The new "Dancing with the Stars" roster is pretty impressive, until you start thinking about it

It constantly amazes me how "Dancing with the Stars" actually manages to lure celebrities who most of us have actually heard of. Sure, it's a hit show, but it's not without its downside - immense humiliation being the foremost - and, after all, it's still a reality show, which remains the last refuge of the scoundrel.

(Tasteful!)

And yet, ABC's done it again: Most of its new roster, which you'll get to see come March 9, had respectable careers before they became resigned to playing reality-TV hacks. So let's handicap the field, shall we?

First to get booted off: Steve-O - because most dance steps don't involve getting a concrete block slammed on your skull (his usual "Jackass" shtick) - or Steve Wozniak, which if you ever saw a photo of the guy you've felt sorry for him, even though he's a billionaire genius. He dated Kathy Griffin for publicity, for chrissakes. I doubt he has my moves, and I have a herniated disk.

(Steve-O demonstrates his one true talent.)

Obvious filler: Ty Murray - bouncing around on bulls with their b@lls in a tight sling doesn't exactly qualify as "dancing" (for extraneous drama's sake, his wife, earnest singer/songwriter Jewel, is also on the roster). And Nancy O'Dell, "Access Hollywood" co-anchor: Gushing about the latest crap that's oozing down Hollywood's pipeline doesn't make you a "star," let alone a dancer.

Ringers: Belinda Carlisle - the former Go-Go achieved success in the first place because she had some sexy moves.

(Let's just hope she doesn't have to drag that big old bag around with her.)

Same with Lil' Kim, whose prison time may have taught her some even more valuable moves.

Don't count out: Lawrence Taylor, because football players tend to do well on "DWTS," if only because they don't have to worry about breaking a tibula or getting a concussion.

(LT is more palatable as a Fathead.)

Happy just to be here: Gilles Marini, who cagily parlayed a role in the "Sex and the City" movie into a reality-TV spot; Shawn Johnson, who can finally get that Olympic gold medal to translate into some serious cash; and Chuck Wicks, a country singer/songwriter whose ABC bio actually included a link to his MySpace page so that people could figure out who he is.

Just plain sad: David Alan Grier, a funny-enough comic actor who should be able to be spending the time he's expending here on something that's actually entertaining; Jewel, whose debut album went quendipular-occipidal-platinum before she utterly disappeared from the charts; and Denise Richards, a one-time film star whose appearance here actually doesn't represent her career nadir - that would be her abysmal E! reality series, "It's Complicated."

(Well, that qualifies as a dance move, doesn't it?)

Bottom line: LT vs. Lil' Kim in the finals.