It’s no joke. I was judge, jury and executioner at the San Bernardino Kiwanis Club’s annual Joke Telling Contest held Sept. 19 at the San Bernardino Golf Club.
Actually, no Kiwanians were executed during the event. I can tell you, though, that several jokes were murdered horribly.
It was lots of fun. Here are a few jokes that didn’t make the newspaper. And no, that doesn’t mean they were dirty jokes, you naughties. It means there wasn’t room.
But there’s plenty of room here, isn’t there?
Somebody open a window, for fresh air, and we’ll begin …
Retired attorney Allen Gresham told this one: If you were stranded on a deserted island with Hitler, Stalin and a lawyer, and you had a gun with two bullets, what would be the wise thing to do? Shoot the lawyer twice.
Don Averill, chancellor of the San Bernardino Community College District: A guy is riding his Harley on the beach. The clouds part, the Lord appears and offers to grant the biker one wish. The man wishes for a bridge to Hawaii. The Lord says, “That’s materialistic. And impractical. Think again.” The guy says, “OK, teach me to understand women.” The Lord ponders a moment, then replies, “Did you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”
Debbie Crowley, CPA: A pig goes to the telegraph office and gives his message to the operator to type in. “Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink.” The operator says, “You can have nine words for the same price. Shall I add another ‘oink’ to that?” The pig frowns and says, “That wouldn’t make any sense.”
Dick Bueermann, retired civil engineer: The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping. They’re sleeping in a tent. Suddenly Tonto wakes up the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look above you. There are millions of stars. What does that tell you?” The Lone Ranger says, “Well, astronomically speaking, it means there are millions and billions of heavenly bodies in the universe. Astrologically, it looks like Jupiter is aligned with Mars. Theologically, it means that the Lord is all-powerful and we are in His care. Timewise, it means it’s about 3:15 in the morning. And meteorologically speaking, it means that tomorrow is looking like a beautiful day.” Tonto snorts derisively. “You’re dumber than a buffalo,” he says. “It means someone stole our tent.”
Terrance Stone, CEO of Young Visionaries: A father and son go fishing. The boy keeps asking questions. “Why does the boat float?” he asks. Dad answers, “I don’t rightly know.” Boy: “How do fish breathe underwater?” Dad: “I don’t rightly know.” Boy: “Why is the sky blue?” Dad: “I don’t rightly know.” Boy: “Do you mind me asking you all these questions?” Dad: “Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, how will you ever learn?”
Gary Silvius, San Bernardino financial officer: A guy is depressed because he has to give up golf. “I’m so old, I can’t see where I hit the ball anymore.” His wife tries to console him. “You’re 75. You have to make adjustments, but you don’t have to give up the things you love. Why don’t you take my brother Jerry with you?” The guy says, “Jerry’s 85, and he doesn’t play golf.” The wife says, “But his eyesight is perfect.” So the guy takes Jerry and goes golfing. He hits a long shot right down the middle of the fairway. He asks, “Jerry, did you see where it went?” Jerry answers, “Yes.” The guy says, “OK, where did it go?” Jerry says, “I forgot.”
Willard Monninger, retired bank executive: Some little mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter welcomed them, showed them around, and later checked up on them. “Is everything alright?” he asked. One of the mice replied, “Yes, but heaven is so big. Maybe if we had roller skates?” St. Peter said, “It shall be done.” A few weeks later, Felix the Cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter welcomed him, showed him around, and later checked up on him. “Is everything alright?” he asked. Felix the Cat replied, “Everything is wonderful. I especially enjoy the Meals on Wheels.”
Tim Derryberry, owner, Freeman Office Products, San Bernardino: “A man gets up the nerve to go see the doctor. “I haven’t felt well for several months,” he says. The doctor says, pointedly, “Well, you’re fat.” The man, startled and offended, says, “Well, maybe I want a second opinion.” The doctor replies, “OK, you’re ugly, too.”