Hey, is that McGwire running at Santa Anita?
If you’ve read about the efforts of California officials to restrict the use of anabolic steroids in racehorses, you might like to hear the ways to tell that a horse is on steroids.
We can think of 10.
1. After winning the Kentucky Derby and Preakness, he flouts horse-racing convention and skips the Belmont to compete in the Tour de France.
2. He suddenly starts posting record-breaking numbers at the advanced age of 5.
3. Entry sheets list his color as “dark bay or brown, acne-pink on back.”
4. Fillies around the barn whisper that he’s “shrunk like a horse.”
5. He not only takes the Fifth but wins the sixth, seventh and eighth on the same day.
6. He takes advantage of superstar status by demanding four stalls and replacing straw with a Barcalounger.
7. His head is as big as a horse’s.
8. His lawyer claims that even if he did use steroids, that wouldn’t account for his superior eye-hoof coordination.
9. After running up the track with 20-claiming 3-year-old sprinters on the main, he turns into a monster with 40-optional older horses going long on the grass, winning off under a pull despite a six-wide trip! You know, that old overnight-success cliché.
10. He won’t talk about the past.