John McKay: Professional, EARNED his jobs, never threw players under the bus, never wore a headset or carried a play card, hired the BEST assistants he could get, could change his defense or offense the week of the game to outwit his opponent and could make halftime adjustments. Was glib, funny and could be a total ass with his players but they had his respect.

Lanie Kiffin: Unprofessional, NEVER earned his jobs, constantly throws players under the bus, wears a headset and hides his face ( and black eye ) behind monstrous play card ( but he only seems to run 4 plays for this huge card ), hires dimwits for assistants because no one will work for him, can’t or will not change his offense or defense the week of a game to outwit his opponent and can’t make halftime adjustments. Is dull, unfunny and his players don’t respect him at all.

Here’s an excerpt I found from “Lane Kiffin’s Guide to Failing Upward”:

When a person accepts a coaching job, he becomes a public figure, so the wise coach will often wear a disguise (such as a hood and sunglasses) while in public. If a coach must speak, it is best to hide one’s lips behind something large, flat, and laminated. It does not matter what is on the flat laminated item; tell your graduate assistants to Photoshop you onto a Wheaties box and laminate it (you will feel extra awesome that way). A coach’s actions are of public interest, so if you’re going to engage in any shenanigans, make sure you have a graduate assistant ready to take the fall. You cannot count on local beat reporters and bloggers to have your back!!

Unfortunately, a coach will be expected to associate with big-time donors and give speeches before audiences full of rich old boosters, so make sure you tell one of your flunkies to put together a speech full of cliches and the best quotations from great coaches and athletes of the past. Also, throw in some Winston Churchill, Abe Lincoln, that Asian dude who wrote The Art of War, whatever. Just don’t quote any nazis, communists, or TJ Simers.

In theory, the coach owes the fans an obligation to do his honest best in all aspects of coaching. In practice, you have no way of knowing whether doing your honest best will do you any good (see Neuheisel, Rick), so it is wiser to get the fans on your side early by either naming one of your kids after the town where you’re coaching, or hiring one or two of their favorite former assistant coaches. This should keep you employed just long enough for you to find a bigger sucker down the road, and there is always a bigger sucker out there — at least so far!

By the way, while some old coot might have said that coaches have a duty to stamp out commercial exploitation, like, seriously, what does that even mean? Sounds like something a Marxist would say.