how sundry press conferences began. ABC's "Better Off Ted:"

JAY HARRINGTON (star): "Well?"

VICTOR FRESCO: "We have questions for all of you."

Fox's "Sit Down, Shut Up:"

MITCHELL HURWITZ: "How is lunch? What are we interrupting?"

JASON BATEMAN: "That's a cricket. Awkward. I just squished a cricket."

Fox's "Dollhouse:"

JOSS WHEDON: "I feel very, very strange."

ABC's "Castle:"

NATHAN FILLION (responding to silence): "That was awesome. (Offering his own question to series creator Andrew Marlowe:) Andrew, however did you come up with that?"

ABC's "In the Motherhood:"

MEGAN MULLALLY: "Thunderous applause. Oh, my God. It goes all in the back (where the network's publicists sit).

STUART BLOOMBERG (executive producer): "Okay. Thank you."

MEGAN MULLALLY: "Wow. Playing the quiet game."

And Fox's "24:"

KIEFER SUTHERLAND (after a few seconds of silence): "Okay. We're done."

("How hard is it to ask a simple question about aesthetics, j@ck@$$?")

Lesson Four: Alone among network employees, only Craig Ferguson genuinely cared if TV critics manage to survive on the daily recommended caloric intake of food-like sustenance.

Before Ferguson appeared at Press Tour, he sent pizzas to the hotel where out-of-town critics were staying. "It was a shameless attempt at corrupting you," he joked during his press conference. "I think (the other networks) are confident that they are going to get such an easy ride from you guys that they don't feel they have to bribe you. I, however, am deeply insecure."

But, when he learned how much other networks were skimping on their breadlines - CBS (Ferguson's own network) failed to provide enough box lunches to serve all the critics covering the tour, NBC didn't start its sessions until after lunch, and ABC offered box lunches that even "Lost's" creators semi-acknowledged were lame - he tried to help out again.

Ferguson tried to dispatch In-N-Out Burger's mobile truck to the hotel parking lot, but was told by the hotel that they wouldn't allow it on their premises, that he'd have to spring for their purported foodstuffs. (If you've ever had an In-N-Out burger, and if you've ever had a far-more-inferior-yet-far-more-costly Universal City Hilton burger, you realize such a bait-and-switch is extortion to a Madoff-style degree on the hotel's behalf.) And, once Press Tour had concluded Friday evening, he sent even more pizzas to the hotel, with the fulsomely kindly addendum, "We wish you full stomachs and safe travels as you head home."

("And I decree that every person who giveth their life to improve the sanctity of television should be provided at the very least a slice of pizza, so help me God!")

Just an aside to Mr. Ferguson: Your gesture was truly lovely, but hey, I live in town and so wasn't at the hotel when your largess was delivered. I've struggled through the last year (oh, the stories I could tell you about the blithely unrepentant jerks who don't return your calls at Mercury Insurance!), so a slice of pizza or two would truly be appreciated.

That wasn't too whorish, was it?