For four years I’ve been a judge at the annual bad joke contest sponsored by the Kiwanis Club of San Bernardino. More than 15 Kiwanians competed at this year’s session, held at the San Bernardino Golf Club. Some of the jokes were actually good. Of course they were disqualified. Good jokes at a bad joke contest are entirely unacceptable. Here are some of my favorites:
Jim Mulvihill, retired Cal State San Bernardino professor: An older gentleman visits his physician and says: “Doctor, I’m shrinking!” The doctor replies: “You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
Sam Pawlak, minister: The best place to tell jokes? It’s the animal shelter. You tell jokes there, everyone howls!
Steve Weber, attorney: The Weisers had their first grandbaby, and suddenly you couldn’t talk to them any more about your own grandkids. You couldn’t brag. No matter how smart your grandkids might be, theirs was a little Weiser.
Reggie Beamon, aide to Congressman Joe Baca: Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter welcomes them and offers them prizes. To the first man he says, “You were married for 25 years and you were a good husband, technically speaking. You never cheated on your wife, but you did flirt quite a bit with the women at the office. I’m giving you a Honda Accord.” To the second man, St. Peter says, “Your 30-year marriage was very solid. You never cheated, but you did say some things to the ladies now and then, and you had certain thoughts. I’m giving you a Mercedes-Benz.” To the third man, St. Peter says, “You were married for 50 years and you never cheated. You didn’t even have lust in your heart. You, sir, are receiving a new Bentley.” The third man beams with pleasure and gushes his thanks, but suddenly his attention is drawn elsewhere. His eyes bug out and he exclaims, “Hey, why is my wife over there, and why is she wearing roller skates?”