Folks, this has nothing to do with UCLA, so if you’re not interested, sorry for this post.
However, I thought this was hysterical, and I thought some others could use a laugh or three.
Below is an email I received today, and it gave me quite the chuckle.
They’re back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
> > Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared
> > in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007
> > Release).
> >
> > ———————————————————-
> > The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
> > ———————————————————-
> > The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon
> > tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
> > ———————————————————-
> > Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
> > recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
> > ———————————————————-
> > Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
> > those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
> > ———————————————————-
> > The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
> > conflict.
> > ———————————————————-
> > Remember in prayer the many are sick of our community. Smile at
> > someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much
> > about you.
> > ———————————————————
> > Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
> > ———————————————————
> > Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I Will Not Pass This Way Again,’ giving
> > obvious pleasure to the congregation.
> > ———————————————————-
> > For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a
> > nursery downstairs..
> > ———————————————————-
> > Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
> > They need all the help they can get.
> > ———————————————————-
> > The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
> > will sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy.’
> > ———————————————————
> > Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the
> > church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> > ———————————————————
> > At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
> > be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
> > ———————————————————
> > Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
> > several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> > ———————————————————
> > Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
> > recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> > ———————————————————
> > Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
> > person you want remembered.
> > ———————————————————
> > The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
> > and gracious hostility.
> > ———————————————————
> > Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – Prayer and medication to follow.
> > —————— —————————— ———
> > The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
> > every kind.. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> > ———————————– —— —————–
> > This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
> > the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to
> > sin.
> > ———————————————————
> > Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at
> > 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
> > the B.S. is done.
> > ———————————————————-
> > The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
> > lend him their electric girdles
> > for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
> > ——————————————–
> > Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday
> > at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
> > ———————————————————
> > The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the
> > Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
> > this tragedy.
> > ————————————————-
> > Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
> > Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
> > ———————————————————-